Sunday, October 25, 2015

What to eat?

I hate that question. If I had money it's not a new car I would buy but a personal chef I would hire. I struggle every day trying to decide what to make for meals, what to have for snacks, how to keep it healthy and most importantly, affordable. Oh, and everyone has to like it too. It's a never ending struggle. I completely understand why so many Americans eat out of the frozen food section. Just grab a bunch of boxes and toss em in the microwave when it's chow time. Unfortunately that's neither healthy nor affordable. Mostly it's not healthy. I'm trying to eat as "clean" as possible. You don't get that out of a box. At its simplest, clean eating is about eating whole foods, or "real" foods — those that are un- or minimally processed, refined, and handled, making them as close to their natural form as possible. It means eating produce, fresh veggies, home cooked food, not crap out of a box or a drive-through. It means shopping, planning, prepping and cooking. It's a pain in the ass!

As with everything health related you can find a million and five contradicting opinions about what you should eat. Many of those opinions are simply trying to sell you something and can immediately be tossed aside. Quite a few others are based in absolute bullshit with zero science to back them up. Like the "paleo" diet for example. "Eat like the caveman did!" Really? So I should eat raw meat I clubbed to death? You know, those cave people didn't exactly have the longest life spans for all that "clean eating" they did. You can find thousands of books and even more web pages telling you what you should and shouldn't eat. They'll give you long lists of all the "bad" stuff to avoid. And of course everything you eat simply must be "organic" and "free range", or "cage free" or some other nonsense. Hey, if that makes you happy, go fo it. But at least make sure you understand what "organic" actually is. Anyway, with all the opinions, books and what not available, actually finding realistic, affordable meal idea can be a struggle. If you have hundreds of dollars to fill your kitchen with this and that, then cool for you, most people don't. If you can spend hours in the kitchen uninterrupted while you prep, even better. I have kids. So, I have to find ideas that are affordable, palatable, relatively quick to prep and healthy. And I have to get a 2 year old with irritable bowels to eat them and an 8 year old who has, somehow, become very finicky, to eat them as well. So what ends up happening is we get in a months long rut of eating the same stuff over and over again. Takes the guesswork out of shopping, just get the same things we always get. But it gets old after a while. And then I find we tend to go out or order something, or buy crap. And the cycle starts all over again.

I've developed some pretty bad eating habits over the years, as well as some particular tastes. There are some things I simply can't eat and a few I just won't. In my searches for new, interesting and healthy recipes I come across all types of food. Some of it sounds good, much of it does not. For instance, here's lentil tamarind barbecue burgers with chickpea fries.

That looks like a hockey puck on a dry muffin! Here's the recipe if you're interested:

1 1/2 cups cups dry brown lentils (or 2 cans cooked lentils)
4 1/2 cups water
1 tablespoon olive oil
3/4 cup chopped white or yellow onion
6 ounces thinly sliced shiitake mushrooms (about 2 heaping cups)
1/2 cup sun dried tomatoes, hydrated in hot water for at least 10 minutes and finely chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon smoked paprika
1 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
3/4 cup raw walnuts
1/2 cup rolled oats
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup breadcrumbs
Black pepper

The rest of the recipe can be found HERE:

Is it healthy? Sure. Would my kids eat it? Ummmmm, no. I'm not even sure I'd eat it. And this is the problem I run into time and time again. Hey, I'd eat that. Kids? No. Wife? Probably not. Or it goes the other way. I did stumble upon one recipe that I think would cover all the bases, but it's a side, not a meal. It's Sweet and Spicy Sweet Potato Fries. Maybe not the spicy for the rest of the family, but they sure look good.

INGREDIENTS
2 medium sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into fries
2 tsp. cornstarch
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. onion powder
1/2 tsp. oregano
1/2 tsp. chipotle chili powder
1 Tbsp brown sugar
Sea salt

INSTRUCTIONS
  • Once your sweet potatoes are peeled and cut into fries, place them in a large bowl and soak them in cold water for about an hour.
  • Preheat oven to 450 degrees F and line two baking sheets with foil sprayed with non-stick cooking spray, set aside. Drain sweet potatoes, pat dry and add to a large plastic sealable bag. Add in cornstarch and shake until sweet potatoes are lightly dusted making sure there are no clumps.
  • Transfer sweet potatoes to a large bowl and drizzle with olive oil, tossing well. In a separate smaller bowl, whisk together garlic powder, onion powder, oregano, chipotle chili powder and brown sugar and slowly sprinkle over the sweet potatoes making sure to coat entirely.
  • Spread sweet potatoes into a single layer on both baking sheets, making sure they aren't touching each other, and bake for 15 minutes. Using a spatula toss sweet potatoes around on the sheet and spread back out into a single layer. Bake an additional 15 minutes until golden brown.
  • Pull fries out of the oven and sprinkle (liberally) with sea salt and enjoy!
NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION
Calories: 105 • Fat: 3.3 g • Carbs: 16.5 g • Fiber: 1.7 g • Protein: 0.8 g • WW Points+: 3 pts

The struggle to "eat clean" is a real one. Eating dirty is easy. And it tastes good. And it's fast. However, I am rediscovering my crock pots. That does help. And there are a ton of recipes for slow cookers. Everything from pasta sauce to chicken. 

Here are few resources for recipes:
There are, of course, many many more. Simply Google "Healthy Slow Cooker Recipes" and you'll find thousands of sources. Some are good, some are great, some kind of suck. Depends on what you're looking for. Me, I'm sitting here trying to come up with a shopping list and some semblance of a menu for the next two weeks. I'm pretty sure those sweet potato fries on going to be on it. Other than, I just don't know yet. 

Thursday, October 22, 2015

The scale

What an evil device you are. You can so easily demoralize a person. Without a thought nor care to what you do with that number on your display. It matters not if you're digital or analog, big or small, in the bathroom or the kitchen, once you're stepped on you can crush the spirit of any mere mortal standing atop you. If we let you. Or you can be rather fascinating. I suppose it depends entirely on the person, or the perception. Personally I've never spent much time worrying about you. Hmm, maybe that's how I got so damn heavy. But I digress.

Doing this 30 day challenge I have been weighing myself every day. Not something I generally do or advocate. Especially if you're building muscle. It can cause a bit of confusion and frustration. When your pants are suddenly falling off but the scale isn't moving, it makes you wonder. But for the last couple weeks I've been stepping on it every day. I do it at the same time, in the same place, with roughly the same clothing on. It's been fascinating. To see the effect of different daily routines shown on the scale has been enlightening. I can gain or lose several pounds depending on how much water I consume that day. I don't consider a number my actual weight until it averages out over 3 or more days. Simply because it fluctuates so much. If you stressed about that it could make you bonkers. And make you give up. But there seems to be evidence showing that weighing yourself daily can lead to successful and long term weight loss. Or a padded room with nice nurses and good drugs.

