remembering the past to focus on the future

Trying to remember my childhood is quite difficult for me. It's all a jumble of places, faces, houses, moves. It all kind of blends together. I tried once to remember all of our moves over the years and still can't get them all straight.


I have left so many things behind. Toys from my years as a kid, animals, friends. Just to float to the next place and the next face, following my dad around. I can't remember names of people I once new. I can't remember what town I lived in at what time, at least not until highschool. I have random memories pop up and can't figure out if they are real, or if it's something I read, heard, watched. It makes me feel very strange at times.

Today my counselor described it as being "dis-attached". It suddenly made so much since. Why I have such an issue committing to anything. Why I have a hard time keeping interest in things. I frequently feel as if I've been floating through life for the last 36 years. Bobbing like an empty bottle in the current, with no control over my destination.

But it's more than that. I have such a hard time even caring what my destination is. Frequently, once I reach one, I'm not happy with it and throw myself back into the water, to bob along a while longer. My present feeling about school is a perfect example.
I try so hard to keep interest in things. Photography, my education, technology. And I find it a constant struggle. I know part of it is depression, but it feels stronger than that. It's been a survival mechanism my entire life. Avoidance and disassociating myself from my surroundings made my younger years so much easier. Not forming any kind of lasting relationship with people.

Unfortunately, it has carried over into my adult years. I don't know how to have a healthy relationship. I don't know how to make or keep friends. I have a hard time keeping jobs because of it. I tend to alienate people. I don't intend to, it just happens. My long standing survival mechanisms are now making my survival difficult.

I use food as an escape mechanism, and maybe even as a shield. I hide behind my size, use it as an excuse and even a crutch. Now, I weigh 550 pounds and can barely walk to the end of the driveway (and it's a short driveway). I'm 36 years old and I have absolutely no friends. I don't socialize with people. I have no job and the future scares the shit out of me.