What do you believe in

I can't count the number of times I've been asked that question in my life. Usually by a Christian person who then instantly judges me for my answer. One of the many reasons I have always been turned off by Christianity and the people who claim to follow its teaching. Hypocrisy, lots and lots of hypocrisy. Am I a believer? Certainly not. The bible is a cobbled together work of fiction, half truths and brilliant stories. Do I judge those that choose to believe? Sometimes. But I try not to.

I'm not a "religious" person. I do not believe in a particular deity. I certainly don't believe that some magical creature man person from outer space snapped his fingers and created us. I don't believe in Allah, I don't believe in Jehovah, I don't believe in prophets and apostles.

So what is it I believe in. For many years I told myself the answer to that question is, nothing. I don't believe in any of it. That's what I told myself. I knew it not to be true. I have always believed in something. The question I've not been able to figure out for most of my life is what that something is.

I've read about Buddhism and found it quite interesting, to a point. I've read about many other forms of what people refer to as spirituality and found it all quite interesting, to a point.

I finally realized what I don't like about organized versions of belief. All of them pigeon hole you. They all have a set of rules. This is what you can believe and this is what you can't. If you don't follow these rules you can't belong to our club. I have never liked being told what I can and can not believe in.

So, I have pondered this question over the years. What is it you believe in. I've seen ghost or spirits, whatever you want to call them. I have seen auras many many times and still do if I let myself. It's hard to not believe in something you've experienced first hand. Isn't it?

Yet I seem to have spent most of my life denying what I've seen and what I feel. I really don't know why. It's like part of me refuses to acknowledge another part. The logical part and the emotional part are at war. They have been most of my life. My yin and yang have been conflicted. My mind confused. It's finally starting to calm. The two sides that have been at war have declared a truce.

So still, the question remains. What do you believe in. The answer remains, I'm not entirely sure. I ask myself many questions. If God created all, who created God? If we came into creation after the big bang, what caused that? You can not get something from nothing. Or can you?

I often feel and see things I can not explain. I usually ignore these things, the logical part of me says they can't be real, they are not possible, ignore what you've seen. And I've listened. I have insisted that what I know I don't know. What I feel I don't feel. Instead of having two sides that make a whole, I have existed with two sides that have fought to stay apart. They've succeeded for a very very long time.

But recently I've noticed the two sides coming back together, slowly. I've found my inner peace returning. I'm not feeling as conflicted. I can feel an inner calm, a quietness. I am noticing things I have not noticed in years. I have an inner dialog, but instead of being a confused, violent, irritated conversation, it's a calm, quiet and relaxed one.

Yet I still can't seem to completely answer that question. What do you believe in. I believe in something. I believe in everything. I believe in nothing. I know that I do not know. I do not have the faith in my beliefs that so many claim to have. I believe in learning. I believe that all things are connected. I believe in Yin and Yang.

I believe in the power of the human mind. I believe in the power of belief. I know that we came from someplace and I know that I many never know where that place is, or was. Does life have a purpose? I don't know.

I feel myself drawn towards a more eastern philosophy on life. I am finding that mediation truly helps me. It helps to calm my mind, to help me relax. I feel a calmness that I haven't felt in years. I feel connected.

So, I still can't answer that question. What do I believe in. But I do feel like I'm finally starting to figure it out. Slowly. As I figure out so many other things in my life. Every day I seem to find or feel or learn something new about myself. Maybe some day I'll be able to answer that question.