A life of self destructive choices.

It occurred to me recently that is what I've been doing. Probably most of my life. At least from my teen years. Some of it simply from undiagnosed and untreated depression and anxiety. Some because I'm pretty sure like my son, I am autistic. More just because, well, I don't really know. I don't think I ever learned how to not be that way. It just became my normal. In every aspect of my life. 

When you see a person with an addiction problem it's usually obvious. People tell them "get help", there's rehab, there's "interventions". When it's subtle people don't tend to notice. Or they just think you're an asshole (I am, but that's not the point). Maybe I'm having a late term midlife crisis or something but lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about things. And boy, the things I've come to realize about myself. Ouch. 

After years of therapy many years ago I did figure out what caused some of it. All the moving, the being the new kid in school, being large, being poor, wearing glasses, having a name that was so easy to ridicule. I withdrew into myself at a very young age. Climbed into the nearest book and did my best to ignore the world around me. And hey, for a long time that worked. Until adulting happened. And then it didn't. 

I was told so many times in school over the years that I was "wasting my potential" and at that point in life I didn't understand what it meant and I didn't really care. I figured I'd be dead by 20, either by my own hand or doing something stupid. It often felt like that was the goal. Actually it's felt like that was the goal for most of my life. Thus the subtle self destructive behavior. Though admittedly there was a few years where is wasn't very subtle. Drugs, alcohol, the wrong people... Because I simply never learned or understood how to be around people and I decided very young there was no point in establishing any kind of relationship with a person because either they'd go away or I would. Being drunk and high helped open the wall I built around myself, at least for an hour or two. It was the only way I knew how to do it. Obviously it was always the wrong kind of person who came through the wall. More self destructive behavior. When the drugs and drinking stopped working I turned to food and bad relationships with codependent narcissistic women who knew I was sad and lonely and used it to their advantage. Learned some expensive and hard lessons there. Well, kind of. Seems to have taken a lot more years for me to figure that out. 

Self sabotage seems so stupid doesn't it? I mean, if you sit and think about it just what is the point of this behavior? There's a line from a movie that often pops into my head: Get busy living or get busy dying. You know, pick one. Me, I just seem to exist. But the problem is when I do it I don't consciously realize I'm doing it. That's the hard part. Sitting here now thinking about all my life choices it's pretty obvious, but in the moment it never is. In the moment it often seems the best choice to me. Because there's a part of my brain that knows that choice is the worst one so obviously it's the one to go with. And so I do. With jobs, relationships, education, food, health.... And then years later it's suddenly "oh, that was a stupid choice", right before making another stupid choice.

So how the hell do you stop it? I don't want much from life, not really. I'm honestly a pretty simple person. What I do want though is to stop just surviving until tomorrow. That's been my life. That and bad choices. My shrink once asked me if I felt I didn't deserve to be happy. Deserve isn't the problem, it's that I have no idea how to accomplish that. I can't think of a time in my life where I was genuinely "happy". I'm not even sure I know what that means. Miserable is my default setting. Frustrated, angry, annoyed, sad, depressed, stressed out. These things I understand. I'm excellent at those. But "happy"? I don't know that. Not for longer than 15 minutes at a time anyway. I inevitably make a subconscious yet deliberate decision to fuck that up. Every single time. Is there rehab for that? Can I check myself in? 

At least I've finally become aware of it, so there's that. I finally understand why my brain works (or perhaps doesn't?) the way it does. Apparently the cool term for it is "neurodivergent"? Or something like that. Growing up it was just "having a bad day" or "he's just hyperactive" and the solution was to cut out sugar or throw Ritalin at them. "High functioning autistic" wasn't a thing. Kids didn't have depression, nope, never ever. Unless you sat in the corner stemming and drooling on yourself it was "more exercise, less sugar" and "just go outside, you'll feel better". Never could understand why I didn't ever seem to feel better. Didn't figure that out until I was 30 something. Didn't understand autism until my son was diagnosed. Filling out all the paperwork and questionnaires for him was rather interesting. Not that becoming aware of it really changes anything. I learned how to "mask" at a very young age. Externally. Internally I just built giant walls and shut off. I purposefully alienated people because it was safer than losing yet another friend. I avoided people because they never really understood me and I certainly never understood them. And no one ever understood why, least of all me. That's one thing about my son that I appreciate, people get it now. You tell people he's autistic and they go "oh, ok, makes sense". I didn't have that. I got ridicule and aggravation so I just avoided people. Survival mechanisms that worked when I was young but not so much anymore. 

OK, so I've become self aware. Cool. Now what? So I've accepted that I deliberate make absolute shit life choices. Now what? How to you change some an integral part of yourself at 48 years old? Is it even possible? When just making it through today seems like an insurmountable struggle how do you think about tomorrow? Or next month? How do you realize it's a self destructive choice before making it? Especially when that's the norm for you. When I decide to do a thing should I just automatically go with the exact opposite? Brain says go left and I go right? Or would that just take me a circle? 

