Wow, I can't believe it, another term down and I don't know how many left to go. At least I'm getting closer, so that's nice. I am starting to see a bit of a glow at the end of a very long tunnel. While I'm excited to finish school, I'm also a bit scared. I haven't been in the job market for quite some time and by the time I'm done with school I will have been out of it for even longer. I'm getting older and less marketable because of it so I have to make double sure I make up for it in skill and education. I'm going into a brand new field I've never ventured into before.
On the bright side of things, I am feeling better than I ever have. My mood is better, I have more energy and I'm just generally happier. So things are good.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
A journey of rediscovery
Of my self, that is. It's a very personal journey that I have recently embarked on. Someplace along the line, I seem to have lost my self, forgotten who I am, lost my way. I am finally starting to feel like I know who I am again. Or maybe it's for the first time. I'm not really sure yet. I feel better than I ever have. I feel balanced, under control, happy and comfortable with my self. I"m finding the more I work on myself, the better I feel.
I finally have drive, ambition and desire. Things I've seemed to lack my entire life. I've always been a bit of a floater, wandering through life. Now, I feel somewhat in control of my life, my future and my surroundings. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am going to succeed. Things don't feel totally overwhelming any more. I don't feel hopeless, useless and depressed.
I thought for years that I had everything under control, that I didn't need any help, or any meds. How wrong I was. My two months of flipping out was the hardest thing I've endured in life. I would never wish in on anyone, or ever care to repeat it. However, it was a huge catalyst in my life and finally motivated me to get the help I so badly needed.
I finally have drive, ambition and desire. Things I've seemed to lack my entire life. I've always been a bit of a floater, wandering through life. Now, I feel somewhat in control of my life, my future and my surroundings. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am going to succeed. Things don't feel totally overwhelming any more. I don't feel hopeless, useless and depressed.
I thought for years that I had everything under control, that I didn't need any help, or any meds. How wrong I was. My two months of flipping out was the hardest thing I've endured in life. I would never wish in on anyone, or ever care to repeat it. However, it was a huge catalyst in my life and finally motivated me to get the help I so badly needed.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
How time flies!
Good grief! My baby girl turned two, my son is going to be three in a couple weeks, I'm sneaking up on 36. Kenda and I have been together for over 3 years. What happened? It seems like just the other day I was still 20 something. And I still have about three years of school left before I'm done. I'm starting to feel old all of a sudden.
Anyway, about this heat, again. Good grief! I'm way to fat for this. I'm like icecream, you take me out of the cold, I melt. The kids are driving me bonkers, yet it's to hot to take them anyplace other than the mall and I hate the mall.
It has occurred to me recently, that I really should start thinking about the future. As fast as the last several years have gone, it will seem like nothing before I'm done with school and have to go back out in the real world. I've been out of the job market for so long, it will be quite odd to go back. I'm going into a new field I have no contacts in and no real world experience. I really need to do something about that. I need to figure out a way to start networking with people in the business and making good professional contacts so I have some direction to go when I graduate.
I need to start educating my self more as well, learning out side of school. School is so structured and behind everything, it seems like I am constantly learning obsolete information. I need to find someone to work with and learn from. Maybe that will be my goal for the next few months.
Anyway, about this heat, again. Good grief! I'm way to fat for this. I'm like icecream, you take me out of the cold, I melt. The kids are driving me bonkers, yet it's to hot to take them anyplace other than the mall and I hate the mall.
It has occurred to me recently, that I really should start thinking about the future. As fast as the last several years have gone, it will seem like nothing before I'm done with school and have to go back out in the real world. I've been out of the job market for so long, it will be quite odd to go back. I'm going into a new field I have no contacts in and no real world experience. I really need to do something about that. I need to figure out a way to start networking with people in the business and making good professional contacts so I have some direction to go when I graduate.
I need to start educating my self more as well, learning out side of school. School is so structured and behind everything, it seems like I am constantly learning obsolete information. I need to find someone to work with and learn from. Maybe that will be my goal for the next few months.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Things
Are getting better, sort of. Or maybe it's just the recent raise in my meds. Either way, I'm feeling OK. And after the last couple weeks, that feels pretty damn good. When it rains it really rains, that' the way my life seems to go. Financial aid was suspended, truck was repossessed.... was in danger of having to quit school. It was fun. Got the financial aid issues taken care of, still no truck though. Oh well, I didn't really like that truck anyway.