According to results from the National Weight Control Registry, the largest study of successful dieters, some 36% of dieters reported weighing themselves once a day.

There are many different opinions on this subject, though many of the opinions lack any data to back them up. It's simply conjecture and anecdotes. Jillian Michaels says "I recommend that people weigh themselves once a week, at the same time every week. Weighing yourself every day can have a negative impact on you."  and dedicates an entire page to her opinion. I suppose there's probably some truth to it, if you let there be. As she and others say, and I've noticed, your weight can fluctuate throughout the day, or even over a couple days. There are quite a few variables to take into account. Water consumption, sodium intake, exercise, sleep, hormones. They all affect your weight. Even what time I eat breakfast can change the number I see. 


"Long-term weight loss maintenance" by Rena R Wing and Suzanne Phelan and published in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition provides some fascinating incite into what makes long term weight loss possible. This is the study that investigated the daily weighing. The abstract says the following:

There is a general perception that almost no one succeeds in long-term maintenance of weight loss. However, research has shown that ≈20% of overweight individuals are successful at long-term weight loss when defined as losing at least 10% of initial body weight and maintaining the loss for at least 1 y. The National Weight Control Registry provides information about the strategies used by successful weight loss maintainers to achieve and maintain long-term weight loss. National Weight Control Registry members have lost an average of 33 kg and maintained the loss for more than 5 y. To maintain their weight loss, members report engaging in high levels of physical activity (≈1 h/d), eating a low-calorie, low-fat diet, eating breakfast regularly, self-monitoring weight, and maintaining a consistent eating pattern across weekdays and weekends. Moreover, weight loss maintenance may get easier over time; after individuals have successfully maintained their weight loss for 2–5 y, the chance of longer-term success greatly increases. Continued adherence to diet and exercise strategies, low levels of depression and disinhibition, and medical triggers for weight loss are also associated with long-term success. National Weight Control Registry members provide evidence that long-term weight loss maintenance is possible and help identify the specific approaches associated with long-term success.

In the "Discussion" section of this article you will find this little nugget:

A significant finding from this study was that maintaining or increasing self-weighing frequency from baseline to 1-year follow-up was associated with less weight regain. Consistent and more intensive self-weighing may allow individuals to catch weight gains before they escalate and make behavior changes to prevent additional weight gain. In previous research, we found that recovery from weight regain was rare but possible if individuals caught the weight gains early, reversing small (as opposed to larger) weight gains. Consistent self-weighing may facilitate weight control by enabling individuals to catch and reverse small weight gains. Alternatively, it is possible that individuals who are gaining weight decrease their frequency of self-weighing because they find doing so distressing or because they do not perceive it as a helpful weight control behavior.

If you're interested, you can actually join the National Weight Control Registry and read their research HERE

What I find myself wondering is if the daily weighing is as important as all the other contributing factors. A daily breakfast, less eating out, more exercise. We all know these things lead to weight loss. A consistent eating pattern, less calorie consumption? You mean eat less and move more? I'm shocked they lost weight and kept it off. Shocked I tell you! Lowering depression makes you eat less and lose weight? So really, how much of the success can be directly and linked to the daily weighing? I don't think we can know that for sure, but it doesn't seem to hurt. 

One thing I did find worth noting is that most of the studies quoted in various articles, though completed by different people in different nations, all seem to use the same data from the National Weight Control Registry. And considering the fact that the data collected is all self reported by participants, there is a significant possibility for error. But it is certainly worth thinking about. The question to ask yourself is, can you handle the daily fluctuations? If yes, then it may be useful for you. If it's going to discourage you and leave you crying on the bathroom floor then perhaps every few days or once a week would be better. Just don't toss it in the trash bin and say fuck it like I did for years. You won't like how that ends. Or perhaps begins. Not sure on that one. Either way it's pretty shocking when you step on a scale after several years and it screams in protest. When you have to special order a shipping scale that goes high enough to register your weight. When I first started to gain a lot of weight I would stop occasionally on the roadside truck scales, take the weight with me and my car and then step off. You don't want to need to do that. 

Sources:
Long-term weight loss maintenance

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

A nibble here, a nibble there, here a nibble there a nibble........

Being an antisocial stay at home dad has its benefits. It also has its difficulties. Especially when you're a food addict with a life long weight issue. It's too easy to graze. It's easy to justify too. "Oh, I'll just have a bight". And then another and another. I nibble when I'm bored, I nibble when I cook (you have to TASTE!). It's a problem. One I struggle with almost every day. If I stay busy it's not as bad, but staying busy doesn't always happen. I try to get up and do things as much as possible, but some days.... I've been making sure to eat actual meals lately. That seems to help a lot. Just not being hungry seems to curb the desire to nibble. Most of the time. And we no longer keep much in the house that is easily nibbed. No crackers, no "snacks", no chips. For the most part if I want to nibble it's cheese or carrots or I cook something. Just so long as I stay out of the convenience stores.

Though lately even that isn't as much of an issue as it used to be. Maybe it's the eating better or the wanting to actually feel and look better, but most of the crap food just doesn't sound good anymore. I actually walked past the donuts and didn't want one. Well, I did for about half a second, but then I thought about just how many calories are in one and the fact that I really can't eat just one. I thought about how the scale has been going down lately and how I want to keep seeing it go down. I thought about the future and what I want to do and what I want to look like, and suddenly that donut didn't seem at all appetizing. I bought peanuts instead. And I enjoyed the hell out of those peanuts. And I enjoyed not feeling bad about myself after eating the peanuts. Guilt is kind of pointless in my opinion, but that doesn't stop the feelings after stuffing a giant donut in my face. It tends to trigger that "I'm a fucking failure" thought train. So I'm working on figuring out my cues and changing the cravings they trigger.

One of the pleasant things about the way I'm eating these days is that I don't feel deprived. It doesn't feel like a punishment and a constant struggle. It's simply eating better food and making better choices. Even when I nibble, it's on better things than it once was. I try to find things I know are going to satisfy yet also fill. That's the problem with me and a bag of chips. 5 just don't fill that void. A bag certainly does. I can't stop at 5 chips. I can stop at 5 carrots. Or one piece of string cheese. Or an egg. Adjusting my eating habits is a constant. It takes a lot of reminding, of thinking about the why. But it gets easier every day. I just wish there was a larger variety of healthy nibbles that I like.

