Triggers

trig·ger warn·ing
noun

a statement at the start of a piece of writing, video, etc., alerting the reader or viewer to the fact that it contains potentially distressing material (often used to introduce a description of such content).

Ah yes, the new PC warning label. Except life doesn't come with "trigger warning" labels attached to everything. Depression and anxiety also have triggers. They're different, I imagine, for every person afflicted. We know what some of them are simply from experience but every once in a while something new and interesting comes along. One of the most common triggers for both depression and anxiety is stress. Stress is unavoidable. It happens. So we know that we WILL be "triggered". There's no way around it. What matters is how you handle it when it does happen. Do you dive headfirst into the abyss or do you start swimming while looking for a life raft? It's not always an easy choice. When a trigger clicks it often hits like a tsunami. Hard to stay afloat in a tsunami, no matter how good the swimmer is. 

The one method I find that consistently helps with both the depression and the anxiety is being mindful of it. I've lived with it my entire life, I know what it feels like, I know how it affects me, I know exactly what will happen if I let it. As they said when I was a kid, knowing is half the battle. Once you've been through a panic attack you know what it feels like, you know it's going to end eventually and you also know exactly what it is. Being aware won't completely stop it, but it helps a lot. And there are things you can do to limit the effects if you're aware of what is happening. I find that doing something seems to help. Going to the gym if I can. Getting up and moving around. Even chores. Anything that gives me something to focus on other than the depression or anxiety. 

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience. 

Mindfulness is an emotionally non-reactive state. We don’t judge that this experience is good and that one is bad. Or if we do make those judgments we simply notice them and let go of them. We don’t get upset because we’re experiencing something we don’t want to be experiencing or because we’re not experiencing what we would rather be experiencing. We simply accept whatever arises. We observe it mindfully. We notice it arising, passing through us, and ceasing to exist. 

I know my depression has been triggered, I recognize it for what it is. I know that I'm feeling the way I am as a result of depression and it being triggered. I know these feelings, I recognize them and I know they will pass. If I focus on them they feed. If I give them attention they increase in size. If I simply acknowledge them for what they are and move on, while they don't completely go away, they do get smaller and smaller until they slink back into the boxes I store them in. When I have an anxiety attack I have two options, let it take control or recognize it for what it is and let in flow through me until it's gone, like water through sand. Panic attacks suck because they trigger that primal fight or flight part of your brain. Once that's triggered it's very difficult to gain control, but it's possible. It takes being aware of what is happening. And knowing that it will go away before you actually die. There is no monster chasing you so there is no need to run. 

I do find that I struggle with this idea. More so lately as the triggers seem to more and more frequent. As stress finds me yet again I have to force myself to be more mindful. I ask myself if there is a logical reason for the way I'm feeling or if it's simply a latent emotion trying to beckon me into the abyss. Having lived there so long I never wish to return so I am ever vigilant. 

Sources:

http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/causes/triggers

http://www.everydayhealth.com/anxiety-pictures/7-surprising-causes-of-anxiety.aspx

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/panic-attacks-and-panic-disorders.htm

http://www.everydayhealth.com/hs/depression-pictures/avoiding-common-depression-triggers/#01

http://www.webmd.com/depression/breaking-depression-cycle-12/depression-triggers

http://www.wildmind.org/applied/daily-life/what-is-mindfulness

http://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/

The bad days

I still have them. Today seems to be one. No matter how hard I try to keep the abyss at bay it's always lapping at the back of my mind and every once in a while it comes flooding in like the Mississippi through a broken levy. When it does it washing away everything with its destructive force. The progress I've made becomes meaningless and it's once again a struggle to simply function. I've finally accepted the inevitability of these floods. It's never a matter of if but rather when they will happen and just how deep the murky water will get this time. I find it necessary to cling to anything that floats, no matter how small in order to keep my head above. To keep from finally sinking into the blissful abyss that beckons. To escape into the dark, thoughtless, emotionless and uncaring oblivion of depression seems, at times, a welcome escape from life. Though having delved there often in previous years I know this not  true there is that part of me that yearns for it, that so desperately wants to surrender. I despise these feeling and they laugh knowing they can so easily take control. They are the monster under the bed and there's no parent to turn on a light and scare them away. The only choice seems stay in bed and hope the monster finally tires or finally eats you. But the monster does neither, it simply reminds you it's under the bed.

There are times that I believe depression to be the worst of any disease. For many there is a cure, for others an inescapable conclusion, depression continues. There are some things that seem to lesson it, others that keep it at bay, at least temporarily, but it is always there. The one never ending constant in life. It is rather fascinating in that aspect. How one crossed wire in a brain can cause one to wander through life either floating in the abyss or running from it. Or there are some I suppose who run toward it, leaping head first from the most convenient point and entering the darkness with barely a splash. There are times I envy such people. To embrace the madness and let it have its way must be, at least in the short term, both exhilarating and empowering. Sadly, I know neither of those emotions are long lived. Nor is the person who takes that dive. What though is the other option? To fight, to struggle, to simply exist in hope that someday things will change? And yet knowing they never will. Yes, there are the good days to look forward to yet the bad seem always inevitable and sneaky. Like a mouse living in your wall. You know it's there, you hear it squeak on occasion and you never know when it's going to come through the wall, steel the cheese and shit on the counter. I hate that fucking mouse.

