Sick

Yep, still. And it seems to be getting even better, now my back is fucked up too!

I had an appointment with my doctor today to checked out before my operation scheduled on the 16th of January, only to be told I am not healthy enough to be operated on. Kind of an eye opener that was. Now I need to quit smoking, Dr.s orders. Take water pills for my fluctuating blood pressure (sometimes it's good, sometimes it isn't)

Oh, and then we have the albuterol for what's left of my lungs (go's with the needing to quit smoking) And the fucked up things is, I still find my self smoking. I can't seem to help it. Hopefully the welbutrin will fix that as well as help with the depression.

I can't believe how fucked up my body is at 35. It scares me. I don't know how I got to the point I'm at. I do know that the last two weeks have certainly been a wake up call. A very loud one.

I"m sick of being sick

Once again I get to spend Christmas not feeling good. Seems like almost every year I get sick for my birthday. I know that my health has steadily gotten worse over the last few years. I've always been fat, but damn, this is getting out of control. I hurt constantly, I can't sit, stand or even lay down in the same position for any length of time. I can't walk very far without having to stop and rest. Stairs are a nightmare for me. My knees hurt, my feet hurt, my back hurts. Everything hurts.

I went to see a surgeon the other day about a growth (lump) I have on my backside and all the little bastard did was lecture me on being overweight and smoking. Like I don't know I'm fat and need to lose weight? Like I'm not faced with that fact every minute of every day?

It's gotten bad lately. I just don't feel good, at all, any of the time. The pain has gone from annoying to constant and sometimes excruciating. I'm scared at this point, I know if I don't turn it around I'll be dead before I'm 40. I need to fix it but I don't know how. I have thought about gastric bypass surgery but my insurance won't cover it unless I'm diabetic and I can't afford it out of pocket. I know that if I exercised that would help but hell, it hurts to get out of my chair let alone do something physical. I would love to get a bowflex for my garage but certainly don't have the 2000$ they want for one of those. I'd join a gym but I know myself well enough to know I would never go. There is something about dragging my fat out of shape ass to work out with a bunch of gym rats that makes me feel even more self conscious than I already am.

I am making a goal for myself, a promise to myself and more importantly, my children, by this time next year I will lose at leat 100 pounds. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to do it. I want my life back, I want to be able to be active again. I want to not be embarassed to go out in public. I want to be able to walk without feeling like I'm going to die. I want to be able to sit on a piece of furniture and not have to wonder if it's going to hold my weight and break under me. I want to be able to buy clothes in a regular store. Most importantly though, I want to have the energy to play with my kids, I want to be healthy enough to know that I'm still going to be alive to watch them both graduate highschool.

Perhaps I will have to find a way to pay for surgery, of find the money to put a bowflex in the garage, something. There has to be a way for me to do, I need to find my motivation and keep it. I need to find my drive and determination I seem to have lost several years ago. I need to climb out of the hole I've been living in for way to long and get my life back. Maybe all that therapy is finally paying off, I don't know. Or maybe, it's the fact that every night lately when I lay down to go to sleep, I wonder if I'm going to wake up in the morning or if this is the night my heart finally pops on me. Will this be the night the sleep apnea takes me out? Or will I live another day in pain?

When you have to take pain killers just to be able to sleep, you have issues. When going to the bathroom causes you to be out of breath, you have issues. When you don't go to stores you can't park directly in front of because it hurts to bad to walk across the parking lot, you have issues. Yep, I have issues. I will fix them, I must fix them. I am going to fix them. I just have to figure out how.

The weather.

I had to laugh as I was reading back over what I have written on here. My last few blogs I was complaining about the heat and how I wish the summer was over. Now, here we are in the middle of winter and the weather has certainly changed. Though the snow is pretty much gone from the ground at the moment, it seems that the rain is trying to turn to snow once again. I hate the cold! See, I'm just never happy. Don't like the summer heat, don't like the winter cold.

It's especially interesting living in an area where it doesn't snow very often and the majority of people have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how to drive in snow and ice. The ever present "I have 4 wheel drive so I can go fast" crowd. The scared, going 5 miles an hour crowd (those I think are the most irritating. If you are that scared, don't drive, you're an accident waiting to happen). And then the few of us who have no issue driving in it. I kind of like it, it's fun, scary and challenging all at the same time. Comfort levels in nasty driving conditions have a lot to do with knowing how to handle your vehicle. Most people have no idea.

