living

Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.
If you realize that you have enough,
you are truly rich.
If you stay in the center
and embrace death with your whole heart,
you will endure forever. 

From Tao Te Ching, Chapter 33
As translated by S. Mitchell, 1995


How many things do you wish you'd learned or figured out much earlier in life? I have many. It has taken me many years to understand my self, my origins, why I am who I am and how I got here.

• My parents really didn't know any better. I wish I'd figured that out a long time ago. They did what they knew and wasn't much.
• I wish I'd known that the way I felt inside wasn't normal. That it could change and that the anger, hate and disgust I felt toward everything, including myself, could go away. 
• I wish I'd done better in school and realized then how much an education can change a persons life. For no other reason than perspective. 
• I wish I had done what I wanted to do instead of what I thought I had to do
• I wish I had done something about my depression a decade ago. Hell, two decades ago. 
• HOW TO LIVE

OK, so my list isn't all that long. I try not to dwell in the past. It's the past, it can't be changed. It can't be fixed and try as you might, it can't be forgotten. What it can be is a lessen. Something to learn from. Something to pause occasionally and think about when making choices. If we don't accept and learn from our mistakes we keep repeating them until we do.

That pretty much sums up my life, or most of it. A serious of unfortunate events. One bad choice after another. Until recently I wasn't aware of this. But then, I wasn't consciously aware of many things. The point isn't to regret the past, regret is a waisted emotion. The past can't be changed, so why regret what is and what has been. But now I see what led me to the place I am today. The decisions I made that caused an effect, altered the path of my life. Brought me to this point of awakening.

I tend not to delve into the area of spirituality. It's a very gray area for me. I am an atheist. I know that. I know that I do not believe in the theological version of God, Jesus or any of the other faeries they believe in. But, as I explore the inner me and come out of the comma I've survived in for the last 38 years, I feel something. I just haven't quite figured out what that something is. Something that has kept me alive.

I've started to feel alive these last few months. Like I'm living instead of simply surviving. Like life means something.   And I feel like living. That's something I haven't felt in a very long time, if ever. I want to be alive. I want to learn. I want to feel. I want to experience everything I've missed.

I'm suddenly having a desire to do things I never really have before. Eat better, move more. Talk to people. Have friends. I've decided to get in touch with family. Those I've never really known and those I've alienated.