The only person you have anything to prove to is yourself.

If you ever want to instantly alienate an obese person simply tell them they need to go on a diet. They'll build the tallest, thickest imaginary wall between themselves and you you've never seen. I know it's probably shocking to all those people who have never struggled with obesity but we know we're fat, we know it's not healthy, we know what we "should" do and being told by a "friend" or family member or doctor does absolutely nothing to help us. There's probably a thousand psychological reasons for this, maybe more. Until the person decides to do something to help themselves all the bad advice, all the suggestions, all the "I just care about you" comments amount to nothing. A person has to truly want to change, for their own reasons, before they will. They have to want it. If they don't, they won't.

I first realized this at a rather young age when I was pressured by my peers, adults, teachers, hell, the entire town, to play football. I didn't want to. I had no interest in it, it did nothing for me. You can't be good at something you don't care about or want to do. I wasn't. And I still often walk with a limp as a reminder of that fact. Later in life I stopped caring about pretty much everything, especially my health and my weight. I climbed inside myself and tried to eat myself to happiness or death, whichever came first. For some time I felt they were one and the same. And then things changed. Or rather, I changed things. Hard to say exactly what triggered that decision, I don't think it was any one thing but rather many. And here I am at 42, going to the gym 5 days a week and actually giving a shit about my health for the first time in....ever. April 1st will mark one year at the gym. That will be roughly 260 days spent bettering myself. Around 520 hours of sweat. August 28th with be my 3 year mark with bariatric surgery. Something that certainly wasn't the success I had hoped, but it at least got me heading in the right direction.

The first day I walked into the gym I didn't think I would last 10 minutes. I left two hours later. And I went back the next day. I had to force myself to go. I had to convince myself that it was something I needed, something I had to do. I told myself that I would feel better if I went and I fought back the clawing abyss that screamed "just say fuck it and stay home!". I didn't do it for anyone else. I didn't go back because someone told me I needed to lose weight. I went back to prove to myself that I could. I went back not to prove anything to those in the gym that first day who made asinine comments or who stared at me like I was some frightening creature that crawled from the muck to take up their space in their gym. No, I did it to prove to myself that I could. And I go back every day to do the same thing. I have no need, or interest, in proving anything to anyone other than myself. I have no need to put myself in competition with anyone other than myself. My goal is to do just a little more tomorrow than I did today.

Too often we convince ourselves to do things for the wrong reasons. We do them because "society" says we are supposed. We do them because the media has convinced us that it's what we want. We do them to satisfy someone. How often do we do thing for the one reason that really matter, because we want to? Women have it far worse I think than men do, at least when it comes to physical appearance and how they conduct themselves in public. Why else would they put on those uncomfortable shoes, cram themselves into clothes that are too tight and spend hours putting on makeup? How many women starve themselves so they can fit that absurd standard that has been created for them? And we wonder why these fad diets fail so miserably (unless you're the one making millions off of them) and why people are always looking for that magic pill to fix everything or that new book with all the answers to all those pesky questions life throws at us. You can't change successfully if your reason for doing so it to make someone else happy, you have to do it for you.

I now look forward to going to the gym. I remember those first few weeks and what a struggle it was with some kind of amusement. I need my time in the gym now. It's how I relax. It makes me feel better. It's almost a form of meditation. I pick something up and I tell myself I'm going to lift it this many times before I put it down. And then I prove to myself that I can. I don't worry about what anyone else thinks or says or does. I think only about what I am doing then, what I did yesterday and what I will do tomorrow. I'm not in the gym every day because it's "bikini season" soon or because I want to look like that dude in that movie with the cut abs. I'm in the gym because I want to be the best me I can be. I don't know what that is yet but I will when I get there. I don't go to impress people, I don't go to show others what I can do. I go because I want to go. Because it helps me. And that is why I keep going back.

There is a guy on Youtube named Elliot Hulse, he has two different "channels", his personal one and another called "Strength Camp". His slogan is "Be the strongest version of yourself". This really struck me when I heard him say it. Don't strive for the goals of others or of society, be the strongest you you can be. If that's a ditch digger then awesome. If it's an athlete or a musician or a teacher or a parent or anything else, be the strongest you you can be. Not everyone can dunk a basketball and not everyone can write code or play a piano or fix a car. Not everyone can bench 500 pounds or squat a thousand, and they shouldn't feel the need to try. It only ends in frustration and injury. There comes a point in life when you have to not only accept your limitations, whatever they are, but embrace them as well. We're all capable of amazing things. So I will keep going to the gym to work on being the strongest version of me possible. I may never squat a thousand pounds but I'm getting close to leg pressing it.

