grrrrrrrr

God I hurt. Everything hurts. My mind, my body, from head to toe. My knees feel like they are grinding glass. I stand more than a few minutes and my back starts to feel like it's been hit with a bat. My feet hurt when I walk. When I can walk, that is. I'm so tired of being in pain and being tired. I hate this. And I don't know how to fix it.

It seems so simple for some people. The suggestions I get, just walk, eat less. I do eat less, I can't walk. The depression makes it hard to do anything, even getting out of bed some days is a struggle. I have no motivation, no drive and very little interest in anything. Many of the things I want to do, I simply can't because of my size, or because it would hurt too damn bad. So I do nothing. I sit at home and wallow in self pity and loathing. I frequently feel like I hate myself.

I think, often now, of my past. Of the places I've been and the things I've done. The good, the fun, the bad, the illegal and the stupid. Some would say I've lead a fairly interesting life. I don't know. I feel like I've accomplished very little in my life. So I've seen the Northern Lights and the “green flash” sunset. I've been to the two extreme ends of this country. What good is it?

I'm sitting here, in pain, trying to figure out some way to make money to pay bills. Trying to sell the few extra things I have, with no luck yet. Trying to figure out how I can find a job, keep a job and take care of my kids. Nothing seems to add up. So, I guess I'll have myself a little pity party and see what happens. Something always seems to.