 What a long, strange trip it has been. 

So many things have changed since last I wrote here. So many things. I've become a single father at the ripe young age of 48. That's.....interesting. Not by choice or by divorce, but becoming a widower. For more than a year I watched my wife and partner of 15 years slowly succumb to leukemia. A year of hospitals stays, trips to Portland, hotels, and failed treatments. It was well and truly exhausting for everyone and some days I'm not sure how I made it through. We lost her December 3rd this year. 43 years old and taken by fuckin leukemia. Who would ever have imagined? I now more about that disease than I ever wanted to. So here I am, a single parent. Huh. WTF?

Now what I'm trying to figure out is just what the hell do I do? The last two years have not been kind to my body or my mind. Gained back a lot of the weight I managed to lose. Road trips, hospitals, and hotels are not kind to the waistline. Not at all. Nor is stress. Food has always been one of my vices when stressed out. So we're working on that again. Food was always her thing too and hey, when you're slowly dying why not have that cake? Except I had it too. 

And I have no idea where I'm going with this. Maybe it's just a written pity party, I haven't really had one of those yet. I've spent the last 6 months keeping it together for the kids. Or at least trying to. I do my best to insulate them from the issues and the stress but I know it comes through in my attitude, I know they can tell. But what do you do? I don't know. No clue. That's what I'm realizing more and more lately, I just have no clue. Read this blog, I'm a mess, always have been. I struggle just keeping myself together and now I'm responsible for my kids too, without help. Not sure how to deal with that. 

Sometimes it's so very strange. Our relationship was a constant struggle for the both of us. Communication was a huge issue. She would become passive aggressive and I just became passive. It wasn't healthy for any of us and had leukemia not happened I'm not sure how much longer it would have lasted, probably not long. But that's so much different than having the mother of your children die. Especially for them. There's no visitation, there's no long weekends or summers, there's just loss. A void for them I can not fill. And I have no idea how to help with them that. Anyone that knows us well, I mean really well, knows she wasn't exactly the greatest parent. But she was Mom. Sure, her education and her job always came first but she was here, ish. And now she's not. They boy rarely talks about her or shows emotions, a thing I understand all too well, but it does come out. The daughter, she's an absolute mess. Resentment for many reasons, loss for obvious ones, no mom here to help her with all those teenage girl things dad simply won't or can't understand. It's very strange. I try. I really try. But it's a hole I can never fill for them. 

So here I am, 48 years old, unemployed, on disability, and suddenly a single parent. Now what? Real question. Now what do I do? I've been stuck in survival mode most of my life and here I am yet again. It's not living, it's existing. Barely. And I'm really, really tired of. I hear and read all the typical cliches but that's exactly what they are. What do you do when you haven't worked outside the home in years? When you really don't have any marketable skills? When your free time is limited to basically school hours because you're responsible for an autistic 8 year old and a 15 year old that may be too? How to you make changes when you're well and truly stuck? That's what I'm trying to figure out. What now? Because this long strange trip apparently isn't over for me quite yet and I have no idea where or when the next stop is. And that's exhausting. 

Pain spikes

Chronic pain sucks but it's something you can learn to manage. While it never goes away there are techniques that make it less bothersome. Until you have those days when nothing really helps. Those days suck. And so do the two or three that follow.

I'm essentially allergic to all of the prescription pain options. They do very little, if anything, for the pain and keep me awake sometimes for days. And they make me itch. A lot. Like a tweeker needing a fix. Or a kid that just rolled in poison oak. It's bad. So taking those is really pointless. OTC options don't do much for me either. At least not below dosages that will cause harm to my liver. I can't smoke pot, it does strange and unfortunate things to my system. I've thought recently of trying the CBD oils but haven't yet. Perhaps I should explore that option. I tried acupuncture a few times, didn't do much for me. The one topical that works for me (Voltaren gel) is absurdly expensive and not covered by my insurance. It's a topical NSAID and works great, but like I said, can't afford it. So there are days that really suck.

It's usually my knees that do it. Really my entire leg, both of them. Cold, damp, large fluctuations in barometric pressure, pushing it too hard on leg day, walking in the wrong shoes, some floors, there are quite a few triggers to these pain spikes. And dealing with the pain triggers the anxiety, and that triggers the depression, and those contribute to the pain. And about the only real option I have is to suck it up and deal with it. And that, that right there, can be a struggle. A big one.

It has gotten a bit better since I've lost 200 pounds, but it can still put me on my ass. And it does. I try really hard to not let it affect my attitude or keep me from the gym but that's hard too. Even though I know getting up and moving will eventually help just doing it isn't easy. The answer the doctors give me is the same it always is, lose weight. I've tried braces, I've tried wraps. Expensive shoes, cheap shoes, no shoes. I keep going back to the one option I haven'd tried. CBD oil.