At the core

Or is that the middle? Eh, anyway, contrary to what many seem to believe, there is much more to the "core" than just your abs. Your core is a complex series of muscles, extending far beyond your abs, including everything besides your arms and legs. It is incorporated in almost every movement of the human body. But it's really easy to ignore many parts of it. Core muscles are what support your spine, they're the ones that hold things together. The major muscles that move, support and stabilize your spine are what make up the core. Major muscles included are the pelvic floor muscles, transversus abdominis, multifidus, internal and external obliques, rectus abdominis, erector spinae (sacrospinalis) especially the longissimus thoracis, and the diaphragm. Minor core muscles include the latissimus dorsi, gluteus maximus, and trapezius. Your core is not only where your organs and central nervous system do their work, it’s also where your body’s largest veins and arteries are based. Keeping strong core muscles will help ensure everything stays protected. They are what keeps your lower back from going out on you once or twice a month. Core exercises train the muscles in your pelvis, lower back, hips and abdomen to work in harmony. This leads to better balance and stability, whether on the playing field or in daily activities. In fact, most sports and other physical activities depend on stable core muscles. Weight lifting certainly does. And I've grossly neglected mine. Of course I've also had numerous holes punched through my abdominal wall in the last few years. Twelve or so of them if I counted right.

As the weight I lift increases I'm finding that I'm noticing my core more. And I'm also noticing that it needs some attention. There's more to building a strong core than simply doing some sit-ups and crunches. Here is an example of what some of those muscles are responsible for and an exercise to target them:

RECTUS ABDOMINUS

• Location: Covers the area from sternum all the way down to the pelvis bone.
• Function: Pulls the upper torso to the hips
• Exercises: Crunch or Sit-up

OBLIQUE

• Location: Side of the waist.
• Internal Obliques
• Transverse Obliques
• External Obliques
• Function: Tilt and twist the torso
• Exercises: Side Bends and Decline Oblique Crunches

INTERCOSTALS

• Location: Between the side of the rib cage. It comes into play when you flex the torso and twist from side to side.
• Function: Elevation and depression of the ribs
• Exercise: Air Bike

SERRATUS

• Location: Between front abs and lats.
• Function: Pulling of the scapula forward and around like in the motion of throwing a punch
• Exercises: Barbell Pullovers and Cable Crunches

One of the interesting things about core exercises is that there are many of them that can be done with nothing more than your body and some room on the floor. They don't require a gym or any special equipment, just some time and dedication. Here's a list of 25 of them. The internet can provide plentiful examples of each one being performed.

1. Plank hold
2. Side plank hold
3. Spiderman plank
4. Reverse plank
5. Side oblique crunch 
6. Side oblique leg raise
7. Oblique core crunch
8. V-up 
9. Single leg crunches
10. Superman
11. Bird dog 
12. Cat dog
13. Row the boat crunch
14. Lying leg raise
15. Straight leg toe touches
16. Bicycle abs
17. Scissor kicks
18. Butterfly sit-up
19. Russian twist
20. Lying windmills
21. Low belly double leg reach 
22. Swan dive
23. Standing crunches
24. Lying leg circles
25. Supine twist 

There are two different types of muscles that make up the core: The muscles responsible for stabilizing respond best to isometric exercises held for a period of time or low-intensity (bodyweight) exercises for a higher number of repetitions. The muscles responsible for providing movement of the trunk respond best to increased loading (resistance) for a fewer number of repetitions—this rep range won’t make the muscles bigger, but will be more effective at stimulating the muscle fibers; for optimal results the muscles should fatigue before twelve repetitions. If you can complete more than 12 repetitions, increase the load or resistance of the exercise. When using heavier resistance for a fewer number of repetitions, the rest period between sets or between circuits should be longer. For example, an exercise with a heavy resistance for 6 repetitions should be followed by a rest interval of 1 ½ to 2 minutes.

For some reason I have resisted focusing on my core but I do believe it's time to change that. It is part of the strong foundation and a house built upon a poor foundation won't last long at all. And cardio, I loath cardio. And I need to do more of that too.

Sources:

• Core Training: Do You Really Know Which Muscles Make Up Your Core? By Aliesa R. George
• 5 Core Workouts For A Tight Midsection - A Beginner's Guide! By Alex Stewart
• http://breakingmuscle.com/mobility-recovery/do-you-know-what-your-core-really-is-and-what-it-does
• http://greatist.com/fitness/50-bodyweight-exercises-you-can-do-anywhere
• http://www.livestrong.com/slideshow/551492-2o-best-body-weight-exercises/
• http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/fitness/multimedia/core-strength/sls-20076575

How's your grip?

Lifting strap

If you lift for a while one thing is certain, you will figure out just how much you can hold in your hands before your grip gives out. Many exercises require a great deal of strength in the hand, wrist and forearm to perform optimally. If you don't have the grip you just can't lift the weight. There are exercises that help build that strength and there are also tools that help with it. In the past that tool has been straps. Straps get a lot of negative press for various reasons. Some people think that using a strap instead of building grip strength is simply counterproductive. Some people view straps the same way they view gloves, they go best with a purse. Personally I was never a fan of straps simply because I found them more a pain in the ass to use than useful. And I never really seemed to need them. The few times I did attempt using them I had a great deal of trouble wrapping the left strap as my my right hand was already strapped to the bar. I couldn't get them tight enough to work properly and finally just gave them back to the person I borrowed them from. They seemed more hassle than help. So I never bothered with them again until today. But what I used today aren't straps exactly. They're called VarsaGrips. http://versagripps.com/

Versa Gripps eliminates grip fatigue and failure, allowing the user to concentrate on the larger muscle groups while not thinking or worrying about one's grip. When you no longer have to worry about losing your grip or your grip becoming tired, you will then be able to concentrate and appreciate the mind/muscle connection. Huge gains will be experienced. 