Anyway, it went from frozen and white to cold and wet. The weather man was predicting lots of snow over night, that didn't happen, at least not on the valley floor. Schools were canceled today in anticipation of the great o8 blizzard. Road crews worked over time getting sanding trucks and plows ready... Ooops. Kind of funny actually. Well, maybe it will snow later and make them all feel better.

I never did get out and take any pictures of the "winter wonderland" as I wanted to. I seem to have lost all motivation to do anything. This time of year, all I want to do is sleep. Another reason I hate winter. It adds to the depression. I especially hate Christmas. It means another year has passed, I'm another year older. 35? How the hell did that happen?

35 years old, no job, no income, going back to school again, no stability in my life yet. Kids to worry about, support and protect. I always thought that by this point in my life I would be in a much different place than I am. I thought I would have my own home (or large boat), money in the bank, a nice nest egg for retirement. But nope, that didn't happen.

I should look at my current situation as an ends to a means, a short term downside to get me to a long term goal. I should have gone to school a long time ago instead of screwing around for most of my life. Though, I did that once and thought I would be working on boats for a long long time. Things change, especially in my life.

More of lifes trials and tribulations

Wow, I haven't written anything on here in quite some time. I seem to blog in bursts. When life is kicking my ass and I need to vent, I blog. I often wonder if these things ever even get read, not that it matters, I write this crap only for my own self, to vent, let things out.

So anyway. I hurt. I seem to be in pain almost constantly. I have no energy. I hate it. I can't walk more than a few hundred feet without needing to stop. I can't walk up a flight of stairs without paying for it for days. It seems to be getting steadily worse. All it takes is diet and exercise. Oh, 'cept it hurts to do anything, so that makes the exercise a bit of an issue. It's gotten so bad I have no clothes that fit. I feel embarrassed to go out in public. And when I do go out, I have to be careful where I sit so I don't brake what sit on. I have to make sure it's either a single floor building or it has an elevator. I worry that I'm going to be dead before I hit 40. I'm going to be 35 in a few days and I feel like I'm 90.

I seem to have lost my motivation, my interest and my drive. Though I don't think I every really had much of any of those. I don't know why. I keep hoping that therapy will help me with those issues but it hasn't yet. I wonder if it's just depression and maybe some good drugs will make it all better. Then I think about what happened the last time I tried taking any of those kinds of meds. They made things worse. So, it this me? Is this what I am? Fat, in pain and depressed? Is that my role in life?

2 a.m and it's still hot

And I can't sleep. So here I am, to blog for the first time in quite some time. Unfortunately, I can't think of much to write about. Not that anyone seems to read this crap anyway. Perhaps that's for the better, I don't know. All I know it, I'm hot and I hate it.

Is it fall yet?

Seems like not to long ago I was begging for summer and now that summer is here, I'm over it. I hate the heat! I love and miss the tropic warmth. That nice 78-82 degree high humidity warmth with a constant breeze and all kinds of warm water to bask in. This heat, it sucks. It's just hot, nasty, no breeze, no water. It sucks. And it's supposed to get hotter in the next couple days.

This heat sucks!

I apparently forgot what it was like to take a full load of classes in a short term. I haven't had this much homework since highschool. And I don't think I even had this much then. I always had a thing for doing my "homework" at school. Can't quite get away with that these days.

Any way. This heat sucks! My body can not adjust this fast to sudden 90 degree heat. I hate it. I wish I had the money for a boat. Or at least enough money to afford gas to go to the lake, or the river, or the beach.. I'm trying to find the motivation to do something productive and all I want to do is sit here in front of the fan.

I do have a somewhat useful reason for this particular blog. I keep getting asked what programs I use on my computer for various things, how to find them and what I use them for. So, with that in mind;

I have a several year old HP pavilion zx5000. I love this old brick. It still out performs a lot of the new computers and with the 160gig hard drive I installed after the OEM hard drive fried, I have more than enough storage space. I do with I had a bit more RAM, but I will maybe expand that one of these days. I use FireFox as a web browser. I have tried Opera, hated it. I tried the PC version of the Mac browser, it wouldn't even work on my computer. IE, as everyone know, sucks ass. No matter how hard they try to emulate FireFox, they just can't quite seem to get it right.