Oddly enough, I have a harder time with peanut butter than I do with things like ice cream or donuts. Peanut butter is my nemesis. I could, if I allowed myself, consume an entire jar of extra crunchy Jiff with nothing but a spoon. Peanut butter is one of those evil foods that I just can't seem to have a little bit of. The wife has to hide it from me. I can't buy it. And if I see it, I eat it. My worst time is evening. After the kids are in bed, the house is quiet and it's just me and the dogs. I get the munchies. I know it's partially because we usually eat dinner around 6 and I don't go to bed until 10 or later. It's also that it's my quiet time and I'm not doing much. It's so easy to grab something to nibble while sitting at the computer. I can't eat a very large portion at once, so dinner sometimes doesn't last me all that long and by 9 or so I'm actually hungry again. That's when I go searching for the peanut butter. Just one small taste of course, that's all I want. OK, maybe half a jar. D'oH!! Damn you peanut butter!

More cardio, that's the answer. Sure, that'll do it. I hate cardio!

Monday, October 19, 2015

What next?

Sameness is the mother of disgust, variety the cure.
~Francesco Petrarch

I have a few goals in mind. A general idea of what weight I would like to be, what size. Sort of. The question is, how do I get there? There are more opinions on this than a person could read in a lifetime. It can get a bit overwhelming if you let it. The truth though is pretty simple, caloric deficit and muscle hypertrophy. And drinking plenty of water. It's not terribly complicated at it's root. But some days it sure feels it. Information overload, opinion overload, this diet, that diet, new and interesting exercise routines, new equipment, new........ Faster, better, easier.... Oh just stop it! Sometimes it gets to be too much. Having said that.

I am always looking for new ways to do things. New methods, new ways of exercising a given muscle. They may not be "new" ways, but they're new to me and new means different. Because variety keeps me from getting bored. It's why I don't do a lot on the treadmill or any of the other cardio machines. I get bored, my mind wanders and concentration follows it. Motivation is running to catch up, and I'm done. I occasionally face the same issue in the weight room, so I change what I do. Did you know there's about 101 different ways to target any muscle or muscle group? I think it's the one plus to come out of so many years of "the newest cool tool". We now have dumbbells, barbells, bands, machines, ropes, free weights and fixed weights and..... The great thing about lifting weights is that there are very few rules. Leave your ego at the door, mind your form and don't be a douche. That about covers it. There's plenty of personal preference and people who will tell you that their way is the best way, but no law saying you have to listen to them. And that's a good thing. 

I plan my workouts for the week, usually on Sunday, and write them in my book so I know what I'm doing on any given day. That way there's no wandering around the gym trying to remember what I did a day or two ago and what I'm going to do today. I know before I walk in the door. It also allows me the ability to rotate not only what days I do specific muscle groups on, but what exercises I do. There are an easy 25 different exercises that target biceps. If you do the same one every time not only do you get bored silly, your body adjusts to it and you don't get as good of a result. So one week I'll do barbell curls, the next I'll do dumbbell curls. Or I'll use the preacher curl machine instead of the bench. Or I'll do cable curls instead. I also change the number of reps I do and sometimes even the number of sets. Keeps it more interesting. Sometimes I use all machines, other times I use all free weights. A lot of days I do both. The only thing I'm stuck in a rut with are my legs. There's not a lot of variety that I'm capable of doing yet. But I'm fixing that. 

Legs are that one part of your body that can get boring. Squats, deadlifts, more squats. Calf raises, lunges, calf raises........ I have a love/hate relationship with leg day. It's my strongest body part, but I'm sick of doing the same old same every week with them. I still can't squat very well. The knees just don't want to do it. Squatting low enough to do it properly can result in a one way trip to the floor. And that just hurts. But I'm getting closer. Thankfully there are options. Several of them. Though again, there are some who insist the only thing worth doing is a squat. Maybe they're just stuck in a rut, or afraid of change. I don't know. I know what has worked for me. And that, in my opinion, is the key to success in the gym. Find what works for you. You don't have to do what others do, you don't have to follow any specific routine. Pick some exercises, get the form down and have at it. Just remember, form does matter. If you're doing it wrong you may as well not be doing it. 

Now, what to do next week. And the next. And the next. 

Saturday, October 17, 2015

174

That is how many pounds I've lost since I started keeping track of my weight. I'm not entirely sure what I weighed at my heaviest other than it was close to 600. I remember seeing 598 on the scale at one point, but I didn't step back on it for months after that. My first recorded weight was 589, my weight today is 415. 174 pounds gone. I have to remind myself of this often, it keeps me motivated. One of the true struggles for me, or probably for anyone that got to that size, is that it takes a big drop in weight to really notice a difference. Especially when your brain is constantly trying to convince you to give up. When an average sized person loses 10 pounds it's usually pretty obvious, when a fat person loses 20 pounds you barely notice. Just look at the average weight loss commercial. "I lost 15 pounds and look totally different!". Screw...I mean good for you. I lost 100 pounds and no one really noticed. Now I've lost 174 and I still have a hard time seeing the difference. I feel it, but I still don't really see it. I suppose there's probably some fancy physcology word for that. I just know it's true and it sucks. Makes staying motivated difficult at times. Until I really think about it.

I've lost an average size person. I realized that today. I spent years existing with an average sized person on my shoulders. And I'm still packing around one more. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that sometimes. I lost an entire person. I'm not saying this to boast or brag, I'm saying this because I find it rather shocking. At 415 pounds I still need to lose a lot more to be "healthy", and to be happy, but I've already stepped out from under an entire person. Do you know how hard it is to simply function when you're packing around an entire person? To just do the basic necessities of living?

One of the biggest struggles for me over the years was that getting fatter and fatter kind of snuck up on me. This had a lot to do with depression, stress and just being lazy, among many other things, but it was gradual. It's not like I woke up one day and there was suddenly 175 pounds hanging around my  neck. It was a slow but steady process. A pound at a time. So I had time to adjust. To adjust and to ignore. Or justify. Or whatever it was I did for so many years. I honestly don't remember when I became truly obese. I can't pinpoint one particular day or month or year it happened. I do remember sometime around 2006 when I watched video of myself and honestly didn't recognize the person. It was a bit shocking to see this morbidly obese person crammed in a shirt that was two sizes too small waddle around the deck of a boat. I knew it was me, but I couldn't admit it was me. I didn't really look like that. It was the camera angle, it was the television, it was anything other than the truth. I have no idea what I weighed at that point, I hadn't been on a scale in years. I'm not sure when I hit 400 pounds the first time. It was a long time ago. I'm sure I was over that in the video. I avoided cameras for years, so there's not a lot of evidence to look back on. And unfortunately I can't find a link to that particular video.