Financial aid probation. I have to keep my grades up this term, or it's no more school. I guess when they give you all that money (hahahahahahaha) they want you to be productive with it. Not like I have to pay it back or anything. Bastards anyway. I guess it's a good motivation to do good and stay on top of things. One of the issues with depression is it occasionally causes me to not want to do a god damn thing. That sucks when you have so much homework to keep up on and things to study. I think I actually do better when I have a heavier class load. I always do better under stress. Give me to much time and I put things off till the last minute. We'll see how that works in the fall.
I need to start writing in this more. I keep forgetting I have it out there. Oh well. I will make a concerted effort to blog on a more consistent basis. Maybe
Financial aid probation. I have to keep my grades up this term, or it's no more school. I guess when they give you all that money (hahahahahahaha) they want you to be productive with it. Not like I have to pay it back or anything. Bastards anyway. I guess it's a good motivation to do good and stay on top of things. One of the issues with depression is it occasionally causes me to not want to do a god damn thing. That sucks when you have so much homework to keep up on and things to study. I think I actually do better when I have a heavier class load. I always do better under stress. Give me to much time and I put things off till the last minute. We'll see how that works in the fall.
I need to start writing in this more. I keep forgetting I have it out there. Oh well. I will make a concerted effort to blog on a more consistent basis. Maybe
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sports??
I must not be a very manly man, because I don't get it. Let's see, a strike is a good thing is bowling, a bad thing in baseball (unless you're the pitcher, then it's a good thing). We call a game football, yet it has very little to do with a foot and ball. We call a game the rest of the world calls football, soccer, yet no Socking is involved. Baseball fans are encouraged to be loud when a player is swinging at a ball going 90 miles an hour yet golf fans must be vewy vewy quiet for some old fart in ugly pants to swing a stick at a ball that isn't moving?
I want to play professional sports, especially basketball. What other job can you perform so poorly at and still make millions? American sports are funny. Baseball, a game that allows middle aged, overweight white guys to make millions playing a silly game with a stick and a ball. Football, a cross between soccer and rugby, both much more difficult games. And they don't use pads or helmets. Yet every year we have the "SuperBowl". A mutlimillion dollar clusterfuck of advertising and beer drinking. Oh, and some gratuitous T&A. It's sad when more people watch for the advertisements than the actuall game.
Who came up with the scoring in these games anyway?? Football, two points, 3 points, extra point??? How about this, the ball goes in the hole one time, you get one point? Is this supposed to make the game more interesting? Because it really doesn't help much.
And my biggest gripe about sports. Those stupid, annoying idiotic announcers! Hey, asshole, shut up, I'm watching the game. I really don't care to hear how you would have done it. If you're opinion was so valued you would be coaching or playing instead of announcing.
It amazes me what they call a sport any more. I was just looking at the Olympics and the "sports" they have listed. Ping Pong is a sport? Curling? Golf isn't a sport, it's a game. What's next? Competitive knitting? In this age of political correctness, seems like we have to let everyone compete in everything. What happened to needing skill? Tallent? Now all you need is some good PR and the rite pair of shoes.
I want to play professional sports, especially basketball. What other job can you perform so poorly at and still make millions? American sports are funny. Baseball, a game that allows middle aged, overweight white guys to make millions playing a silly game with a stick and a ball. Football, a cross between soccer and rugby, both much more difficult games. And they don't use pads or helmets. Yet every year we have the "SuperBowl". A mutlimillion dollar clusterfuck of advertising and beer drinking. Oh, and some gratuitous T&A. It's sad when more people watch for the advertisements than the actuall game.
Who came up with the scoring in these games anyway?? Football, two points, 3 points, extra point??? How about this, the ball goes in the hole one time, you get one point? Is this supposed to make the game more interesting? Because it really doesn't help much.
And my biggest gripe about sports. Those stupid, annoying idiotic announcers! Hey, asshole, shut up, I'm watching the game. I really don't care to hear how you would have done it. If you're opinion was so valued you would be coaching or playing instead of announcing.
