Tuesday, August 30, 2011
@%#%*$(&^(@^(@_^#_&#($^&^
Trying to figure things out after having such a life altering moment of clarity is proving to be quite exhausting. I know where I've been and now understand how I got there. I'm trying to figure out where I want to be and how to get there. And at this point, I have absolutely no idea.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Depression sucks
By that I mean actual, real, clinical depression. When your brain just isn't wired right. Everyone has bad days, days when they feel down, sad, tired. But those people can usually change that. Dealing with depression is entirely different. My brain just doesn't work like other peoples.
On the plus side, at this point in life, those bad days are not nearly as frequent as they once were. I now am able to recognize them for what they are and know that it will eventually go away. Even the bad days aren't as bad as they use to be. But they still suck. The feeling of blah, of no energy, of not wanting to do anything and not caring that I don't want to do anything. I hate feeling like that. And it is so uncontrollable. So overpowering.
Sometimes it's hard to believe that I have spent the most part of my life feeling like that every day. Thinking that is was just the way things where going to be for me. No light at the end of the tunnel, no hope for the future. No feeling of anything positive. Thankfully that has change. I now see the light, and it is bright. But I suppose every once in a while I need a bad day to remind me of what I have accomplished and how far I've come, how much I've changed. I just wish they would go away completely.
Sadly, I don't think that will ever happen. What ever it is that goes on in my brain, whatever wires are crossed, or shorted out, or missing all together can never be fully repaired. They can be bypassed for a while. But every once in a while, that connection gets reestablished and things go hinky for a bit. It sucks.
On the plus side, at this point in life, those bad days are not nearly as frequent as they once were. I now am able to recognize them for what they are and know that it will eventually go away. Even the bad days aren't as bad as they use to be. But they still suck. The feeling of blah, of no energy, of not wanting to do anything and not caring that I don't want to do anything. I hate feeling like that. And it is so uncontrollable. So overpowering.
Sometimes it's hard to believe that I have spent the most part of my life feeling like that every day. Thinking that is was just the way things where going to be for me. No light at the end of the tunnel, no hope for the future. No feeling of anything positive. Thankfully that has change. I now see the light, and it is bright. But I suppose every once in a while I need a bad day to remind me of what I have accomplished and how far I've come, how much I've changed. I just wish they would go away completely.
Sadly, I don't think that will ever happen. What ever it is that goes on in my brain, whatever wires are crossed, or shorted out, or missing all together can never be fully repaired. They can be bypassed for a while. But every once in a while, that connection gets reestablished and things go hinky for a bit. It sucks.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
An awakening
That's what it feels like. Like I've woken from a 3 decade coma. I can almost pinpoint the exact moment it happened. It was like everything was sucked rapidly into a vacuum and then.........BOOM. I'm glad I was sitting when it happened or I may well have found myself on the floor.
It's like I've been reading my life from a book written in a language I don't understand and someone finally gave me a translated copy. U finally understand so many things. I see so much clearer now. About the past, about the present and even, to some extent, the future.
For the first time in, well, I think ever, I am waking up in the morning and not thinking, crap, I woke up. Instead I'm thinking, today will be a good day. I've thought for a while that I was getting better, I suddenly realize all I was doing was maintaining. Now I'm getting better.
It's like I've been reading my life from a book written in a language I don't understand and someone finally gave me a translated copy. U finally understand so many things. I see so much clearer now. About the past, about the present and even, to some extent, the future.
For the first time in, well, I think ever, I am waking up in the morning and not thinking, crap, I woke up. Instead I'm thinking, today will be a good day. I've thought for a while that I was getting better, I suddenly realize all I was doing was maintaining. Now I'm getting better.
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