remembering the past to focus on the future

Trying to remember my childhood is quite difficult for me. It's all a jumble of places, faces, houses, moves. It all kind of blends together. I tried once to remember all of our moves over the years and still can't get them all straight.


I have left so many things behind. Toys from my years as a kid, animals, friends. Just to float to the next place and the next face, following my dad around. I can't remember names of people I once new. I can't remember what town I lived in at what time, at least not until highschool. I have random memories pop up and can't figure out if they are real, or if it's something I read, heard, watched. It makes me feel very strange at times.

Today my counselor described it as being "dis-attached". It suddenly made so much since. Why I have such an issue committing to anything. Why I have a hard time keeping interest in things. I frequently feel as if I've been floating through life for the last 36 years. Bobbing like an empty bottle in the current, with no control over my destination.

But it's more than that. I have such a hard time even caring what my destination is. Frequently, once I reach one, I'm not happy with it and throw myself back into the water, to bob along a while longer. My present feeling about school is a perfect example.

Life

So why is it that I still can't get my shit together and make a plan for the rest of my life? Here I am, almost done with at least my associates, and I'm wondering if I'm going in a direction I realy want to. Even after two years of school, I still feel like I know nothing about computers. I certainly don't feel qualified to go get a job in the field.

I can't help but ponder the past and think about the things I wanted to do when I was younger. Or at least thought I wanted to do. And just never got around to it. Lack of motivation sucks like that. But when you're chronically depressed, finding motivation and drive is really quite difficult. It's very easy to float through life and let things happen to you, instead of taking charge and making things happen for you. I still feel like life is happening to me, instead of feeling like I'm living it.

The few things I do enjoy doing are not things one can make a living at. And even if you could, I don't think I'm nearly good enough to do so.

Hopefully more therapy will help me get things under control and on track. I can't say back on track, because I don't think I ever have been. I spent most of my life wandering around, changing jobs, doing different things. Pretty much following in dad's footprints. To the same end, I'm afraid. At least now I actually understand why I am the way I am. That helps a little bit.
Perhaps I should attempt to write more, it seems some what therapeutic to put things down like this.

some more

Photography, such as it is

Taking another photography class this term, hoping for some motivation. It's hard to get out with the camera when you're stressed out and in pain, but I managed because I had to.

These are all taken at a community garden behind my house.