Sleep eludes me yet again

So I'm laying in bed with a sleepless mind full of brilliant thoughts. I decide fuck it, I'll get up and write some of them down (after I track down the yapping dog that has kept me awake for the last hour). I get out of bed, go outside only to have the dog finally stop yapping. I'm awake now, though, so I may as well do something productive. After all, I was laying in bed with a mind full of brilliance wasn't I?

The problem is, as I wake up, I find that all those brilliant thoughts are slowly trickling away, like piss down the shower drain. The longer I'm awake, the faster the flow becomes. Until I find my self, at 4 in the morning, sitting in front of a computer, such a wonderful portal to the world and a wealth of information, playing solitaire. So apparently I have a several hundred dollar deck of cards? Hmm, it plays music and cheesy little card games. I could have gone to the dollar store and saved lots and lots of money.

Ahh, money, the main cause of my stress and therefor lack of sleep (other than that damn yapping dog). Or perhaps, more accurately, lack of money. I suppose it all boils down to two things, time and money, I don't have enough of either. I struggle and work and struggle some more and yet i seem to make no progress. I'm 35 years old and back in school again. I'm broke again, only this time I have a family to worry about. I'm in the worst physical shape of my life. I have to take drugs to keep my anxiety low so I don't flip out again. Every morning I take my pills, my vitamins, I feel like a 90 year old man with all the crap I take to stay "healthy". And I think, again, if only I had more time and more money. If only I could have those brilliant thoughts while awake and able to do something with them.

Instead, here I sit, stressed out with all my brilliance floating away rapidly, swirling down the drain to be processed in some shit plant with all the other bodily fluids and fecal matter. Maybe it's just delusions caused by sleep deprivation, like beer goggles, she really wasn't that pretty and the thoughts, perhaps (ok, probably) weren't that brilliant. But they sure seemed so, untill that god damn yapping dog woke me from my almost sleep.

Why is it that when i lay down, my mind decides to turn on? The harder I try to find sleep, the faster my mind seems to race. It's like a broken down rusty jallopy in the waking hours and like a race ready Ferrari when my head hits the pillow. I lay in bed and watch the ceiling. With thoughts of my past, my present and most importantly, my future, running through my head. I think of what it would be like to have money, financial stability, and the time to enjoy it. I think of what it would be like to not have to worry about how the bills are getting paid and how we are going to put food on the table. All these thoughts and so many more.

Oh sweet sweet sleep, where for art thou? Please return to me my sweet love. I miss you. I miss the sweet black abiss of nothing that you are. I miss the few stress free hours you provide me. Come back to me.