Getting fat was easy. Our culture makes it easy. When I was younger I had a lot of jobs and hobbies that required energy. I would ride my bike 5 miles to work, push a lawn mower all day and then ride 5 miles home. And I still had energy. I would toss bails of hay around all day for fun. I was offered several jobs over the years because they knew I could lift, carry and move objects that most others couldn't. And I could do it all day long. And then the depression snuck in and I stopped working so much, yet I kept eating the same. I got fat. I got tired. I got more depressed. I ate more to deal with the depression and exert some level of control over my chaotic life. Instant loop. But think about just how easy it is. Don't want to cook? Order pizza. Straight to your door in well under an hour. Drive through and have instant food. Never mind the fact that the burger you just inhaled had 3500 calories in it. It was fast, cheap and easy. I was in a sporting goods store recently. It's a two story store specializing in athletic equipment. I couldn't find the stairway to the second floor but the escalators are right there and so are the elevators. Ponder that for a moment. A store that specializes in athletic equipment has two escalators instead of a stairway.

And it goes far deeper than that. We don't teach people how to cook anymore. And buying real food, that gets expensive. The processed, boxed, instant just add water crap is cheap. Sugar, chemicals, preservatives and mystery ingredients in a box, 5 for a dollar. Fresh fruit? Pardon me while I take out a small loan. But seriously, how many people really know how to cook anymore? How many of the recent generations have grown up on microwave dinners and takeout?  I know how to cook and I still find it challenging at times. The menu prep, the shopping, the thinking about what to make. It's so much easier to sit down with a menu and let someone else make it. Until you start to really think about it. What could you buy for the same price as that pizza? And how much better for you would it be?

When you finally realize how fat you've become and choose to do something about it, it's interesting to not only pay attention to how much you eat, but what you eat. While a calorie is a calorie on the surface, there's a bit more to it than that. The burgers and fries on the top of this photo, for about $20, has more calories and sodium in two burgers than pretty much everything in the bottom half. According to Burger King's website one whopper has 650 calories, 37 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of transfat, 910 mg of sodium and 60 mg of cholesterol. A medium order of fries has 410 calories and 570 mg of sodium. The American Heart Association recommends that Americans consume less than 1,500 mg/day sodium, which is the level with the greatest effect on blood pressure. There's 1,480 mg of sodium in one burger and a medium order of fries. I wonder what the sodium content is of every item in the lower photo? True, you have to cook, but you can do a lot with those ingredients. And it will go much further than a quick stop at Burger King. And fill your belly longer too.

Looking back I can somewhat pinpoint when my weight started to increase. I was living alone, didn't have a lot of room to cook or store food, was going to school full time and it was just easier to stop at the deli and buy food. Or hit McDonald's on the way home. Then go home and sit on my ass and watch television while doing homework. That was when the depression started to get really bad. I was (and still am) a "loner". I had no social life, no family around at the time, no hobbies and no active job. I slept and went to school and drank and ate. That was my day. Wake up, hit the convenience store for a pack of smokes, coffee and whatever passed for food in their hot box, off to school, hit the store at the bottom of the hill for lunch, the same for dinner. Then I'd go back to my little travel trailer I called home, do whatever homework I had to do and then go someplace and drink. Over the next few years that was my routine. The location changed but the habits didn't. And then I started working on boats. Pretty much all the food you can eat, limited exercise and no place to go. You can't cook your own food, or have anyplace to keep it, you eat what's in front of you or you don't eat. And you eat fast because you have other things to do. You don't think about the caloric content of what you're shoveling in, you just eat it. And you do that for several years. Until suddenly you're not. But the habits don't go away. And then you step on the scale and see 600 pounds. It sometimes seems like it just suddenly happened, but it really took the better part of 20 years. 20 years of bad habits, bad food and poor exercise.  But it was so easy. Easy not to think about it, easy not to cook, easy not to care.

Back when I travelled a lot I was always taken aback by the moving sidewalks in airports and the fact that people simply stepped on them and didn't move until they got to the other end. That really wasn't their intended function, they're supposed to speed you up while walking, but it's easy to just stand there and let the floor carry you along. I was often surprised by the type of people I would see getting rides on the electric carts from gate to gate. Not because they had to hurry, they simply didn't want to walk. I've seen people drive two blocks to the store to get beer and chips. Two blocks! How easy we've made life for ourselves. You don't even need to leave your house anymore if you have internet access. You can pay your bills, shop, talk to friends, all without stepping foot out your door. We put a fast food joint on every corner and encourage you to drive instead of walk. And then we wonder why our society is so fat. We wonder why and how we gained that 5, 25, 200 pounds. It's easy.

It's been a three year battle to drop that average person. It took close to twenty to put it on. So all things considered I suppose I can't complain. I put pants on the other day that barely fit when I bought them almost 10 years ago, not they're loose. So there's that. I found an old belt that I haven't had on in about the same amount of time, it fits now. I've had to change the way I think about food. It's no longer a reward or something I use to satisfy other aspects of my life. I think about what I eat now. Not only what I'm eating, but how much of it. Sure, I still have junk on occasion, but it's one donut instead of a dozen. I haven't eaten an entire pizza by myself in a couple years. I try to take the stairs instead of the elevator and I get up more. Basically I do the opposite of what I did for years. I'm still trying to like vegetables, the struggle is real with that one.

I wish it was as easy for us to stay healthy as it is for us to get fat. What if, instead of a McDonald's on every corner there was a produce stand? What if we put stores closer together so we could walk instead of being forced to drive? Or if we made bicycling more viable (and safer)? How about community gardens instead of corner convenience stores? Or if we rearranged grocery stores so the fresh produce was more prominent than the bags of chips and candy bars. Or what if instead of making sure kids memorize the Pythagorean Theorem we made sure every graduating student knew at least 5 healthy recipes and how to make them? What if, instead of stigmatizing the obese, instead of ridiculing them and making them the punchline in a joke, we actually worked as a society to help them? Does an airport really need a moving sidewalk? Does a sporting goods store actually need escalators? Can we get salad delivery instead of "freaky fast" sandwiches filled with processed meat? Maybe a gym membership should be cheaper than Netflix.









Friday, October 16, 2015

It's a matter of perspective


Ever notice that? Diet and exercise have such negative connotations. What is the first thing you think of when hearing or reading the word diet? Being hungry. Eating boring food. Rice cakes (those are actually really bad for you) and rabbit food. You probably don't think about grilled chicken covered in a light garlic cream sauce, steamed vegetables and brown rice. When we think of "exercise" it's that hour on the treadmill or that step class you hate, not taking the kids to the park and playing with them. Why are athletes successful? Perspective. Eating right and training isn't a punishment to them, it's a choice. I now look at it as an investment in my future. It's no longer something I'm forced to do, it's something I want to do. It makes me feel better. It makes me happy. And that makes it easier. If you hate it, if you go into it with a negative mindset, you won't keep doing it. Athletes WANT to succeed. That's why they train. That's why they eat. One is kind of useless without the other. Change your perspective and you can change life.