And that one I'm just not sure about. Any time you start going with unregulated products there's a risk. What's actually in it? Is it going to work? How will it affect me? The last one is my largest concern. I will never forget the last time I smoked pot. Didn't go so well. And yes, I know CBD isn't the same thing, exactly. It's often touted as the new miracle drug (that isn't a drug man) and purported to treat, cure, improve, everything from depression and pain to cancer.

• A 2011 study found that CBD helped to reduce inflammatory pain in rats by affecting the way that pain receptors respond to stimuli.
• A 2014 review of the existing body of research on animals concluded that CBD may be an effective treatment for OA.
• A 2016 study found that the topical application of CBD had the potential to relieve pain and inflammation associated with arthritis.
• A 2017 study found that CBD might be a safe and useful treatment for OA joint pain.

One of my issues with CBD is that there aren't any long term, legitimate, scientific studies that have been conducted. Sure, there's libraries filled with anecdotal evidence and people who insist it's the new wonder not drug, but I'm not sure about slathering something on me or ingesting something based on personal experience from Joe the local stoner. Another concern I have is that it's not regulated. It's in the same category as vitamins and supplements. There is no guarantee you're getting what you think you're getting. You really only have the label and seller's word about what's in it. There's no way to know if it's contaminated with something else. And really no recourse if it is. 

A study in the European Journal of Pain used an animal model to see if CBD could help people with arthritis manage their pain. Researchers applied a topical gel containing CBD to rats with arthritis for 4 days. Their researchers note a significant drop in inflammation and signs of pain, without additional side effects. And when you research CBD "rats" is the most common word. Injected into, rubbed onto, applied to, rats. At the same time, what do I have to lose other than the money I'll spend on it? I've been through all the other options and when I can't move for two days I need an option. When I start having pain induced anxiety attacks, I need an option. When I can't sleep and getting out of bed in the morning one of my first thoughts is "maybe suicide isn't a horrible idea", I need another option. I don't know, maybe a trip to the local pot shop is worth a shot. 

Sources:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319796.php

http://nationalpainreport.com/10-things-you-need-to-know-before-you-buy-cbd-oil-8836542.html

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319475.php

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/cbd-oil-benefits#section5

Burn out....

I was feeling it. Bad. Tired, everything hurt, no energy, didn't feel like lifting. I've heard the term "bonked" used by runners, I think I bonked. Except I wasn't really able to push through that wall. It kind of crushed me. Or at least it started to. So cut back for two weeks. Way back. Last week I only made it to the gym 3 times and when I did make it the workouts weren't exactly strenuous. And I think I needed that.

One of my biggest problems is staying motivated. That stems largely from the depression and anxiety. When I get tired or stressed out I just want to hide. When I get to those walls it's far easier to just say fuck it than to climb them. Or just go sideways for a while hoping there's a door in the wall, or an end to it (hint, there usually isn't). It's very difficult to for me to motivate myself, it always has been. Especially with as slow as my body responds. I try and remind myself that "slow and steady wins the race", or at least finishes it, eventually. And then I read articles or watch videos or talk to people and it's "oh I dropped 25 pounds and look at me now". I've dropped over 200 and I feel like I still look the same. I know I don't, but I feel like I do. Over 750 workouts logged and generally don't feel like I've made a single muscle or gained any strength. So when I start to feel as burned out as I was my first instinct, my first go to, is to say screw it and quit. Not this time. Back at it today with a slightly modified workout plan. Five by fives for a bit.

Five by fives are simply 5 sets of 5 reps at close to your one rep max. The point is to increase strength, breaking plateaus, and periodization. Essentially it's a shock to the system. And ouch! That was kind of heavy. And a little fun again. Oh, and it can make for a pretty fast (under an hour) workout that really kicked my butt. I may do it for more than a week, I haven't decided yet. I do know I've stagnated a bit and I struggle to push myself. One of the problems with not having a personal trainer or a workout buddy is that you have to find your own motivation. Sometimes that's a hell of a struggle. That's where I was. Burned out, tired, bored, feeling like quitting.

And that is truly my biggest struggle. I get through the tired, and the pain, hell, that's my norm. It's the burned out and not wanting to that gets me. It goes hand in hand with the depression. And the depression makes it worse. It's truly a struggle at times. So I have to change things up, try to keep it interesting. Sometimes that's hard. I mean there's really only so many things you can do in a gym that are actually productive and won't cause you permanent bodily damage. So I go high rep/low weight, low rep/high weight, something in between the the two, toss in come of those damn cardio machines every once in a while, and plug away at it. Maybe some day I'll even see a muscle.

On the plus side of things I just weighed myself a couple days ago and I'm down to 383. I'ts been a really, really long time since seeing that number. Like, a couple decades or more. So that's something.

Food problems.

