Support

So I've spent many hours searching and searching for some kind of decent local support group for men who need to lose weight. My conclusion? There aren't any. My solution? Start one.


I have sent so many emails I've lost track.  I am trying to gather information, get help and find direction. I've never tried to do anything like this before and I'm entirely sure how to go about it. But then I've never before found something I feel so much passion about. I am tired of people trying to make money off of fat people, to dangle promises in front of them, only to disappoint. Weight watchers cares more about selling you crap than helping you lose weight.

So,  I now have a goal, a purpose, something to focus my energy on. And most importantly, something I care about. Wish me luck. I need it.

How many

How many health scares does it take to motivate me to do something? Apparently this many. After 5 days in the hospital recovering from surgery on a massive, infected abscess, I have finally decided to quit fucking around and get serious about changing my habits, my life and my health.

I know I can do this, I've seen others do it, it can be done. I weigh 550 pounds for fucks sake. My body can't take any more. It's been yelling at me for a while now and I have been ignoring the messages. The problem with living in denial, eventually reality kicks you in the balls.

I have to reprogram my brain and my body, do a hard reboot of sorts. Just changing the way I think about food is hard. Changing my habits, not eating out of boredom, hard. 

I am going to use this forum to keep myself accountable. To keep track of my progress. And on the off chance that anyone ever reads this crap, maybe help someone else                                                                     

remembering the past to focus on the future

Trying to remember my childhood is quite difficult for me. It's all a jumble of places, faces, houses, moves. It all kind of blends together. I tried once to remember all of our moves over the years and still can't get them all straight.


I have left so many things behind. Toys from my years as a kid, animals, friends. Just to float to the next place and the next face, following my dad around. I can't remember names of people I once new. I can't remember what town I lived in at what time, at least not until highschool. I have random memories pop up and can't figure out if they are real, or if it's something I read, heard, watched. It makes me feel very strange at times.

Today my counselor described it as being "dis-attached". It suddenly made so much since. Why I have such an issue committing to anything. Why I have a hard time keeping interest in things. I frequently feel as if I've been floating through life for the last 36 years. Bobbing like an empty bottle in the current, with no control over my destination.

But it's more than that. I have such a hard time even caring what my destination is. Frequently, once I reach one, I'm not happy with it and throw myself back into the water, to bob along a while longer. My present feeling about school is a perfect example.

Life

So why is it that I still can't get my shit together and make a plan for the rest of my life? Here I am, almost done with at least my associates, and I'm wondering if I'm going in a direction I realy want to. Even after two years of school, I still feel like I know nothing about computers. I certainly don't feel qualified to go get a job in the field.

I can't help but ponder the past and think about the things I wanted to do when I was younger. Or at least thought I wanted to do. And just never got around to it. Lack of motivation sucks like that. But when you're chronically depressed, finding motivation and drive is really quite difficult. It's very easy to float through life and let things happen to you, instead of taking charge and making things happen for you. I still feel like life is happening to me, instead of feeling like I'm living it.

The few things I do enjoy doing are not things one can make a living at. And even if you could, I don't think I'm nearly good enough to do so.

Hopefully more therapy will help me get things under control and on track. I can't say back on track, because I don't think I ever have been. I spent most of my life wandering around, changing jobs, doing different things. Pretty much following in dad's footprints. To the same end, I'm afraid. At least now I actually understand why I am the way I am. That helps a little bit.
Perhaps I should attempt to write more, it seems some what therapeutic to put things down like this.

some more

Photography, such as it is

Taking another photography class this term, hoping for some motivation. It's hard to get out with the camera when you're stressed out and in pain, but I managed because I had to.

These are all taken at a community garden behind my house.

smoking

Good god, now I remember why I've always had a horrible time quitting. I HATE the way I feel. I don't think I'm the average addict, or maybe I am. The way lack of nicotine affects me is almost scary. Even on meds, my depression and anxiety go through the roof. My mood is horrible, massive headaches, tired, feel like crap. It sucks. I know I need to quit, and at the moment don't have money for them any way, but fucking hell.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?????!!!!!!huh? shit, I don't know

I keep thinking about writing in this thing and never seem to get around to it. can't seem to keep the thoughts in my hand long enough to type them. Either that, or I sit down to type them and blank goes the mind. That seems to happen a lot lately. Feel like a Ferrari stuck in the sand, motors doing 150, wheels are spinning in the sand. If I could accomplish half the shit that wanders through my mind, I'd be a lot better off than I am at the moment.

Sick. Again

Good grief. Again with the ear infection? Really? More antibiotics. Had my chest xrayed, no issues inside, so that's a good thing. Especially after smoking for so many years.
Speaking of smoking. Trying to quit, again. Hardest thing I've ever done. I keep failing at it. So, try, try again right? Between the cost and the health issues, I have to kick the damn things. Lots of gum. And suckers.

The struggle begins.

Current weight: 535.60 pounds
Height: 6' 4"
BMI: To high to measure
Goal Weight: 250
Pounds to lose: 285

Wow. That puts things in perspective a bit. Holey shit. I need to lose the equivalent of a large person. Well, I've made attempts in the past, many times, to lose weight. I've failed every time. I'm very good at making excuses for not doing it. No time, hurts to much, to busy........ If I keep it up my next excuse is going to be death.

So, I've decided to attempt to blog my weight lost struggles, my quitting smoking struggles and my sanity struggles. Perhaps to help me vent, but also to keep myself accountable to myself. I've finally got my mind in a better place, now it's time for the rest of me.