If you are not happy and comfortable with the inner you can you do anything about the outer you? If you are sad, depressed, stressed out and generally miserable how can you alter the outer image? I don't think you can.

However, conversely, if you change the way you feel inside the outside seems to follow. I no longer have the urge to shove food in my mouth in the hopes of filling some bottomless void that can never be filled. Not by food anyway. I no longer feel detached and uncaring when I eat.

I suppose there are alternatives. One could take the surgical route. That seems to work fabulously for some people. At least on the outside. But have they addressed the issues inside. I didn't, for most of my life, I ignored them. I thought successfully. Until one day they all came out at once and almost killed me.

So it's been a three year battle out of a deep, dark place I lived for many many years. A vile, horrid place full of self pity, depression, loathing, it was a swamp of the worst possible kind. Full of quicksand and poisonous creatures waiting to strike. The only antidote at the time seemed to be food. So I fed them. I fed them mentally, emotionally and physically. And I grew in size as the monsters in the swamp grew in size. Eventually they turned on me and tried to eat me. They failed. But they did manage to take a couple large bites.

So here I am, after three years of work on me. With the help of some fabulous drugs and therapy, I feel better inside. I don't feel perfect, far from it. But I feel better. I no longer have the urge to paint a wall with the contents of my cranium. I still have issues that I am working on but I recognize them for what they are. They don't control me, I control them.

So then, what is my point you may ask? It is this; while working on the inside I have found that the outside follows. I feel better, I feel like doing things, I don't have the urge to constantly eat. I actually feel full and satisfied when I eat. I sleep better. I wake up at a decent time. I am starting to enjoy life again. I feel as if I'm rediscovering me. The me that once was, however briefly.

I have learned skills that many people learn at a young age. I did not. I don't blame my parents, they didn't know any better and they tried the best they knew how. But my childhood caused me much grief and set me down a long and dark path with no light at the end. It was a path to a vast swamp of misery and self loathing where I got trapped for many many years. When you're trapped in such a place you truly don't care about what is happening to the shell trapping your consciousness. In fact, I think the opposite is true, you try and destroy that shell as a means to escape the trap of the swamp.

But I am out of the swamp now. I am still in the marsh, but I found a trail that will eventually lead to a road that should lead to a highway. There will be many potholes and perhaps a traffic jamb or two, but no more quicksand or swamp creatures snapping at my feet.