It's early. I should be sleeping

Oh good lord. I love my child, I truly do. She decided to wake up at about 4 this morning and is not going back to sleep. So here I sit while she watches cartoons, comfortable and happy, kicked back on the couch. While I sit here and sip coffee and try not to do a face plant on my keyboard. At this hour that's quite the struggle for me. I never have been a morning person, I don't expect that'll change any time soon.

I've been spending some time lately actually exploring the Internet. I spend hours sitting in front of this damn thing, always doing the very same things. Always thinking there is so much out there if I just knew how to find it or what to look for. So I discovered Stumble!. How very interesting this little add on is. Random websites picked for me from a short list of preferences. I've found all sorts of fascinating information, pictures, inspiration.

So it's started to occur to me, or perhaps reoccurred, I'm not quite sure, that I have available to me a plethora of tools, a huge resource of information, all I need do is use it. For someone who claims to be a computer geek I seem to have gotten stuck in a very deep rut with what I do while on line. Always the same pages, same games, same shit different day after day after day. Time to climb on up out of that rut and broaden my horizons.

I've found photography tutorials, weight loss and exercise information, personality tests (that was quite interesting and quite accurate). It's nice up out of that rut. Now I simply need not fall back into it. With many things in my life, not just my computer usage. I tend to do that, stay in my worn ruts. They're like trenches from WW2. They go for miles and miles, like a corn maze. Protective perhaps, but also a trap. While you may feel secure entrenched deep in the ground, you miss so much going on above you. All you need to do is stick your head up. My problem is when I do it seems to get blown off.

That's OK, I'm like a lizard who loses his tail, my head grows back time and time again. It's been chopped off, lopped off, blown off and ripped off and it grows back every time. "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you never gonna keep me down" or so says a one hit wonder band. That's my new ring tone actually. A reminder to get back up and try again. And again. And again.

I'm exhausted from getting up so many times in my life, carrying on, surviving, making it until tomorrow. Well quite frankly I'm sick and fucking tired of just surviving. Of making it another day and another, hoping something will change, get better. It's time for me to stop surviving and start living. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again because I seem to need frequent reminders to get off my ass and change my life instead of wallowing in self pity.

I have so many excuses I could write a book. A massive list of all the reasons not. All the reasons it won't or can't. You can't fail at something if you don't first have the stones to try. The "grit" perhaps. Wallowing in self pity and misery is easy. I'm fabulous at it. Been doing it most of my life in one way or another.