Versa Gripps are used for all pushing (as in the bench press) and pulling (as in the deadlift) movements in strength training. The patented Versa Gripps take the place of gloves, lifting straps, hooks and wrist supports. By using Versa Gripps, both movements are accomplished safely, easily and comfortably.

Unlike lifting straps - that are difficult to use, particularly over your head - Versa Gripps are flexible, self-supporting and stand-up in front of your hand. This design makes it quick and easy to reach by the tips of the fingers on the same hand that is wearing them.

There are several video reviews of these online but those reviews don't really talk about how they actually work in the gym, they're more about construction, look and all that useless crap. I wanted to see how well they actually worked so I bought some. 

I usually use gloves in the gym because of the nerve damage in my hands. When I have to grip tightly with nothing to assist my fingers will go completely numb and then I can't close my hands anymore. Once that happens my day at the gym is done. However, gloves don't really help with grip strength, especially when pulling heavy weight. The Versa Gripps do though. I used them today both for pushing and pulling exercises as well as on a rope attachment and they performed better than I had hoped. 

I noticed a few things almost instantly. My hands don't sweat not being in gloves. The bar felt much tighter and more secure in my hand. My hands didn't move, at all. And most importantly, I was able to lift heavier and longer without my fingers getting fatigued and feeling like I was going to drop the bar. I found that doing the full number of repetitions was noticeably easier as was maintaining my form. I have had issues with the rope attachment sliding through my grip when doing certain exercises, the Versa Gripps didn't allow that to happen. There are couple negatives, but they're not terrible. It's very difficult to write with the grips on, they tend to get in the way. It's also somewhat difficult to grab things other than the bar due to how the grip sits over your palm. But, as I said, those things aren't terribly troublesome and they can be worked around. You can see in the photo below just how they hang in relation to your hand. But this is also what makes them so easy to use. 

I also noticed that, while these certainly help with grip, they don't completely eliminate the need for some muscle. You aren't relying completely on the grip like you can with straps, you still need to squeeze and hang on. And they work for pushing, straps don't. I left these on for my entire workout and found they worked with every exercise I did. 

So, if you lift often and need something to help with your grip, I highly recommend these. If you hate straps like I do, try these instead. Yes, they're a bit pricey but if you use them every day it's an investment in you. And you are always worth an investment.

On a side note, if you live in the Springfield, Oregon area and want to buy them locally I found them at Gym Ratz Sports Nutrition. It's at 1843 Pioneer Pkwy E. That's the little "mall" on the corner of Pioneer and Q. He's got a great little store with a wide selection of sports nutrition products. Pre-workouts, post workouts, protein mixes, all that stuff places like GNC sell but without the corporate attitude and prices.

Slow and steady wins the race

The two top photos are from August of 2013, the bottom two are from today, Sunday January 24th, 2016. Now when I look at these photos I don't see much of a difference. I think I was around 500 pounds in August and now I'm hovering at 406, so only 94 pounds. It seems like it's taken decades and at times I feel like I've accomplished nothing. But I keep going. I have to remind myself that it takes time. You can't go from zero to 100 in six seconds when you're driving an old, beat up car with high mileage and knocking lifters, it just don't work. And if it does it won't end well. I have to rebuild the car one piece at a time. Or to mix metaphors, you have to build the foundation before you can build the house. I've spent the last several months working on the foundation.

When I first stepped into the gym I could barely climb the steps to the second floor, now that's no problem. 10 minutes on the treadmill was exhausting for me, now it's how I warm up. I can fit in clothes I haven't had on in 10 years. I can walk through a store without having to stop. I fit in cars, with the seat belt on. So I've made progress. Now it's time to adjust my methods and decide what I want to do. Well, other than the obvious. I still have a great deal of weight to get rid of.

I, like everyone else who spends time in the gym, wish there was some magic trick I could use to simply abra cadabra myself fit and thin, but it just doesn't work that way. Damnit anyway. Myself, being much like that old car trying to make the top of the hill, have to pace myself and go one step at a time. I haven't done my body any favors over the years and it reminds of that fact pretty much every day. There are days when I dwell in the past and remember my younger years when I could push myself far harder than I can today and still walk the next day. Those days, like my sanity, are long gone and should probably just be forgotten. I aint no spring chicken. Though in all honestly I do seem able to hold my own in the gym these days. I've had a chuckle or two watching the youngsters try to keep up with me and failing. That's always good for the ego. And the day I let my ego run ahead of my common sense is the day I hurt myself and have to take 25 steps back.

And that's what I'm dealing with right now. I'm at the point that I want to push harder and faster and yet I know that if I do I'm going to hurt something again and be worse off than if I simply stay with the slow and steady. There's a story about that method winning the race you know. Every time I get an urge to pile on the weight and show off I have to remind myself that it's just not worth it and the only person I need worry about in the gym is me and how I did yesterday and what I want to do tomorrow.  It's not a competition and no one cares anyway. I can't compare myself to anyone else, only myself yesterday or last month or last year. And when I do that I know I've accomplished something.