Do you know any of those assholes that can pretty much eat anything and not gain weight? You know, the ones constantly eating crap? I hate those people. Though at the same time I've always found them fascinating. It's funny to me when I hear some people saying things like "he's fat because he's lazy" and "just blaming it on metabolism, that's all bullshit". I've never heard the same thing said about some skinny dude that eats 2 pizzas for dinner. I read articles about body builders "bulking" and how they consume 15 even 20 thousand calories a day, on purpose. No one ever has negative things to say about them. But if you're overweight you're just a lazy slob who needs to eat less and it's absolutely not about genetics or health issues or environment or anything else. Because you're fat. A lot like the difference between a skinny person going to the doctor and a fat person doing the same. We get "well just lose weight" while the thin person gets treated like a person with an actual health concern. The general attitude toward obese people is pretty disgusting. But that's another rant entirely. This one is about food.

According to Facebook posts and fake "doctors" on television if you just eat "real food", buy organic, never consume sugar, eat "paleo" or "keto" or whatever the current diet de jur happens to be, you'll suddenly find yourself fit and sexy. I don't think any of these people have kids. Or a budget. Or taste buds. It's often said you can't out exercise the fork and there's probably a lot of truth in that. But as with lifting, different people respond differently and different people have different levels of ability.

Before I had my VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy) I had to go on a liquid only diet for a week. My caloric intake per day was down around 500. All fluid. And Jello (I still loath Jello). Chicken broth, tea, anything that was liquid and see through. Now this is a pretty extreme diet and something done under the supervision of doctors, not something I would recommend or ever choose to do again. At 500 calories a day I lost absolutely no weight. And I felt horrible. It was an interesting experience. Many years ago I tried the "Atkins diet". After about 2 months I felt like I had a flue that just didn't go away. And I lost no weight. Like none. At all. Eventually I had the surgery, that helped for a while. And then I stopped losing weight. Wasn't eating more or moving less, it just stopped. It was like my body said "fuck you". I didn't gain weight, but I didn't lose it either. That was about the point I joined a gym.

And here I am, a couple years later. And I still haven't lost all that much weight. Though it does seem my body composition has changed, a lot. And I've lost a lot of inches. Over 24 inches from my waist. And I know that much of that is my diet. I started counting calories again. Something I absolutely loath doing but find necessary. It's astounding how fast you can eat 2,000 calories in a day if you don't pay attention. There are quite a few apps available for doing this, something that has made it far easier than it once was. I personally use FatSecret because it's simple. Though I avoid the forums and other nonsense like a giant dog turd on the sidewalk. I just can't deal with the level of willful ignorance and rampant stupidity so prevalent on that part of these apps and websites. Anyway... It's been hugely helpful to keep track of what I eat. And really enlightening too.

I'm sure we have all seen the photos depicting calories in, say, a candy bar versus a salad. The problem is, I can't comfortably eat a lot of salad. Or vegetables. Or, well, a lot of the "healthy" food they push when you're trying to lose weight. For what ever reason my body has a very hard time digesting these things. It got far worse after my gallbladder was removed. I think I may have a form of IBS or possibly some other gastrointestinal issue. The doctors aren't quite sure. They tell me "lose weight, it will get better". I've actually been in the ER several times with severe issues. So it's difficult for me to eat low calorie, filling foods. Things like celery and carrots are a nope. Just about any raw vegetable does unpleasant things to me. And that makes it pretty hard to keep the calories down. Limits the options greatly. So what to eat? Well, that is the problem isn't it. I'm still trying to figure that out. Especially with kids in the house. I simply don't have the time or energy to cook for me and then cook for them. Or the budget. I try to stick with lean meats, what vegetables I can eat, salad when possible (and affordable), but it's a hell of a struggle. Maybe I should try that Keto bullshit. Or not. For me losing weight has been and continues to be a life long struggle. My body seems to like fat, it hangs onto it. I walk past a donut shop and gain 5 pounds. So that I'm actually under 390 pounds today is huge for me. Sometimes I forget that I've lost more than 200 pounds. An entire person. Gone.

I guess the point is that being fat, while not a choice (I know, shocking) isn't as easy to fix as so many people want to believe. There are a myriad of health issues that contribute to it. Chronic pain, depression, anxiety, these all make regular exercise difficult. Stomach issues that limit what a person can eat. Bariatric surgery that didn't remove enough stomach. Medications that cause weight gain even when caloric intake remains stable or even reduced (Abilify). It's a constant daily struggle. One I may never actually win. But I'm still trying.

Am I "over training"?