It amazes me what they call a sport any more. I was just looking at the Olympics and the "sports" they have listed. Ping Pong is a sport? Curling? Golf isn't a sport, it's a game. What's next? Competitive knitting? In this age of political correctness, seems like we have to let everyone compete in everything. What happened to needing skill? Tallent? Now all you need is some good PR and the rite pair of shoes.
Commercialism
On any given Sunday. Television is a sure sign of one of the biggest problems with this country. Almost every channel has an infomercial selling useless Chinese crap. You can buy just about anything without leaving your arm chair. If the infomercials aren't enough for you, pick a shopping channel. I have basic cable and that gives me 6 to choose from. I love that I pay money to get channels trying to sell me crap I don't need or want.
Seriously though, who buys this crap? Magic creams and powders guaranteed to make you look younger and sexier, only 4 easy payment of 19.99. Well built exercise equipment that promises to take care of those love handles for you. All you have to do is use it 15 minutes a month and make 5 easy credit card payments. Want some really cheap tacky jewelery? Watch HSC, they'll sell you plenty.
Again, who buys this crap? Obviously enough people do or they wouldn't inundate the television with so many commercials. Credit card companies must love these people. The useless crap is broken and long in the nearest land fill before the last payment is even made. We're keeping millions of Chinese employed filling our dumps and closets and attics with junk. I guess that is the new American way though, stay in debt spending money you don't have and crap you don't need and probably will never use anyway. Support corporate share holders, pay taxes to support foreign wars, stay poor so you have to worry about loosing a job you hate. And stay stupid so decent jobs have to be outsourced to third world countries that support education.
I hope that eventually people in this country realize the downward direction we are heading and do something about it, but I doubt it will happen any time soon. We have become a "what about me" society with an apparent since of entitlement. Everyone wants everything but no one wants to work for it or pay for it.
Seriously though, who buys this crap? Magic creams and powders guaranteed to make you look younger and sexier, only 4 easy payment of 19.99. Well built exercise equipment that promises to take care of those love handles for you. All you have to do is use it 15 minutes a month and make 5 easy credit card payments. Want some really cheap tacky jewelery? Watch HSC, they'll sell you plenty.
Again, who buys this crap? Obviously enough people do or they wouldn't inundate the television with so many commercials. Credit card companies must love these people. The useless crap is broken and long in the nearest land fill before the last payment is even made. We're keeping millions of Chinese employed filling our dumps and closets and attics with junk. I guess that is the new American way though, stay in debt spending money you don't have and crap you don't need and probably will never use anyway. Support corporate share holders, pay taxes to support foreign wars, stay poor so you have to worry about loosing a job you hate. And stay stupid so decent jobs have to be outsourced to third world countries that support education.
I hope that eventually people in this country realize the downward direction we are heading and do something about it, but I doubt it will happen any time soon. We have become a "what about me" society with an apparent since of entitlement. Everyone wants everything but no one wants to work for it or pay for it.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
What happened?
To this country? How have things gotten to the point they are at currently? Are we experiencing another Great Depression? I know that each political party likes to blame the other, but their has to be more to it than that. We've been in a decline for a long time. Not just economically. Crime is up, homelessness is up, drug use it up. Education is no longer a priority, public safety is no longer at the top of the list. In fact, the two seem to be the first things to go when money becomes an issue.
Seems to me like we have our priorities a bit fucked up don't we? We spend more money fixing a country we destroyed than we do taking care of our own. We can ship 20,000 troops to the dessert, but couldn't seem to evacuate a city after a hurricane.
I've tried to figure out when exactly it was that things started heading south. Some people like to blame the lack of religion in schools and all that. I think it has more to do with political correctness and lack of personal responsibility. We started punishing the strong and protecting the weak and stupid. We have "no cut" sports teams. "No loser" tournaments. Some teams have the "everyone will play" rule. If you run a billion dollar corporation into the ground, don't worry, you'll still get your bonus and a nice bail out from the tax payers.