With all of the photography I do, I keep pondering buying PhotoShop. Then I look at the price and am reminded why I don't have it yet. I've used it extensively at school and frankly, for the price, it's over rated. If you want a simple program that does all of the basic photo editing you need to do, check out PhotoScape. It's free, easy to use, can convert and edit RAW, has viewing and organizing options, batch editing, renaming and a lot more. I use it a lot.

Have you ever had an issue when uninstalling some program from your computer? Keep finding left over junk that should have gone away? Try Revo Uninstaller.
It's free, it works great and it's easy to use. It has a number of options, including junk file cleaner, history wiper, start up options for windows and a lot more. I can't believe how much crap I've found hiding on my hard drive and clogging up my registry. Computer runs so much faster now.

Do you transfer and upload a lot of large files? Want your very own little ftp program? Try Core FTP Light. I use this now quite frequently. I never understood the point of ftp and file transfer programs until I started using one. Amazing how much faster it is.

Oh, and one more I just recently found out about (ok, so maybe I'm a bit behind, I don't know). Notepad++
Notepad++ is a very usefull text editor, especially for writing code. It tries and from my experience, succeeds, to notify you if you fucked up your code. It is much easier to read and write code in than the standard Windows notepad.

Well, that's enough of that, I really need to focus on my homework and get some pictures edited for my photogaphy class.

Back to School, again

Still seems odd to be going to school at my age. Some days I feel ancient wandering around amongst the 18-20 somethings at school. I so wish that I would have had more direction in my life when I was younger. I wish I had been able to pick a path and stick with it. I knew kids when I was in school that knew exactly what they wanted to do with the life they were given. They had plans, dreams, goals. I never did. I wandered. I moved more times than I can count, originally with my parents (obviously) and then on my own once I moved out. Or, more accurately, once I moved on and they didn't.

I've lived in Oregon, Washington, Utah, Rhode Island and Connecticut. I've spent time in Florida, Alaska, Montana, Idaho (very briefly) and many points in between. I've seen a lot of this country, had a lot of different jobs, known a lot of different people. I can honestly say, I have experienced more than most people ever get the chance to. I've seen the Northern Lights and the Green Flash at sunset. I've seen glaciers calve and cows calve. I wish I had more pictures of it all. Unfortunetly, all I have of most are my memories.

Here's a few more pictures from Alaska from a few years ago.

Ah well. Now I have somewhat of a direction to go in, though it's really more than one direction I suppose. I am getting an Associates in Computer Networking, something that will pay the bills and hopefully allow for year round, consistent, long term work. I'm also working on getting better at photography, taking classes on lighting, digital photography and photography in general. Then, on top of all of that are the web design classes so I can learn how to build sites like this one. All that is going to make for a very bussy two years.

My Second Blog

An evening at Anchor is Alaska
Just a small junk of ice in SE
The average, ordinary view while in Alaska.

What ever was I babbling about previously? Oh, yeah, that's it, my job on the good old Island Spirit, among several other boats. Sometimes I miss it, being on the water, seeing everything I did. I would love to go back to SE Alaska again, with plenty of time and plenty of money.

One of the nice things about the work that I did, I got paid to do what the passengers paid a lot of money to do. Granted, I was working 12 to 20 hours a day doing it, but I still enjoyed the wail watching, the trips to the beach, the evening in town. I was paid to do things most people never get the opportunity for. In that, I have no regrets. How many people get to watch glaciers calve? Or Orcas breach ten feet away? I got paid to spend two weeks anchored off Key West. I've been paid to go to the Bahamas. It hasn't sucked.

So many different jobs I've had over the years. I suppose that's one of the motivating factors in me returning to school one more time. As I get older I start to think more about the future. Having children adds to that. When it was just me I had to worry about, I had no problem jumping from boat to boat and traveling all over the country. I had no real worries, very few bills and no responsibilities. It was fun while it lasted.