Maybe? Though I'm still not convinced it's possible. One of the signs of over training is a change in mood. More specifically a a jump in anxiety type symptoms. There are others. Extended muscle soreness. Depression. Weight gain (or no weight loss). Decreased libido. Loss of concentration. Lack of energy. Over training is actually a recognized medical condition, though as far as I can tell it's never been officially studied. It even has a technical definition. "A physiological state caused by an excess accumulation of physiological, psychological, emotional, environmental, and chemical stress that leads to a sustained decrease in physical and mental performance, and that requires a relatively long recovery period." Sounds fancy doesn't it? And it's rare, or so they say. What isn't as rare is excess cortisol levels. And that can be caused by many things. Including depression, because depression sucks and totally screws with your body. Cortisol is a steroid hormone, in the glucocorticoid class of hormones. When used as a medication, it is known as hydrocortisone. It is produced in humans by the zona fasciculata of the adrenal cortex within the adrenal gland. It is released in response to stress and low blood-glucose concentration. The adrenal gland also produces testosterone. So if it's busy pumping out cortisol..... As well as Epinephrine (Adrenaline) and Norepinephrine (Noradrenaline). These all contribute to depression. So while I may not be "over training" I'm thinking I may be pushing myself to a point that really isn't beneficial.

There is a thing called a "workout hangover". It's just short of over training. Maybe that's where I'm at. Though when I read the symptoms of what classifies as over training I seem to pretty much nail all of them. HERE is a good article that describes the "workout hangover", what causes it and what to do about it. I've been looking at my weekly average for volume and it's, well, kind of high. And I don't mean that in a braggadocios way, I average 75,000 pounds lifted per every one hour gym session. Now I don't feel like that's a lot until I look at what other people do. Leg days are almost always over 100,000 pounds. My lightest days are arms (strictly triceps and biceps) and chest. And those are never under 30k pounds. I lift between 30 and 100 thousand pounds in an hour. 5 days a weeks. And I'm wondering why I'm feeling burned out. I noticed lately that my depression and anxiety are far, far worse so I've been pushing harder in the gym, only to notice them getting worse. I think I'm understanding why. One article list;  "You feel drained and crappy after what normally would be a good workout.". Yup, that about nails it right there. And then there's the one about "aches and pains". Though that's a hard one being as I deal with chronic pain.

I want to push myself. Hell, I need to push myself. And I am loath to make excuses, that's a habit I got out of a while ago. But I think I also need to accept the reality that I'm pushing just a little to hard and if I don't stop it's going to be more than just a little burned out. "If you’re a weight lifter and are overtrained, your parasympathetic nervous system becomes overly stimulated, leading to a decrease in testosterone, an increase in cortisol, a crushing fatigue (mental and physical), and a stubborn tendency to hang onto body fat." And if you already have clinical depression and anxiety it makes that shit worse. So I guess in the end it's really not worth it. What is the point of working out to feel better if it's not making me feel better, the opposite in fact? I think it's time to take a couple weeks, while not off, at least down. Work some lighter weights. Get some more cardio (I fucking loath cardio). See what happens. Sometimes I wish I could afford a personal trainer. Or at least a workout partner.

REFERENCES:
https://www.t-nation.com/training/what-overtraining-is-and-isnt
https://www.precor.com/en-us/resources/7-signs-tell-if-youre-overtraining
https://www.bodybuilding.com/content/the-truth-about-overtraining.html
https://www.muscleforlife.com/8-signs-of-overtraining/

Anxiety blows.

If you've read any of my ramblings you know I live with anxiety and depression and how I feel about that fact. And you also know that one of the things I've done to combat these problems is gym. And it's worked fairly well for a while. Until recently. And that concerns me. Lately I've felt similar to how I did when the meds stopped working. And I really don't like that. The anxiety seems to get a little worse every day. I'm constantly exhausted yet can't seem to sleep. Getting myself to the gym is a struggle and once I get there it takes a great deal of effort to accomplish anything. Because that's what anxiety does. The bastard.

Physical signs and symptoms may include:

• Fatigue
• Trouble sleeping
• Muscle tension or muscle aches
• Trembling, feeling twitchy
• Nervousness or being easily startled
• Sweating
• Nausea, diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome
• Irritability

I can tell you the irritability, hell all of these, are certainly true. I ache for no reason. Everything hurts. Everything annoys me. Can't sleep. It's exhausting. And that contributes to the anxiety. I try to fight it every day but sometimes it seems like I'm losing the battle. The anxiety feeds the stress and the stress feeds the anxiety and round and round we go. Woo Hoo. 

Some people hear anxiety and think "oh so what, get over it" because they have no idea what it's like to live with every day. Remember that first time you did something you didn't want to really do? The way you felt the first time you flew or jumped off the high dive? The first time you experienced turbulence or realized you really didn't like high spots? That combination of adrenaline and fear and nervousness and..... Now imagine that feeling never really goes away. Ever. That's life with anxiety. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. It leads to other issues. And there is no cure for it. Medications can mask the symptoms if you're okay with the side effects. I wasn't. Some of the meds they put me on made it worse. That was fun. So I stick with the gym. Except lately the anxiety and depression have made even that difficult. I'm working on finding a solution, at least short term, but so far it eludes me. I just keep plugging along, hoping it will get better. That's all you can do sometimes. 

