So now what

That is the question that continues to plague me. I know some things to be absolute. I will lose weight. I will get healthy. I will change my life, the way I live, the way I eat, the way I do pretty much everything.

But what else? I need direction, I need purpose. Above and beyond getting healthy. I finally know what I don't want. I know what doesn't work. I know what not to do. When I try to imagine my future, I come up blank. I try to think of what I want to do with the rest of my life and I come up blank.

On one hand I feel like I should simply focus on my health, on getting better, on fixing the issues in my life. On the other hand, I am very tired of not having an income. I despise the fact that I depend on Government assistance to survive. I hate the fact that I can not afford the things I want, or even the things I need. I feel like an unproductive burden on society. I feel like I should be doing something.

I feel very unemployable at this point in time. I have so many personal issues I need to work on. Mental and physical. I can't stand for any amount of time. I can't walk more than a hundred feet or so without stopping. I have issues staying awake because I'm absolutely exhausted. Just moving takes a ton of energy.  When a person gets to be my size, everything takes extra effort.

So, the question remains, what do I do? I know that I will continue to work on myself. But there has to be more to life than that. My kids, of course. But I need more. I need an income. I need goals, I need inspiration. I need friends. I need activities, things to do, places to go.

I spent so much of my life avoiding people, blocking them out and closing myself off to any and all outside input. I didn't feel like being around people. I always felt like the outsider, or the person everyone was laughing at. That seems to have changed lately. I find lately that I crave adult company, conversation and interaction. I want friends now, people to hang out with, do things with. The problem is, I don't seem to have those skills, I don't think I ever had them.

So, I shall continue to work on me. I have goals. I will achieve them. The rest, I hope, will fall in place. We shall see.