It's even worse than that is some areas. Here, criminals know that they can do pretty much what ever they want and if the police bother to investigate and they happen to get caught, they'll only spend a few hours in jail anyway. If crime has no punishment, the criminals have no deterrent yet society says we can't just shoot them. We get punished for protecting ourselves and criminals win lawsuits when they get hurt breaking into someones house. You go to jail longer for not paying taxes than you do for rape. Something seriously wrong with that.
We don't seem to care about education any more, walmart is Chinas number one importer and the largest retail chain in this country. We don't make anything in America any more. I doubt more than a quarter of population could feed, cloth and house themselves with electricity and a supermarket down the road. I have to wonder what it's going to be like in another 10 or 15 years. We seem to get fatter and dumber every year. My only hope is that I can make a difference in the lives of my children and keep them from following the same pattern. My goal is to educate them enough to be able to think for themselves and question everything.
Seems to me like we have our priorities a bit fucked up don't we? We spend more money fixing a country we destroyed than we do taking care of our own. We can ship 20,000 troops to the dessert, but couldn't seem to evacuate a city after a hurricane.
I've tried to figure out when exactly it was that things started heading south. Some people like to blame the lack of religion in schools and all that. I think it has more to do with political correctness and lack of personal responsibility. We started punishing the strong and protecting the weak and stupid. We have "no cut" sports teams. "No loser" tournaments. Some teams have the "everyone will play" rule. If you run a billion dollar corporation into the ground, don't worry, you'll still get your bonus and a nice bail out from the tax payers.
It's even worse than that is some areas. Here, criminals know that they can do pretty much what ever they want and if the police bother to investigate and they happen to get caught, they'll only spend a few hours in jail anyway. If crime has no punishment, the criminals have no deterrent yet society says we can't just shoot them. We get punished for protecting ourselves and criminals win lawsuits when they get hurt breaking into someones house. You go to jail longer for not paying taxes than you do for rape. Something seriously wrong with that.
We don't seem to care about education any more, walmart is Chinas number one importer and the largest retail chain in this country. We don't make anything in America any more. I doubt more than a quarter of population could feed, cloth and house themselves with electricity and a supermarket down the road. I have to wonder what it's going to be like in another 10 or 15 years. We seem to get fatter and dumber every year. My only hope is that I can make a difference in the lives of my children and keep them from following the same pattern. My goal is to educate them enough to be able to think for themselves and question everything.
School's out, for a week anyway
I don't know what to do with myself. It's very odd to not have homework to worry about and things to study. Of course, I am sure I could find something to study if I really wanted to. But i don't. My poor fried brain needs a rest. I'm waiting to find out if I passed my math class or not. I wish the silly asses would hurry up with that bit of information. I need to know if I can take math 111 over the summer or if I need to take math 95 again.
I really don't want to take math 95 again, that would make me a very unhappy person. But if I do, I do. I know a good portion of the class didn't do to well either, so hopefully the grading curve will be very very steep. All I need is a C. I'm not going to be picky this term, I allready know I failed one class, so I'm good with just passing. Summer term will be a fresh start. I need to stay healthy, stay focused and make sure i get to class every day. I need to keep my immune system up, lots of vitamins, keep from getting sick.
Mostly, though, I need to focus and work on my time management. I need to make sure I get all my school work done and have time to actually study.
I really don't want to take math 95 again, that would make me a very unhappy person. But if I do, I do. I know a good portion of the class didn't do to well either, so hopefully the grading curve will be very very steep. All I need is a C. I'm not going to be picky this term, I allready know I failed one class, so I'm good with just passing. Summer term will be a fresh start. I need to stay healthy, stay focused and make sure i get to class every day. I need to keep my immune system up, lots of vitamins, keep from getting sick.
Mostly, though, I need to focus and work on my time management. I need to make sure I get all my school work done and have time to actually study.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
More warning labels and stupid people
Seriously, are people truly so stupid as needing a label on a jar of peanut butter telling people that it contains peanuts?? Warning, coffee is hot? Viagra, does not protect against aids?? What the hell? Why are we so worried about protecting the stupid? Skim the gene pool, clean it out. It seems every time I turn around, it's another warning label or sign. Some of them make me laugh, most make me worried that people are so dumb.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Colors
Ok, for the very few of you that read this drivel. Do you like these colors? Are they difficult to read? Hard on the eyes? I'm experimenting and need some feedback.
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