If you care to look you'll find that there are as many opinions about weight loss and weight lifting as there are people with something to sell. There's books, magazines, websites, blogs and vlogs too. You can watch Youtube videos until your eyes bleed and you're so confused you can't remember your own name. It's all well and good I suppose, but it gets to be a bit much. I focus on only a few very basic principles. Do more today than you did yesterday. Even if it's only one minute or one pound or one rep. Form is VERY important. Form prevents injury. Form puts the focus on the desired muscle. Good form looks cool too. Bad form though, bad form looks silly and puts people in traction. Bad form is the fastest way to ruin a good workout and end it by limping home to find the muscle ointment and pain meds. And finally, try and have fun. People take this shit so seriously. I see it every day, these people that just look pissed the hell off about being in the gym. They show up, look miserable, blast out a few reps, chug their "workout" drink of choice, check themselves out in the mirrors and leave as miserable as they came. Lighten up! Going to the gym is my medicine. It keeps me sane. It reduces my stress level. It gets me out of the house. And one other thing, write it down. I don't know about you but the older I get the less I can seem to remember so if I don't write it down I sure can't remember it in a week, or a month.

When you write it down you can go back later and compare last month, or six months ago, to what you did today. This way you can see what, if anything, has improved. You can see what is and isn't working, you can see what hurt and figure out why (bench pressing with a bad shoulder, not a really fab idea). And this allows you to make changes, to improve your workouts and thus improve yourself. That's where I'm at today. I'm trying to figure out the next step, the next goal and what I need to do to achieve them. This is when that information (opinion) overload gets to be bothersome. Given the plethora of options it's not feasible to simply try them all until something sticks, that would take years. So it becomes necessary to weed through the mounds of bullshit and find the truths, the proven methods, the "tried and true". And even then there's entirely too damn many to choose from. Though it really boils down to lift more. There is some fascinating science behind some of it. Why muscles get bigger and stronger is well known, it's the methods used to achieve this where the confusion often arises.

Here's a little basic science I ehhhhh......borrowed from http://www.builtlean.com/2013/09/17/muscles-grow/

3 Mechanisms That Make Muscles Grow

Underlying all progression of natural muscle growth is the ability to continually put more stress on the muscles. This stress is a major component involved in the growth of a muscle and disrupts homeostasis within your body. The stress and subsequent disruption in homeostasis causes three main mechanisms that spur on muscle growth.

Muscle Growth Mechanism #1: Muscle Tension
In order to produce muscle growth, you have to apply a load of stress greater than what your body or muscles had previously adapted too. How do you do this? The main way is to lift progressively heavier weights. This additional tension on the muscle helps to cause changes in the chemistry of the muscle, allowing for growth factors that include mTOR activation and satellite cell activation.

Muscular tension also most dramatically effects the connection of the motor units with the muscle cells. Two other factors help to explain why some people can be stronger, but not as big as other people.

Muscle Growth Mechanism #2: Muscle Damage

If you’ve ever felt sore after a workout, you have experienced the localized muscle damage from working out. This local muscle damage causes a release of inflammatory molecules and immune system cells that activate satellite cells to jump into action. This doesn’t mean that you have to feel sore in order for this to happen, but instead that the damage from the workout has to be present in your muscle cells. Typically soreness is attenuated over time by other mechanisms.

Muscle Growth Mechanism #3: Metabolic Stress

If you’ve ever felt the burn of an exercise or had the “pump” in the gym, then you’ve felt the effects of metabolic stress. Scientists used to question bodybuilders when they said the “pump” caused their muscles to become larger. After more investigation, it seems as though they were onto something.

Metabolic stress causes cell swelling around the muscle, which helps to contribute to muscle growth without necessarily increasing the size of the muscle cells. This is from the addition of muscle glycogen, which helps to swell the muscle along with connective tissue growth. This type of growth is known as sarcoplasmic hypertrophy and is one of the ways that people can get the appearance of larger muscles without increases in strength.

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Muscle tension is why it's important to do today just a little (or a lot) more than you did yesterday. It's the reason that half hour on the treadmill isn't hard anymore but also why the 45 minutes is. You've adapted to the stress, built the proper muscles to compensate and your body is now able to conduct that activity. If you keep at that half hour for a year you'll probably be wondering why you don't see anymore improvement. Adaptation. The same is true of lifting. If you do the same weight for the same reps in the same order, day after day, month after month, nothing will change after awhile. You'll adapt, it will seem easier, but you won't grow stronger or build more muscle. You have to push just a little harder. And then a little more. Well, unless you're happy with where you're at, if that's the case then congratulations and carry on. You've succeeded. I'm not there yet. Not even on the same continent. Though the ship is steaming in that direction. 

Everyone's favorite, muscle damage. It sounds so darn scary but it's necessary if you want muscle growth. Every time the muscle is damaged it repairs itself and comes back stronger. Well, it should be noted that this form of muscle damage is far different than the other kind of muscle damage. There is a good kind and there is a bad kind. The bad kind can takes months to repair, even require surgery. The key is to know the difference. In my younger days I witnessed several people doing irreparable damage to their muscles by trying to lift entirely too much and failing miserably. Muscle damage is also a reason to push just a little harder every day. If you want them to grow you have to hurt them just a little. Tough love kids, tough love. 