One of my biggest peeves are people who say "oh I have anxiety" when they don't. No, there's a big difference between actual anxiety and feeling nervous every once in a while. Or not feeling comfortable in large groups. Or stressing out about that test you know you aren't going to pass. Those feelings go away. True anxiety doesn't. Ever. There are methods for working with it but it always is. The panic attacks are always sitting there quietly waiting for the wrong moment to manifest. The chronic pain and fatigue are constant. The stress is puts on the body and mind is exhausting. And I'd wish it on no one. 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20360803

The biggest problem

with anxiety and depression is that there is no cure. Surgery can't fix it, medication doesn't really fix it. It's not something that just goes away on its own. It doesn't "run its course" like a cold or the flue. It is. It always is. It always will be. A person can learn to limit the negative affect they have on your life, to a point, but always, in the background, lurking, they exist. You can convince yourself you're better but you know you really aren't. And then there's a day when something happens and suddenly up comes the anxiety, the panic, the depression that follows, and it's like starting all over again. And that is what I hate about them the most. They can replace knees, internal organs, fix cancer (some times), sow you closed, give you new parts, they can even do face transplants now. The brain, that's something they haven't mastered yet. Sure, you can throw medications at it, if you don't mind the side effects, but they don't fix the problem, only mask it.

One of my biggest frustrations are the times people say things like "just get over it" or "it's OK, you're just having a bad day, cheer up". Because if a person had cancer that's what you would tell them too, right? Or a broken leg? When a person has diabetes you simply tell them to "get over it". Because sure, they'll just make the diabetes go away, who needs insulin anymore. Oh, that's right, we don't say things like that to people with "actual illnesses". But the mental ones, that's fine. It's no different than telling the struggling obese person to just stop being lazy and eating so much. No matter the challenges they may actually be facing. Because people don't understand depression and anxiety. Because mental illness has a horrible stigma in this country. Because so many people think it's something we fake. Either for attention or so we don't have to do things, or because we like drama. They have no understanding of what it's actually like. And yes, there are people who go with the "oh, I have anxiety" approach to everything when they really don't. Those people really piss me off.

I've learned to cope with the depression. It's been a part of me my entire life. I recognize it, I can work with it, or around it. It's pretty much a constant no matter the day. Anxiety on the other hand. I hate the unpredictability of it. Panic and anxiety can manifest in a multitude of ways and it's rarely consistent. Fight or flight. Hostility, anger, sometimes even aggression, overwhelming emotion, sadness, fear, wanting to hide in a dark room. I've cried watching television commercials. I've had to leave stores, schools, activities with my kids. Sometimes I'm fine, until I'm not. I can go weeks without it being an issue and then a month where it's a constant daily thing. I've experienced the entire range of manifestations in less than an hour and I've spent days stuck in one. No pattern, no logic, no triggers other than stress. It's exhausting. Going to the gym helps. Sometimes going to the gym triggers it. And there is no cure. It's not ever going to go away. It is a part of me.

And now I'm being told that there is a very real chance that I will lose my disability. If that happens I will have no choice but to attempt to go back to work. And I have no fucking idea how I'm going to do that. It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally realized why I've left so many jobs in my life, why I had such a hard time functioning in many of them, why I would simply walk away. Understanding it now, I'm not sure that's going to help. And knowing these things is only adding to the anxiety. While the amount I get for disability is small, it's my only source of income. It's been quite a while since I've held a job and I'm not sure what marketable skills I have at this point in my life. Is slightly crazy marketable? Chronic pain? Probably not. How about a very low tolerance for dumbfuckery? Hey, I can have a full blown panic attack for fun. Sure, I'm totally confident I can find a job. Absolutely.

One huge problem with anxiety and depression is the way they feed each other. Makes for great times. And the complete exhaustion they cause when they're bad. And that then feeds them more. It becomes a self sustaining perpetual loop that is very difficult to stop. Anxiety and panic often result in a sustained adrenaline rush. It's the body preparing for the fight or flight. One would think this rush would be useful for other things, it isn't. And the crash. The crash sucks. The crash is exhaustion at its worst. And guess what that causes?

I use all the tactics I've learned over the last 10 years or so. After the hours of therapy, the thousand or more websites I've read, the books, the articles. And it's still a struggle every single damn day. I have learned to enjoy the positives and let the rest go (eventually) but it's something I have to remind myself every damn day.

You're a coach, I'm a coach, everyone's a coach.

