Wow, I haven't written anything on here in quite some time. I seem to blog in bursts. When life is kicking my ass and I need to vent, I blog. I often wonder if these things ever even get read, not that it matters, I write this crap only for my own self, to vent, let things out.
So anyway. I hurt. I seem to be in pain almost constantly. I have no energy. I hate it. I can't walk more than a few hundred feet without needing to stop. I can't walk up a flight of stairs without paying for it for days. It seems to be getting steadily worse. All it takes is diet and exercise. Oh, 'cept it hurts to do anything, so that makes the exercise a bit of an issue. It's gotten so bad I have no clothes that fit. I feel embarrassed to go out in public. And when I do go out, I have to be careful where I sit so I don't brake what sit on. I have to make sure it's either a single floor building or it has an elevator. I worry that I'm going to be dead before I hit 40. I'm going to be 35 in a few days and I feel like I'm 90.
I seem to have lost my motivation, my interest and my drive. Though I don't think I every really had much of any of those. I don't know why. I keep hoping that therapy will help me with those issues but it hasn't yet. I wonder if it's just depression and maybe some good drugs will make it all better. Then I think about what happened the last time I tried taking any of those kinds of meds. They made things worse. So, it this me? Is this what I am? Fat, in pain and depressed? Is that my role in life?
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