"..escaping into a cloud of numbness." I came across this line reading a book the other night and it struck me as so descriptive of what most of my life has been. A cloud of numbness. An all consuming, inescapable, world swallowing cloud.

It's funny to me now, the idea that so many people drink or consume one drug or another to become numb when I've worked so hard to do the exact opposite. Just as with smoking, I would never willingly go back to the way things have been for so long.

Another line from the same book "...If you let restlessness move you, you lose touch with who you are." Of course that same chapter went on to discuss something I only recently figured out. You can move a thousand times in search of something better but if you don't change yourself nothing else will change. I think I lost touch with who I am at some point. A human, just like a plant, can not thrive without growing roots. I've never had roots. They kept getting yanked up.

So, while I may yet get a chance to grow physical roots, I have been watering the plant within and growing roots of some kind. Or at least becoming more grounded and attached to self.