Or so it seems when using social media. Good grief. Buy the supplement I'm getting paid to take photos with. Buy my booty plan. Buy my bullshit. In just 6 easy weeks you'll look just like me. I promise. I'm a personal trainer, look, I have this certificate that says so. In all honesty I'm not sure if it's the audience that is to blame or the people taking their money. It's nothing new, this scam has been running for centuries. Buy this custom corset. Use this magical mechanical doohickey. Take this marvelous new pill. They even marketed tapeworms as a diet gimmick. And people used it. They swallowed a parasite to lose weight, willingly. There's an exercise class for everyone, each promising to out perform the other, for a low monthly fee of course. People wrap themselves in plastic and call it the magic fat cure. There's a new, better diet on the market every month. From Atkins to "Keto" to "intermittent fasting"

What I have noticed over the last few years is that while there is a great deal of opinion, tons of anecdotal evidence, a plethora of bullshit and scams, books filled with pseudoscience, there really isn't a lot of good, fact based, scientific, proven, verified information. I could write a pretty long list of all the magazines and websites dedicated to body building and other forms of exercise. There are almost none with real information. And it's actually a bit frustrating. Supplements and vitamins are a billion dollar industry (not regulated by the FDA of course) full of woo and some of the most idiotic claims. And because it's not regulated they really don't have to prove that what you're buying works. Or for the most part, what's even in it. And yet people spend billions on them every year. All in the hope of getting that "beach body". There is some evidence that one thing does actually really work. A caloric deficit and exercise. It's really that simply. Well, mostly.

That caloric deficit thing can be a bit tricky. Especially if you're like me and love food. Because counting calories is a bitch. Knowing exactly what a caloric deficit is can be a challenge too. So, if you don't know this, there's two formulas that supposedly figure out what the call your Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR is the amount of calories you would burn if you were asleep all day. ... This tool then uses the Harris Benedict Equation to determine your total daily energy expenditure (calories). The Harris Benedict Equation is a formula that uses your BMR and then applies an activity factor. Simple right? Sure it is. And totally accurate . 

Harris-Benedict Formula

1. Calculate your BMR (basal metabolic rate):

• Women: BMR = 655 + ( 4.35 x weight in pounds ) + ( 4.7 x height in inches ) - ( 4.7 x age in years )
• Men: BMR = 66 + ( 6.23 x weight in pounds ) + ( 12.7 x height in inches ) - ( 6.8 x age in years )

2. Multiply your BMR by the appropriate activity factor, as follows:

• Sedentary (little or no exercise): BMR x 1.2
• Lightly active (light exercise/sports 1-3 days/week): BMR x 1.375
• Moderately active (moderate exercise/sports 3-5 days/week): BMR x 1.55
• Very active (hard exercise/sports 6-7 days a week): BMR x 1.725
• Extra active (very hard exercise/sports & physical job or 2x training): BMR x 1.9

3. Your final number is the approximate number of calories you need each day to maintain your weight.

Or, if you're like me and suck at math you can just use an online form like this one: https://manytools.org/handy/bmr-calculator/

Personally I don't want to even begin to think about the math (or the bullshit?) that went into figuring out this formula, but there it is. The funny thing with it is that the more you weigh the higher the number goes. So, for myself I get a BMR of 3184 calories. So if I slept all day my old, fat, not wanting to work right body supposedly burns over 3000 calories. For me to maintain my weight I can, according to this formula, consume 4458 calories a day. Seem right to you? Anyone? Didn't think so. So about that caloric deficit. Now if you have a ton of money to spend or REALLY fabulous insurance there are medical ways to figure out the true number. You only have to be hooked up to a room full of computers for 24 hours, no big thing. But anyway, this, in my opinion, is one of the reasons so many diets simply don't work. People think they're in a caloric deficit and they aren't or they're so far into a caloric deficit that their body flips its shit and stops burning fat (yes, that really is a thing according to actual science, no matter what you're read on the interwebs). It's all a bit overwhelming and frustrating. And we wonder why people fail. We drive to work, or take mass transit, we eat processed food, fast food, alcohol, a pill for every ailment real and imagined, we sleep long hours or not enough, spend thousands of hours in front of a screen, abuse our bodies and minds in pursuit of a paycheck, and then try to figure out why we're overweight and out of shape. And then someone comes along with a magic pill. 

And I think that's a large part of the problem too. There's no incentive to fix the lack of information. It's a billion dollar industry. There are webpages filled with it. And they all make money. We have website like fatsecret and according to Google, About 87,900,000 other results. I've used a couple of them. I used MyFitnessPal for a while until I simply couldn't take the dumbfuckery anymore. The amount of, frankly, dangerous information propagated on these sites is nothing short of disturbing. And not a thing is done about it. People encourage eating disorders in others. The newest fad diet is preached as if it's the answer to the meaning of life and anyone who dare question this fact is flamed for days. And nothing is done about it. Because these websites run on clicks and advertising dollars and what actually goes on on them, no one gives a damn. And the stupid is allowed to spread like flees in a cheap motel or STDs at a rave. Weight Watchers made $1.3 billion last year and they are projecting an even higher profit for 2018. One billion dollars charging people to lose weight, selling them crap products they simply can't lose that weight without, telling them to go to meeting to listen to people with absolutely no actual training or formal education in any sort of medical field. And they're growing. Sometimes I wonder why.

