another day

I remember thinking once that life would get easier with age. I'm finding the opposite to be true. Seems like the older I get, the less I know or understand. But then, things have changed to much over the last few years, I'm amazed I've managed to keep a hold on my sanity at all. It may be a tenuous hold, but a hold none the less.

Some days I feel like I am hanging from a ledge by the tips of fingers, with shark filled water below. I frequently feel like I'm losing my mind, or my grasp on sanity, such as it is. My level of depression, while always being a factor, lately seems to be more prevalent and having more of an effect on my life.

At times I almost miss my younger years. I have always known that I felt differently from most people. I have always known that my mind is, for lack of a better description, wired differently than most. I didn't really understand the depression until recently. And sometimes I think that makes it even worse. I went from just feeling like crap to knowing why I feel like crap but not being able to do anything about it. It's like watching a train wreck you can't stop.

I hate the way I feel. I hate what the depression does to me. I hate that it's so hard to control. It takes over my life at times. It keeps me from doing things I want to do and causes me to do things I don't want to do. It's like a constant out of body experience. Like watching a movie of life instead of living it.

I shut off so many parts of me. Built walls, locked doors and melted the keys. Parts of me that I barely remember. Some parts I have completely forgotten about until recently. I don't remember how to feel most emotions. Anger comes easy for me, but the others, lost, or vague. A distant memory. When so much of me feels nothing and the rest of me feels nothing but pain, it makes life a very miserable experience.

I don't know what it's like to be truly happy. If it's something I ever did experience, like much of my past, I don't remember it. The birth of my son should have been a happy occasion for me. Instead, I was not allowed in the hospital, I found out he was born from an anonymous message of myspace. I was even told he wasn't mine more than once. Turning what should have been one of the happiest times of my life into one of the worst.

The birth of my daughter was much better, but still not what I think it should have been. The amount of stress I was under at the time, the unsure future, the lack of money, it all caused me much worry and made a time that should have been wonderful and happy, not nearly what it could have been.

Such is my life. Even in the happiest of times, I manage to focus on the negative. I cant seem to help it. It is, apparently, my nature to worry about things I can not control. I feel like I'm struggling day to day to survive instead of living life. Every day seems to be harder than the last.

I don't really want much from life. Financial stability, to not be in constant pain, a good, happy life for my children. Stability in general would be nice. Something I never really had growing up. My parents did what they could for us, but I don't think they ever realized how the way we lived would impact our futures as adults.

I have moved more times than I can count. Forgot how to form long standing bonds with anyone or anything. My shrink says it was a survival mechanism. She's probably right. Every time I would make a friend or two, we would move. When I would get a pet, it would either die a tragic death or we would have to move and couldn't keep it or take it with us. I climbed into myself at a very early age. My friends lived in books and I happily followed them to so many imaginary places. The fabulous thing about books, they don't leave until you are done with them and there is always one more waiting to be a companion. I found solace food, another eager companion, readily available for consumption. I stopped trying to step out of my shell, every time I did, I got stepped on. Now, I can't find the way out.

All I want is to feel normal. To not hurt all the time. To be able to socialize with people. To have a healthy relationship with my girlfriend and my children. To have some feeling of security in my life.