And finally, metabolic stress, or "the burn". I love feeling the burn. It usually starts about the same time as the endorphin rush and that rush is better than snorting coke off a whore's ass (not that I've ever done that, just heard about it). The burn usually starts the rep after you think you can't do anymore reps. 

There are three primary rules to getting stronger, or so I've read and been told. They are:

1. Always train to a point where your muscles are seriously taxed. If you don't, there won't be adequate stimulation for the adaptation response to be triggered. Gym rats call this working "to failure" and it's long been a successful method. I generally don't push to that point but that's because I don't really follow rule 3, I spend 5 days a week in the gym. I need it for my sanity.

2. Always keep changing the exercises you do and the way you do them so your muscles do not adapt too quickly to the work you are doing. There are quite literally thousands of options to choose from.

3. Make sure that you spend more time resting that you do training. Physiologically, training is about breaking down your muscles, while resting is about building them up, so if you are serious about increasing your results, you should train harder but less frequently. This is one rule I don't really follow. I suppose it depends on just how far along you are too. It's also why each day I spend in the gym is dedicated to a different part of my body. 

My 5 days are chest, shoulders, back, triceps & biceps, legs. Every day starts with a 10 minute warm-up, usually on the treadmill. I slacked on this step for a while and paid the price. Hitting the weights straight out of the gate, cold and stiff, first thing in the morning, not a great plan. I keep my rest period between sets to a minute or less and my rest between exercises to around 3 minutes. Sometime when the gym is busy it gets up to around 5 but if it's going to be more than that I just choose a different exercise and move on. I go for 5 or six sets per exercise and 8 to 12 reps, depending on what I'm doing and how much it weighs. So far I've had a lot of success with this method but I've found that lately it's just not having the desired effect any more. Time to change things up some. Time for rule number 2 I suppose.

Life is.....

Depression is a constant sense of hopelessness and despair. It can be difficult to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy friends and activities. Some people have clinical depression only once in their life, while others have it several times in a lifetime. And still others deal with it every single day of their existence. I fall in that lucky group.

Most people feel sad or low at some point in their lives. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:

• Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
• Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
• Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others)
• Restlessness or feeling slowed down
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
• Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)

If you've ever heard that phrase "my give a damn is busted" you've heard a pretty accurate description of clinical depression. It makes everything hard. And I mean everything. Hard to get out of bed in the morning, hard to go to sleep at night. Hard to function in the daytime, to find motivation, to simply function. You have no drive, no ambition, no will to do much of anything other than exist. Constantly tired, annoyed, even angry for no tangible reason. The thought of doing what others do every day is as daunting as climbing Everest in the winter wearing nothing but shorts. Frankly it sucks. 

I've dealt with it my entire life and up until a few years ago really had no idea what it was or why I felt the way I did. I always knew there was something "wrong" with me but no one ever bothered to explain it to me and I didn't know how to find the answers. When you wake up every day and wish you hadn't, when you spend your free time thinking of all the different ways you could end your life, you know you have a problem. It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally realized just how bad the problem was and decided to do something about it. And I still wish there was more I could do. While I, for the most part, don't sit and contemplate ending my life, I do struggle every single day to keep going. Some are better than others, I have the occasional good day. But it's something I know will never go away, I can only learn to live with it. And that is the struggle, to live, not simply to survive. There is a difference. To exist only requires breathing another day, it takes little effort. To live though, that is much more difficult when you have depression. 

I recently turned 42 and I realized what simply surviving had done to me, how it affected every aspect of my life. Jobs, choices, relationships, more choices. Moving here and moving there and making more choices. Gaining weight and allowing my health to deteriorate to the point it did. For me, as I get older self reflection becomes easier and I find that I'm much more honest with myself than I was earlier in life. In the moment I would almost always find a way to blame anyone or anything other than myself for my choices and actions. When leaving a job or a lover or a location, it was always some outside force that made it necessary, never me. When you survive with depression it's very difficult to be honest with yourself. When you simply don't care, or can't care, it's easy to "go with the flow". Or at least that's why I always told myself. Just go with it, don't fight for it, that would take effort. Just move on, float away. Ship the oars and let life take you where it will. Even if it's straight off a cliff. 

So here I am at 42, learning to live for the first time in my existence. I've conquered the majority of my demons, I've accepted who and what I am, I've addressed my many issues and while I still struggle with some of them every day I can now recognize them for what they are. I have finally, after entirely too many years of saying "fuck it", made a commitment to my health, both physical and mental. Now what? What do I do with the rest of my life? At 42 I feel like my options are somewhat limited. My choices brought me to where I am today and I can't change that, what I can control is my future. And I have no idea what to do with it. I still struggle with the "give a damn", I still struggle with the depression. And I know I always will. But I have built the tools to work with it instead of fighting it or simply floating along. Yet I have no idea what to do. I lack direction, as I always have. The difference is that these days I have children and wife. I have responsibilities and commitments. I can't simply say fuck it and float away until I finally bump ashore someplace. It's time to put the oars back in the water and pick a direction. 