Habits

It is easier to prevent bad habits than to break them.
~Benjamin Franklin

We all have them. Some good, many bad. We form them from birth. Using a toilet instead of the floor is a habit. Chewing your nails is another. Brushing your teeth and bathing every day is yet another. Many of our habits are so routine we no longer think about them. When you get in your car and put on your seatbelt without a seconds thought, that's a habit. When you sit at your desk and munch on junk food, that's another. Not all habits are bad, but the bad ones seem often to be the easiest to form and the hardest to stop. Ever smoke? Ever try to quit? 

Your life today is essentially the sum of your habits.

How in shape or out of shape you are? A result of your habits.

How happy or unhappy you are? A result of your habits.

How successful or unsuccessful you are? A result of your habits.
~James Clear

Have you ever just stopped and wondered why you do the things you do? What caused you to make that choice or commit to that action? What instigated that particular response? It's usually habit. Why do we eat what we eat? Habit. Why do we get up when we do, do the things we do every day? Habit. Pay attention to how you get dressed, or how you shower, or how and what you cook. It's all habits. Habits we rarely choose to change. Change is frightening. If I take a different route to work what could possibly happen? I could be late, I know how long this route takes me. I could get lost and then be late. Or I could discover something new and exciting. Humans like routines. We learn them from a very young age and tend to stick with them until we die. Unfortunately some of those ingrained routines bring about our demise much sooner than we expect. So how do we change them? How do we replace a bad habit with a good one? 

Psychologists define a habit as learned actions that are triggered automatically when we encounter the situation in which we’ve repeatedly done those actions. The human brain is constantly striving for more efficiency. It is, after all, working from the moment we're born to the moment we die. It's responsible for everything we do, from breathing to defecating. We don't think about it when we breath, or when we blink. In fact, we don't consciously think about many of the things we do every day. They're habits. Our mind makes them such so it can be busy doing other things. What are you thinking about when you drive? Not the actual act of driving. What are you thinking about when you eat? Not the act of eating. Not usually. And that is the crux of the problem right there. When we learn a new habit we start to do it without thinking about it. When you're a smoker you don't think about the fact that every time you go outside you put a cigarette in your mouth. Or when you drive you do the same. It's not until you become purposefully aware of your actions that you begin to change them. The same is true of everything we do. 

Every habit you have — good or bad — follows the same 3–step pattern.
  1. Cue (the trigger that initiates the behavior)
  2. Routine (the behavior itself; the action you take)
  3. Reward (the benefit you gain from doing the behavior)
If you want to change the habit, change one of those three things. If hunger is the cue and the routine is fast food, what's the reward? A full belly in a hurry and little initial expense? What comes after the initial reward though? Can you get the same reward with a different routine? Probably. Is it easy? No! The key is to think past the initial reward. It's a birthday party, that's the cue. Eating the cake is the routine. Having a belly full of cake and that initial sugar rush is the reward. But what comes after that for many of us? Another slice of cake. Because we want that instant reward again. And again. Especially those of us with addictive personalities. Is there anything wrong with having one piece of cake at a birthday party? No. Is there something wrong with having three? You tell me. How do you feel an hour later? Good habits have long lasting, positive rewards. The problem is that often those rewards aren't immediate. Many bad habits provide instant, if fleeting, gratification. With often long term consequences. We like instant gratification don't we? But how often do we actually think, really think, about the long term consequences for that instant gratification?

The simplest way to form a new habit is to create a new cue. That's how we teach animals and children, that's how we can teach ourselves. Cues are simply reminders. A good reminder does not rely on motivation or memory or habit, it simply cues you to do something. I pack my gym bag every evening and leave my notebook on my desk with my phone and my pills on it. Every morning I see my gym bag waiting for me and it reminds me to go to the gym. Every morning I see the log book and it reminds me of what I am doing at the gym and just how far I've come. Going to the gym is now a habit. One I enjoy. 


But first you need a motivation to change a given habit. And that brings us back to the long term consequences versus the initial reward. Drinking is fun, it helps us relax, it makes us the life of the party (or so we think). We aren't thinking about the hangover the next day while hanging out at the club with friends. We aren't thinking about what we're doing to our liver, or what could happen if we make poor life choices while inebriated. How many people took that first drink on Friday night knowing they'd be driving drunk later and killing someone? Or waking up in the drunk tank? Or with some random person? Or not waking up at all? But that didn't stop them from ordering their favorite drink the instant they stepped in the door, because that's the cue. It's not until you stop and think about the consequences that you become motivated to change. And some people it takes even more than that. I had to hit 600 pounds and lose my mind. It wasn't until personal hygiene became a very real issue and I could no longer fit in a car that I finally decided to make a change. Now, I will say that finding motivation to do ANYTHING is far more difficult when you live with depression. Getting out of bed can be a struggle. But it is possible. Especially when you start to form better habits. 

Bad habits interrupt your life and prevent you from accomplishing your goals. They jeopardize your health — both mentally and physically. And they waste your time and energy.
~James Clear

In order to change a habit you must first understand what made it a habit to begin with. This can be really damn hard and time consuming. Finally understanding why I was over eating and not exercising took several years. Deciding to change it took even longer. Accepting and understanding what caused my habits to form was the first step in changing them. Finding the motivation to change them was the second. You need to know the why. Why did it become a habit and why do you want to change it?

That often requires some critical thinking and a large dose of reality. If you keep binge drinking every weekend what is going to happen to your body, your life, your future? If you hit 600 pounds, what is going to happen if you keep eating? Are you OK with that? If you are, if you truly are, then carry on. Or just kill yourself now and be done with it. That is the end goal isn't it? Avoidance and death? Bad habits all have a purpose. Avoidance, an attempt at fulfillment, slow suicide. There are many reasons for them, the point is, you have to discover what your reason is. That's really the very first step in changing it. And then you need to find all the reasons to change that habit. Do you want to live longer? Do you want to be able to play with your kids? Fit in your car? Change jobs? Make your relationship work or find one? These are all the things that motivate you to change. Some people call it a "Why list".  Get clear in your mind what the benefits are of making a change. If making a change rationally seems good but it doesn’’t feel good, it won’’t stick. Emotions have more power than many of us realize.