Is fat really the worst possible thing a person can be? Is it so horrible to be overweight that we're willing to spend billions of dollars to buy supplements and classes, and doohickeys, and diets? We're so willing to not only buy the bullshit but spread it, just so we're not fat. Or, more often, just so we can tell people about this newest bullshit we're trying in an attempt to not be fat. The magic formula is pretty simple. And free too. Burn more calories than you consume. There's a million different ways to go about it, but they all come down to that pretty simple necessity. Do it "clean", do it "dirty", do it keto or caveman. If Weight Watchers is your thing then rock on with your bad self. Just know that anything else is money you spent on marketing gimmicks and absolute bullshit with almost no base in actual science or real medicine. If you want to spend money on some "online trainer" and it helps you, go for it. But can we please be just a little smarter about it and start cutting out some of the bullshit? Posting photos of your ass on Instagram does not make you a "trainer". Wrapping a person in plastic is not science based weight loss. Cavemen died young. A mostly fat diet isn't "keto", it's not sustainable, you're going to die of a fucking coronary. But at least you'll be skinny right? 

Can we change gym "culture"?

I don't know why my interest in writing seems to ebb for so long. I start spending entirely too much time on Facebook being political, playing games, wasting time basically. It's almost a hyper focus to avoid the stress and anxiety. On the plus side I've been going to the gym 5 days a week and I'm actually seeing some progress. I'm sometimes surprised that I've stuck with it but at the same time I've become addicted.

As I've said before I've struggled with my weight my entire life. Almost lost that struggle. And then I did OK for a while, until I fell back into old habits. One of my go to comforts is food. Feeling depressed? Eat. Hurt? Eat. Tired and stressed out? Eat. I got down to 398 for a little while and then in the blink of an eye I was suddenly almost 440 again. I had to reevaluate just what the fuck it was I was doing. Eating crap, that's what I was doing. A snack here, another there. I was eating when I was hungry, I ate when I wasn't hungry. And I stopped paying attention to it.

I do not and never have believed in fad diets. I will never support this "keto" nonsense. "Clean eating" is a sales gimmick. What matters is a caloric deficit. That's the key. That's all. Of course quality matters too from a health standpoint, but not so much for losing weight. The level of utter nonsense surrounding weight loss and weight lifting is sometimes astounding. Something a person I follow on Instagram said recently; if they're trying to sell you something they're probably full of crap.

It's amazing what a difference simply paying attention to what and how much you eat can make

I don't lift really heavy, I just lift a lot

 Of course spending at least an hour lifting heavy (ish) things every day helps with that deficit. And that brings me to the point of this writing. Gym culture. Seriously, what the actual fuck is this nonsense? Personally I enjoy the gym I go to because there isn't a lot of that going on. It's a racquetball oriented club that happens to have weights and the clientele on average are somewhere north of 50. There are the occasional bros that show up but they're certainly the minority. I don't really expose myself to the "gym culture" until I go on Instragram or some of the websites I use. And it doesn't take long to figure out why so many people avoid the gym. These people are assholes. Judgmental little cunts that will eviscerate you (from the safety of the internet of course) if you don't put the weight on the bar facing the direction they think it should. Because apparently, according to bro science or some shit, this affects not only the weight but your ability to lift it. Because, ummm...bros.



Some of the comments I've read and even heard. Usually directed at an overweight person (usually female) who dared to enter the gym and take up their space. Because apparently they should just stay home on the coach. Oh, sorry, but not be far because gross. Don't dare take a walk or some truckload of fuckwidgets will yell out the window at you. Oh screw it, just die already. Because you know, the gym is only for the bros and the hoes. They were born with it. I despise this attitude. It actually makes me quite angry.

Speaking of bros. The utter nonsense they spew as gospel science. It's akin to hanging out with anti vaxers. One of the issues with weight lifting in general is the insane level of anecdotal evidence passed around as truth. Because some famous body builder did it this way and got ripped it must be the only way to do. I read this article in this magazine by this guy who got his personal trainer certificate online and it said..... so obviously it's true. Take this suppliment, it will make you look like Arnold. You drink pre workout mix right bro? No, actually I have half a pot of good coffee in the morning, it actually has the same active ingredient for a third the price, you freaking junkie. This is the kind of BS that makes so many people run from most gyms. And it's all pointless bullshit.

At the same time, on the other hand, if you want to go to the gym, go. Go find one and join it. Do you. Don't worry about the comments or the bros or the bullshit. Don't worry about "doing it wrong" or what others think. Go do you. You'll figure it out quick enough. It's not terribly difficult unless you want it to be. There's no special trick, no special exercise. There's the basics, there's the machines. And there's almost always someone who will help you if you ask them. For every douche canoe in the gym there is another decent person who will encourage and support you. Find them, ignore the bros. Go lift. Together maybe we can do something about the gym culture and make it more welcoming to everyone. Or just give me money and I'll open my own gym.