I am, above all else, a father. My children are the number one priority in my life and I know that I need to do something to give them the future and the life I was never given. My children are the primary reason I'm alive today and certainly the number one motivation for finally addressing my issues. I wanted to be here for them, both physically and mentally. I make that my goal every single day. But there is more to life than just my kids. And my kids, they want to do things, to get out of the house, to play. And those things are often a struggle. I still find myself wanting to hide, to ignore, to be left alone. I know why I feel that way and sometimes I catch myself in time to adjust, but not all the time. I think about going back to work and I wonder if I can. Sometimes I miss it, having a place to go every day and something to do. My daily workouts at the gym help with that to some extent, but that costs me money, I'd like to actually make some. I wonder, given my past choices would anyone even offer me a job? Would I manage to keep it? I don't have the best record when it comes to that. 

So at this point I have no idea what direction to go or what I want to do. I shall continue to focus on my children and on my health. I shall continue to visit the gym 5 days a week and eat better so that I can feel better. And maybe, just maybe an idea will works its way into my head one of these days. 

Depression, it sucks

Depression is a lot like chronic pain, people don't know you have it unless you them. You look fine from the outside and on most days you can fake it pretty well. And then there are the days you can't. And they suck. Also, much like chronic pain, there's not a hell of a lot you can do about it. Meds can mask the symptoms but never make them go away completely. Meds will mask chronic pain but never make it go away completely. It's the gift that keeps on giving. And that right there is, for me, one of the hardest aspects of depressions to deal with. I know I have it, I know I will always have it and I know there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I don't have nearly as many bad days as I once did. I have learned how to survive with it. But it's not going away.

Depression is living in a deep, dark ocean. There are stormy days when the waves crash against the rocks in an attempt to destroy them and there are days when it's flat and calm, almost frozen. But the waves are always moving. The only way to keep afloat is to ride them. The problem is there's a giant hole in the bottom of the boat you're trying to plug with one foot while rowing with one arm and bailing the water with the other. It's exhausting simply keeping yourself from sinking. And sometimes sinking seems like such a wonderful idea. To stop the struggle and simply allow the ocean to devour you. And then the storm settles, the seas calm and the boat keeping you afloat is almost empty of water. The sun comes out for an hour or day and you think "this is nice", forgetting there's another storm brewing on the horizon.

Several years of therapy helped me live with depression. Or more accurately, to survive with it. To accept it for what it is. To surf the waves instead of floundering in them. But it's still a struggle. I hate the way it makes me feel. And I hate knowing why I feel the way I do and that there's not a thing  I can do other than ride the waves and bail the boat. It affects every aspect of my life. My sleep, my pain level, my hunger. It eviscerates my motivation and gives me the urge to bury everything under a mountain of food. Old habits die hard. It makes me want to climb in bed and ignore the world but robs me of my ability to sleep.

Healthy choices

So I've been doing fairly well with making better choices. Food, exercise, pretty much everything. Until yesterday. Road trip! Well that sucked. So I remembered everything for the kids. I remembered directions. Took take of the car, topped off the oil, got gas. You know, all that pre-trip shit you do. What I completely forgot was food. Didn't even think about it. So what do we do? Hit the drive-through of course. Not once, but twice. I feel like crap today! And swollen from all the sodium in that crap. And it didn't even taste good. I actually gained almost 5 pounds in one damn day. 5 pounds! That's a lot of water retention right there. Fell right back into those old habits. On the road, in a hurry, no time to stop, fast food. It's really more a reminder of how much I need to plan better than anything else. And just how easy it is to go back 5 steps and revisit old habits.

Speaking of habits. I've smoked in one form or another for more years than I didn't. I started smoking cigars at 18, working construction and picking up all kinds of interesting new habits. Then I started smoking cigarettes and put away a pack a day for 20 years. Tried the vape thing and that just didn't seem to do it for me so I started smoking the occasional cigar. As we all know, moderation is not something I'm capable of, so the occasional turned into the frequent and now I think I'm smoking as often as I ever did. It's time to quit this shit. Smoking is the one vice I just don't seem to be able to quit. Drugs I quit. Drinking, well, that's a once in a while thing now instead of an every day thing as it once was. I've even managed to get the eating under control. Now it's time to work on the next one. It's time to stop.

Though I'm loath to admit it, I'm getting old. 42 is next month. How much longer can I smoke before it becomes a serious issue? I feel it every morning when I wake up, that ever present reminder that I smoke. And yet I keep at it. I've seen the pictures, I've read the "literature" and heard the lectures. I've known the people who died of cancer or other smoking related issues. And yet I continue. I know why I continue, what I don't know yet is how to stop. Living with depression, nicotine has a different effect on me than many people. The addiction is actually worse.

Nicotine has been shown to have effects on anxiety and depression in both human and animal studies.These studies suggest that nicotinic acetylcholine receptors (nAChRs) can modulate the function of pathways involved in stress response, anxiety and depression in the normal brain, and that smoking can result in alterations of anxiety level and mood.(1) It's a bit like an antidepressant with some nasty effects that you get addicted to. Patients with depression tend to smoke a lot, which led to the idea that nicotine may ease depressive symptoms. Research has shown how the process works. Nicotine binds to particular receptor molecules on the surface of nerve cells in the brain, first activating the receptors, which actually increases depressive symptoms, but then when the receptors turn off, an antidepressant-like effect does seem to follow.(3)

In the UK, smoking rates among adults with depression are about twice as high as among adults without depression. People with depression have particular difficulty when they try to stop smoking and have more severe withdrawal symptoms during attempts to give up. Nicotine stimulates the release of the chemical dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is involved in triggering positive feelings. It is often found to be low in people with depression, who may then use cigarettes as a way of temporarily increasing their dopamine supply. However, smoking encourages the brain to switch off its own mechanism for making dopamine so in the long term the supply decreases, which in turn prompts people to smoke more.(4)

So here's to quitting, or losing my mind. Or both.