Imagine what will happen if you don't change a bad habit. It's a great motivator. Imagine hitting 600 pounds and not being able to do, well, pretty much anything. Imagine dragging an oxygen tank around with you if you keep smoking. Or simply not being able to breath. Imagine the lives of your children without you (that's one thing that kept me from suicide more than once). Or simply imagine going to bed every single day hoping you won't wake up in the morning. Personally I don't need to imagine, I survived it. And never, ever getting to that point again is a huge motivator for me. When I crave junk food, or pizza, or chocolate or any of the other foods I've gone to in the past, I simply remember what it did to me and how much I despised my life. Change doesn't always feel good, not at first anyway. Going to the gym every day hurts sometimes. There are days I'd much rather come home, park my ass in front of my computer and not move, but I know where that road ends. So I'm changing that habit and replacing it with a healthier one. Conversely, imagining what will happen when you change a bad habit to a good one is equally motivating. Imagine fitting in decent clothes, or a small car. Imagine finally being able to take that flight without buying two seats. Or playing with your kids without worrying you're going to die from the effort. Imagine that person you like finally noticing you, or getting that promotion or new job. Imagine being able to walk through the store on your own instead of riding an electric cart and enduring the looks and snide comments. We all formed our habits for reasons, we can all find reasons to change them. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Eating on the road

One of the hardest aspects of eating healthy is traveling. Especially when the motel room has only a small microwave and mini fridge. Impossible to cook anything and they don't make many healthy microwavable options. So you're essentially forced to eat out. Now, as I've said before, I love food. I love a good burger, with fries of course. I love deep fried anything. And that's always been my go to choice when at most restaurants.

Over the weekend the wife and I took a trip to the coast. No kitchen in the room, not a lot of healthy eating out options in Lincoln City, so it was a struggle. However, I made an effort to step outside of my usual box and explore other menu items that carried a few less calories than my usual choices. Fish tacos anyone? Something I had never tried before. I've always heard them to be good, but was leary of trying them. A taco, to me, is burger, cheese, lettuce..... Who puts fish in a taco?? Wasn't I surprised when I liked them? OK, so I could have had a salad, but dammit, baby steps here. Fish, corn tortillas and cabbage is far better than burger, cheese, bacon, bun and a side of deep fried fries. So OK, we can add fish tacos to the list of things I like.
First experience with fish tacos

We went to another restaurant in town, one we've wanted to try for a long time. Short story, what a disappointment. If you've ever eaten at your grandparents retirement home you've eating at Kyllo's. Utterly flavorless food. But again, I decided to go for the lesser of evils and ordered a fish sandwich with slaw instead of fries. OK, so it had pretty much zero flavor and the slaw was not only runny but room temperature (I'm honestly kind of surprised I didn't get food poisoning) but I made better meal choices than I usually have. And I'm happy about that. I explored the menus and tried things I normally wouldn't. 

If only it had had any flavor
Traveling is one of those triggers. It's so easy to eat crap when you're on the road. It's a habit too. Hit the drive-through, eat in the car. Stop at that roadside burger joint. Order a pizza (OK, so we do that on the last night). In the past, on the way out of town we would stop and buy crap. Chips, chocolate, crackers... Road food. Who wants carrot sticks while on a road trip? People who don't want to weigh 600 pounds again, that's who. 

We shopped before we left because we knew it would be an issue. We tried to buy things that worked on our eating plan but didn't need cooked. Crackers and cheese. Sandwich meat, hummus, veggies. Healthy option to keep us from eating the bad ones. Because the bad ones are so damn easy. When you go to a restaurant you don't instantly go to the salad section of the menu. But it is possible to make better choices. It's hard to be healthy on the road, but not impossible. We've made eating crap way too easy in this country. On the coast most sit down restaurants close early, drive-throughs are open till midnight or later. The healthy choices are usually more expensive, crap is cheap. Seriously, $12 for a salad?? So I wasn't perfect over the weekend, but I was better than I used to be. 

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Food Vs. Nutrients

Nutrients? You know, vitamins, minerals, blah blah blah. All that crap that makes our bodies work right and we know we're supposed to eat every day but generally don't? Personally I like food. Sweet food, fatty food, sugary food, easy food, comfort food.... You know, all the crap that made me 600 pounds and we all know we shouldn't eat every day but do anyway because it's easy and tastes good? What's cheap? Bad food. I can eat at any given fast "food" place for a couple dollars and have it done in a couple minutes. I can buy canned food, boxed food, frozen food, processed food.... It's cheaper. It's easier. It's fast too. Hungry? From freezer to microwave to mouth in under 5 minutes. Easy peasy! Don't feel like cooking? What's in the back of the freezer and what did I do with the can opener? Have dinner made in minutes! And get fat, lethargic and sick.

No, I don't buy into the "paleo" bullshit. Or any other of the many fad diets that come and go. I'm not going to use the "South Beach" diet, or the "Mediterranean", or whatever the TV is pushing this week. It all mostly a bunch of bullshit. But I am working on eating better. The wife and I are doing a "30 day fit for Fall" challenge at our gym. It's being put on by the house nutritionist and I'm hoping that it will help the both of us. It's essentially aimed at eating better food. And I think that's very important and something I personally need to work harder at doing.

There are, quite literally, thousands of articles, papers and full books on micro/macro nutrients and their effects on muscle growth, general health, longevity and quality of life. You would be hard pressed to find a professional bodybuilder who couldn't list off everything they ate for the last several days. It's not about eating certain things or avoiding other things, it's not about overly restricting calories or any of the other crap most diets push. It's simply eating the right food that had the good stuff in it that our bodies need to be healthy. Seems easy right?

Macronutrients include carbohydrates, fats, and proteins. They are called macronutrients as they are required in large amounts to fuel the body. Energy is measured in calories and they are essential for the body to grow, repair and develop new tissues, conduct nerve impulses and regulate life process.

  • Carbohydrates – are required for energy. Glucose, which is a monosaccharide, is the most essential source of energy in the body. The brain works entirely on glucose alone. When an immediate source of energy is required, glucose is converted into glycogen which is stored in the liver. When energy is needed it is converted into glucose again and used to release energy. Carbohydrates provide 17 kilojoules of energy per gram.
  • Fats – have the highest caloric content. This means they provide the largest amount of energy when burnt. When measured by a calorimeter, fats provide about 37 kilojoules per gram, making them twice as energy-rich than protein and carbohydrates. Extra fat is stored in adipose tissue and is burnt when the body has run out of carbohydrates. Fat is also needed to take up fat-soluble vitamins.
  • Proteins– are the third and last source of energy. They are the last to be used of all macronutrients. In cases of extreme starvation, the muscles in the body, that are made up of proteins, are used to provide energy. This is called muscle wasting. Proteins also provide 17 kilojoules per gram.