Though I will admit, it wasn't all fun and games. Lot's of long days, lots of airports, motels, rental cars and bad food. I spent two weeks in Miami with no idea how I was going to get home. That wasn't to terribly fun. OK, yes it was. I loved Miami. Then I was in Fort Lauderdale, also fun. Stayed in a Hostel frequented by foreign yacht crew. What a bunch of snooty, stuck up fuckers. But then I suppose if you spent the majority of your time kissing some billionaires butt on a multi-million dollar boat you'd get an attitude after a while.

For some odd reason I always seem to end up back in Oregon. Not sure why that is. Can't say as I really like this state all that much. The economy sucks, the housing market is as over inflated as Pamela Anderson's boobs and you can't swim in the ocean here because it's to damn cold. But more on that later.

My first blog

Well, as promised, here is the first picture I'm going to post on here. Many more to come I'm sure. I've never blogged before, so be nice. Not sure what I'm going to put on here for half of the world to read should they so choose.

I suppose I can use the space to rant about all that pisses me off in the world. That would take up plenty of space. But then, where would I start? I think I may go for the more positive end of things and babble about photography, school, my kids and all that.

Since this is my very first blog, I guess I will tell those that care a little about me. That though brings back that "where to begin" question. I'm 34, male, presently living in Eugene, Oregon with my Girlfriend, our 11 month old daughter and her 9 year old daughter. I have a 22 month old son who lives in Corvallis with his mother, my ex from a several month stint of insanity I experienced about 3 years ago. I have been all over the country in my 34 years but am originally from a Podunk little burg called Gold Beach on the southern Oregon coast. A pretty place to visit and a nice place to be from.

Hmm, what else in my pointless little ramble? I am presently going back to college (OK, so it's a community college) for the third time in my life. Not bad for a high school drop out. This time I am focusing on Computer Networking with an aside in photography. I love the photography but it's a bit hard to pay the bills with. My previous trip to school was in Astoria, Oregon where I got a degree in "Maritime Sciences". Yeah, it sounds cool doesn't it? What it means is, I spent 2 years and lots of money learning how to go play with other peoples boats. I eventually got my Coast Guard Captains license but have let in lapse recently. Hard to go work on a boat for 6 months when you have young children.

I spent the better part of six years working on different boats all over the country. Spent some time in Florida on a couple different boats, SE Alaska several different times and the Puget Sound and British Columbia aboard the Island Spirit. That was, with out a doubt, my favorite of all. Check them out. http://www.sanjuanislandcruises.com A fantastic way to see that part of the world.
Here's a picture of the Island Spirit at anchor. I lived on this boat for a couple years, put hundreds of hours of time in her and ended up leaving under fairly unpleasant circumstances. Sad really. I liked Jeff until that happened but there's something about being told to go on a diet and quit smoking by a boss that just truly pissed me off. Doesn't matter that he was right, that's not the point. Any way, just another of many bridges I've burned over the years.
But it sure was pretty and fun while it lasted. I hope one of these days to make it back to some of the places I went on that boat. By the way, the above picture was taken in Princess Louisa Inlet in British Columbia. It's one of the places the boat travels on its weekly trips. You can't really see it in this picture unless you look very close, but she's actually at anchor with the stern tied to the bank. That was one of my jobs, to go tie that line to a tree on the side of the cliff and then have the Captain back the boat down on me so we could attach the line to the stern of the boat. Kind of a harrowing experience to have a 130 foot boat backing up towards you when you're in a 10 foot skiff full of wet line and the only communication you have with the captain is via radio. We got pretty good at it after a couple tries. Oh, in case you are wondering, she's sitting in over 400 feet of water in that spot.

At the head of the inlet is a wee little water fall called Chatterbox. Well, it's only wee little toward the end of summer, the rest of the year, it's pretty impressive.
Here's one shot I have of the falls. Don't remember exactly what time of year it was. Unfortunately, most of my pictures from back then were taken with the point and shoot camera. Wasn't able to afford the DSLR until recently. Though, for what it is, the old p and s took some pretty fine photos if I do say so me self.

Any way, enough about me for tonight. It's 1 in the morning, time for sleep. Hope those that find this and read it enjoy. And if you don't, well....... So, untill I decided to post some more useless information. Oh, if you like these pictures, please check out my Flickr page and let me know what you think of those. It's open to the public, no joining anything. Leave me comments. I can't better if no one tells me what they do and don't like.