1. Effect of nicotine and nicotinic receptors on anxiety and depression Marina R. Picciotto,CA Darlene H. Brunzell and Barbara J. Caldarone
2. Virginia Commonwealth University. "Why nicotine in cigarettes can relieve anxiety in smokers." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 8 November 2012. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/11/121108181723.htm>.
3. Smoking and Depression: Targeting Nicotine Receptors To Relieve Depression
4. Smoking and Mental Health
5. Nicotine dependence and levels of depression and anxiety in smokers in the process of smoking cessation

Make it a priority.

Or, more accurately, make you a priority. Your health, your life, your well being. You're not much good to anyone if you don't. And certainly no good to yourself. But how do you do that? Well, here's what I did. It took several years, lots of trial and some error and a lot of persistence.

Step one: Decide to do something. Quite honestly, being obese, unhealthy and inactive is a choice. An active choice you make every single day. When you eat, what you eat, now much you eat. Taking the elevator instead of the stairs, parking as close to the entrance as you possibly can instead of walking a little. Sitting on your ass making excuses for why you can't. These are all decisions we make every day. You have to make an active decision to change. And you have to stick with that decision every single hour of every single day. It's really easy to have a pity party and think of all the excuses to not, or all the excuses to fail, give up and do nothing. But they're all bullshit. Don't think so? Go do a search on Youtube for "motivation" and take a look at some of those people. If a man can leave the military minus both legs and run a marathon you can get off your ass and go to the gym. You simply have to choose to.

Step two: Commit to it. Seriously. Stop making excuses for why you can't and start finding reasons for why you can. "Oh it's just too hard" isn't a reason, it's an excuse. Surviving obesity and multiple health issues is hard. Taking a bunch of medication every day so you don't die or lose you mind, that's hard. Not being able to walk through a store, find clothes that fit, play with your kids, drive a car, wipe your own ass, those things are hard. Doing something to be active every day may start out hard, you're not used to it. But the more you do it the easier it gets. You have to commit long enough, you can't go on a diet for two days and then say "nope, didn't work", the same applies to working out. I have many days when I feel like I've accomplished nothing and then I'll have a day when multiple strangers come up and tell me how much weight I've lost and how much I encourage them. I look back through my workout records and my weight log and I see how far I've come. I feel different, I look different, I may even act a little different. It takes time and it takes commitment. Don't give up.

Step three: Learn and grow. When I started this blog it was mostly an outlet for the crap floating around in my head. I did a blog simply because I couldn't find a program that did what I wanted the way I wanted, or it would have stayed on my computer for ever. But then I started learning things. The more I learned the more I changed and the more I wanted to write about it and share it. I hadn't really exercised sense high school and even then it was more about throwing the weight around while grunting and sweating profusely than doing anything productive. It was 1980's bro science at its worst. Form and technique? Ha! It's a wonder we didn't seriously screw ourselves up. We never learned about things like proper rest periods or rotating body parts or nutrition. I learn something new almost every day. A new technique, a new exercise, something new about myself.

Step four: Remember that one size does not fit all. While we are all essentially the same we are also quite different. What worked for your friend may not work for you. Just because someone else does it does not mean you should, or that you will have the same results. Don't let that discourage you, keep trying new things until you find what does work for you. My workout routine is constantly changing. I add things, I remove things. I change the order, the progression, the time. And I take notes. I pay attention. How tired am I after? How is my energy the next day? Do I sleep well or not? What did my weight do over the last week? Am I lifting more? My diet is the same. I'm constantly looking for new options, new recipes, new things to try. It's very easy to fall into a rut with what you eat. Sticking with what you know really limits you needlessly. Remember when your mom said "how do you know you don't like it if you don't try it"? Ya, that. And I don't mean try the newest fad diet, give up and try the next. I mean explore the web, the library, your grandmothers recipe box. Watch some of those food shows, read a magazine or 5. There are quite literally millions of recipes out there. There's probably two thousand different ways to make a hamburger. Give some of them a try. Did you know they make edamame pasta?

And that's as far as I've made it. Step 5 is in progress. I really don't know at this point, other than to keep doing steps 1 through 4, every single day. I know there is no magic answer, no simple solution. Sure, you can go with the "eat less, move more" mantra, and it's a good one. To a point. But to eat less, or more appropriately to eat better, requires a plan. It requires effort. It requires commitment and, most importantly, it requires that you make a choice every single day. Many times a day. It's a lot like being an addict. As an addict you make the choice every single day to not use or to use. You make a choice every single day to be healthy or to not. To work towards your goal or to not. To make good choices, or to not. When you shop, when you eat, when you cook, choices. If you've made the commitment to yourself to make yourself a priority and you've found the strength to stick with it, those choices become easier every day. Eventually those choices become habits and after a while you simply can't imagine going back to how things used to be. You create a new normal for yourself.