Micronutrients

These nutrients include minerals and vitamins. Unlike macronutrients, these are required in very minute amounts. Together, they are extremely important for the normal functioning of the body. Their main function is to enable the many chemical reactions to occur in the body. Nevertheless micronutrients do not function for the provision of energy.
  • Vitamins – are essential for normal metabolism, growth and development, and regulation of cell function. They work together with enzymes and other substances that are necessary for a healthy life. Vitamins are either fat-soluble or water-soluble. Fat soluble Vitamins can be stored in the fatty tissues in the body when in excess, and so are not excreted easily. This means that you do not need to eat them as often as Water soluble vitamins. The latter are excreted in urine when in excess and so need to be taken daily. Water soluble vitamins include Vitamin B and C. Green leafy vegetables are rich in Vitamin B, whereas Vitamin C is found abundantly in citrus fruits. Fat soluble vitamins are Vitamin A, D, E and K. Green leafy vegetables, milk and dairy products and plant oils provide these vitamins.
  • Minerals – are found in ionized form in the body. They are further classified into macrominerals and microminerals (or trace minerals). Macrominerals present in the body include Calcium, Potassium, Iron, Sodium and Magnesium to name a few. Iron is a constituent of Hemoglobin which is present in blood. Hence macrominerals constitute a larger percent of the body and are needed in more amounts, as compared to micro minerals. Microminerals include Copper, Zinc, Cobalt, Chromium and Fluoride. They are mostly co-factors, and are necessary for the function of enzymes in the body, but are needed only in minor quantities. Approximately 4% of the body’s mass consists of minerals
I HATE leafy vegetables! I don't like most citrus fruits either. I find milk disgusting. See the problem? After having surgery I was told over and over again to eat a high protein, low fat, low carb diet. That simply doesn't work for me. I need carbs. I need the fat. It's what keeps you full and gives you energy. Protein is all well and good, but not when it's the primary calorie source of your diet. It's one of my favorite things, but still get tired of it. So then I turn to bad carbs. Because they're easy and they taste good. I love bad carbs. Chips, crackers, bread...... They are my weakness. Some people like sugar, some like other things, I love carbs. And it won't work with this 30 day challenge thing either. I have to eat healthy food, not just food. I can eat an entire bag of Doritos. An entire bag of salad or carrots, not so much.  So, I have to focus on the good carbs. Or the "low GI" ones as they're called. 

Low GI foods can benefit your health and athletic performance. Being that low GI foods are assimilated at a slower rate, they supply a steadier supply of energy. Lower GI foods alleviate hunger, leading to a more controlled appetite. Selecting lower GI carbohydrates will prevent mood swings. Lower GI foods can also result in higher muscle glycogen levels (storing more carbs in the muscle), and less chance of storing the extra glucose as fat. You see elevated insulin levels can turn on your fat storing mechanisms.

Here is a preferred list of some of the foods that are "Low Glycemic", and are recommended for sustained energy levels (slower absorption, lowered insulin response):
  • Nuts
  • Legumes
  • Fructose (Basic sugar found in fruits)
  • Pasta (Boiled 5 min.)
  • Dairy ( Ice cream, skim milk, whole milk, yogurt)
  • Fruits (ONLY-plums, peaches, apples, oranges, pears, grapes, grapefruit)(contains fructose)
  • Rice (polished), or brown
  • Sweet potato
  • Oats
  • All-bran
  • Most Vegetables ( exceptions- carrots, corn, root vegetables)
Oh look, more things I really don't like. And more things on my "to eat" list. More of the foods this 30 day challenge suggests eating. More things I need to learn to like. I've never really liked most fruits. Or vegetable. Or "greens". So this is going to be a huge adjustment for me. But I do know that what I have been doing for the last 41 years hasn't worked out too well in the end. So maybe there is something to this "nutrients" thing. Personally I could be happy living on pizza, burgers and Doritos. At least until I hit 600 pounds again. 

Sources:

Monday, October 5, 2015

Endorphins

I finally experienced it. The rush. You know, the one runners and other athletes talk about. What a feeling! As you may know, depression screws with the chemical balances in your brain. Serotonin, endorphins and other neurotransmitters don't flow right. We either don't make enough of them or we make to much of them, it's the primary cause of depression. Medications can help, for a while. As I've written before, exercise helps more. I've never really experienced "normal", even when on medication. As long as I exercise every day the depression stays pretty mild. But I've never reached the point of that rush. Until today.

"When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. For example, the feeling that follows a run or workout is often described as "euphoric." That feeling, known as a "runner's high," can be accompanied by a positive and energizing outlook on life." Seriously, it's like being high but not. It's an all over tingly feeling and feeling like you can do anything. I have never felt like that before. Ever. 

"Serotonin is one of the neurotransmitters implicated in depression. In fact, many antidepressants are designed to increase the serotonin levels in the brain. According to Harvard Health Publications, exercise may be an effective way to help improve your mood. By releasing serotonin and other endorphins, exercise can be useful in treating depression." Yep. And without the nasty side effects. While it's true that the medication I took for several years helped me function, it did some pretty unpleasant things to my body too. 

Abilify (aripiprazole) is an antipsychotic medication. It works by changing the actions of chemicals in the brain. It's used to treat the symptoms of psychotic conditions such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (manic depression). It is also used together with other medications to treat major depressive disorder in adults. They put me on Abilify to help my other two medications work better. And it did. It also caused me to gain weight at an absurd and frightening rate. Abilify is one of the reasons I hit almost 600 pounds. And it happened fast. I don't take it anymore. 

Common Abilify side effects may include:

  • weight gain;
  • blurred vision;
  • drooling;
  • dizziness, drowsiness; or
  • sleep problems (insomnia).
With the exception of drooling, I experienced every single one of those. And I already had issues with insomnia. 

I was on two others too. Wellbutrin and Lexapro. Wellbutrin (bupropion) is an antidepressant medication used to treat major depressive disorder and seasonal affective disorder. Lexapro (escitalopram) is an antidepressant belonging to a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Escitalopram affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause depression or anxiety. Lexapro is used to treat anxiety in adults. 

Here's the list of side effects for Lexapro. Again, I experienced most of them. 

  • Constipation
  • decreased interest in sexual intercourse
  • diarrhea
  • dry mouth
  • ejaculation delay
  • gas in the stomach
  • heartburn
  • inability to have or keep an erection
  • loss in sexual ability, desire, drive, or performance
  • sleepiness or unusual drowsiness
  • trouble sleeping
Notice the "trouble sleeping"? Not the worst side effect, but close to it. Sure, I didn't feel like I was going crazy, I also wanted to sleep 20 hours a days but couldn't. 

And here we have Wellbutrin:

  • Anxiety
  • dry mouth
  • hyperventilation
  • irregular heartbeats
  • irritability
  • restlessness
  • shaking
  • shortness of breath
  • trouble sleeping
Hey, look at that, "trouble sleeping". And let me tell you, the "irritability" was real. Just ask my wife and kids. Maybe it had a little to do with the fact that I didn't sleep for months. So yes, these three medications helped me get the panic attacks under control. Probably saved my life. But after a couple years they didn't work as well yet still provided all the wonderful side effects. Medications work, but they're a short term solution to a life long problem. I suppose you could choose to stay on them for ever, change them up, live with the side effects, or you could exercise. The difference in how I feel now as opposed to how I felt on medication is really indescribable. It's living in a fog compared to standing on a beach with a strong wind in your face. And they certainly never triggered an endorphin rush. Not even close. 

So what are the side effects of exercise? Pretty much the opposite of all those listed above. Weight loss. Improved mood. More energy. Looking better. Increased testosterone production. Sleeping better. Well, since I'm making lists and all, here's the side effects of exercise.

  • Reduce stress
  • Ward off anxiety and feelings of depression
  • Boost self-esteem
  • Improve sleep
  • It strengthens your heart.
  • It increases energy levels.
  • It lowers blood pressure.
  • It improves muscle tone and strength.
  • It strengthens and builds bones.
  • It helps reduce body fat.
  • It makes you look fit and healthy.
Horrible aren't they? And then there's that endorphin rush. It's been theorized that problems with endorphin production or the binding process may be responsible for clinical depression or sudden shifts in emotions. When you don't produce them normally you certainly feel it when they kick in. 




Sources:

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Changes

So I've said before, I despise the scale. It's not a terribly accurate portrayal of true progress, especially if you're building muscle. That's not to say I never step on one and don't pay attention to what it says. After weighing myself yesterday and then looking at my previously logged weight over the last year or so, I realized that I have lost 37 pounds in 4 months. My weight hovered between 450 and 460 for over a year. Initially post surgery I dropped roughly 40 pounds, fast. I think it took about a month. I was thrilled. And then it stopped. And it stopped. And it stopped. While I didn't gain any, I also didn't lose any. One week I would be at 459 and the next it would be 450. I was well and truly stuck. Didn't matter how little I would eat, the scale wouldn't drop below 450. So I finally went to the gym

And the pounds started to drop. As did the inches. 37 of them. And I really don't know how many inches. Several. It's encouraging. It's refreshing. It's nice to see weight loss again. After everything I went through, the surgery, the pain, the recovery. To see the same weight day after day, month after month was frustrating. To not see or feel a difference, after all that. It was disheartening. Depression started to come back, the ever present sense of failure, the desire to give up. All the emotions that so greatly contributed to my long term suicide attempt started to claw their way back up. The one thing that saved me was going to the gym. Just to start moving again. To sweat, to feel the muscle pain, to have that sense of accomplishment you can only achieve after exhausting yourself. And now I step on the scale and I see a difference. I see success. I see progress. And makes it all worth it. Not only that, it makes me want to go back to the gym to do more, to work harder, to change more. To take another step forward. Every single day.

I've been asked many times if I thought surgery was "worth it". Honestly, I'm still not sure. It was probably the catalyst I needed to move in the right direction. I probably could have done the same without surgery, the question is, would I have. I don't think so. Depression had such a hold on me at that point that I was quite willing to simply eat until I died. After surgery that wasn't really an option. Eat till I puke, absolutely. Eat until I wished I was dead? More than once. But once you have bariatric surgery that takes far, far less food to accomplish. And it HURTS! Oh, how it hurts. Unless you're a true masochist it's not something you do on purpose more than once. Knowing what I know now, I think I would approach it differently. I would probably ask them to take out more of my stomach than they did. But I'd probably still do it again. Probably. I sometimes wonder where I would be now if I hadn't hadn't taken that huge step. Would I even still be alive?

It is sometimes rather fascinating for me to go back through old photos or blog posts and see what I looked like a few years ago. Yes, it's motivational, but it's also something more. It makes me wonder how much longer I would have survived. How much longer I could have kept the depression from its inevitable end. When you get to 600 pounds there's really only a couple option. You keep going until you die, you die, or you do something about it. The same is true of depression. Put the two together and it's a deadly combination. I don't think I would have survived it much longer. Hell, I still struggle with it every damn day. The depression is better but it's not gone. And I know it never will be. I've simply learned to understand it, accept it and work with it instead of going with it. I still have days I don't want to be alive. I still occasionally grapple with thoughts of death. And I always will. But I've come a long way from where I was a few years ago. And seeing progress helps with that too. Bariatric surgery, if nothing else, stopped me from killing myself with food. And that's something I don't regret. Some people have better success with it than I have, and I hate those people. No, not really. Well, maybe a little.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

6 months later

It was the first week of April when I finally returned to a gym. Walking in the door that first time was one of the hardest things I've done in my life. I didn't want to but I knew I needed to. I was worried that I would only be met with judgement and criticism as has happened with past gyms. But I went. Like a condemned man to the death chamber, I went. The first day was a struggle. I kept my head down and ignored everyone around me. I sweated. I left. I didn't want to return the next day. I was sure it would be a horrible experience. Yet I did. And it wasn't. It's now been six months. I love going to the gym now. I need it. I crave it like an addict craves the next fix. And I love that.

I have had so many people tell me what an inspiration I am to them. Quite honestly I find that rather bizarre. Me? An inspiration? I have found so much encouragement from so many people. People are glad to see me when I'm there. They notice when I'm not. And they often offer kind words, helpful words, and smiles. It's not what I expected but it is one of the things that keeps me going back every day. No, it's not a "hard core" gym. There's no chalk on the floors, there's not a lot of grunting and groaning going on. You don't often hear banging and clanging and you almost never see what some places call "lunks". I think the average age of client is around 60. And that is why I like it. We're all just there doing our own thing and not worrying about other people. So anyway. It's been roughly 6 months since my first day. Now instead of dreading my trip to the gym I look forward to it. I honestly didn't think I'd last this long and certainly never imagined I'd like it this much.

When I got married on June 30th of 2013 I had a 72 inch waist. 72 inches! That's SIX FEET! I was only three inches taller than I was around. As of last week my waist is just under 62 inches. Here's a photo from my wedding. I can't keep those pants on anymore. That shirt was almost tight. Not any more. Well, I pretty much covered my progress a writing or two ago. I still have to remind myself. Look at old photos, compare them to new ones. My mind doesn't see a difference most of the time.

I now log every workout I complete on bodybuilding.com . It's fun to see the progress. And how much I lift every workout. It's a good tool if you lift. It keeps track of everything and even projects what your current one rep max is. But my personal favorite is how it calculates how much you lifted after any workout. I love seeing that number up over 60,000. Some leg days it's over 80. That's a lot!

I've found some great inspiration on bodybuilding.com. One story particularly got to me. A man named Jesse Shand  started out at over 600 pounds. He's lost more than 350 so far. Here's a video about him. It's worth watching. It was hard for me because I could relate to so much of what he said. If he can do what he did then I can certainly do what I need to do.

"Imagine not leaving your house or seeing your friends for years. Imagine not bathing in nearly that long because your body had grown so enormous that it could no longer fit in the shower. Imagine looking down at the scale and seeing the number 653 staring back at you." I don't need to imagine, I lived it. Or I should say, I survived it. Here's a link to the article about him. 

What I have found to be true for me is that I need to find motivation everyplace I can. And it helps when those around you are encouraging.