sarching for a since of belonging

I have spent a great portion of my life moving while my dad searched for something he never has managed to find. Even after I left home, I still traveled, perhaps searching for the same illusive thing. Or perhaps it's more of a feeling I can't find. A since of belonging.

I have always felt out of place, like I should be someplace, but unable to find that place. Like a blind rat stuck in a maze, following the scent of cheese but unable to find it. Banging my head into wall after wall, all the while, sniffing the cheese I can't find. Home may be wear you hang your hat, but I don't wear hats.

I wonder frequently how it is that I keep ending up back in Oregon, a state I never have been fond of. I've lived in every corner of the state, as well as the middle. In the mountains, in the dessert, on the coast, and now in the valley. In none of these places have a found a feeling of belonging, none have felt like home, simply another rest stop along the roadside of life.

I feel, more and more of late, that I am supposed be a certain place doing something. I can't, however, seem to figure out what place and thing that is. I have this inner magnet that wants desperately to pull me south. To the warm water and ocean breeze, to nearby islands and tropical beaches. When I get lost in the music I listen to, this is the place I picture in my mind. When I dream, this is what I dream of. The sun, the smell of ocean, the sound of waves hitting the beach, the feel of sand between my toes.

Why is this? I don't understand it, I never have. But I've felt it most of my life. Like the sirens songs, calling me from afar, beckoning me into it's sweet embrace. I can close my eyes and see it perfectly, smell it even.

I am sitting here at 3 in the morning letting music take me away, getting lost in the sounds of the flamenco guitar, letting it take my soul away from my tired, stressed out body. It's an odd thing, I don't just listen to music like this, I feel it. It speaks to me, it takes me in its warm embrace and wraps me tightly in the folds of beautiful notes created by people with a talent I will never possess. It gives me visions of happier places, warmer places, better places.

I have had much time recently to ponder my life, my past, present and future. Much of my past I have forgotten completely, my future is unknown and my present is, frankly, a mess. Perhaps the way I feel about music and the way it makes me feel is how many people feel about religion and the deity they believe in. Some go to church and pray to feel better, I put on a set of headphones and push play.

I have had occasion to wish I could be of a religious nature. It must be very nice to have that faith. To know with certainty that a god is looking out for you, that no matter how bad things get, in death, you have a heaven to look forward to. Alas, my mind is much to logical for such belief, and certainly to much so for blind faith.

Perhaps if I had the ability to believe in a god, I could say he/she/it had a plan for me. I've heard religious people make this claim. Is it a belief in destiny? But if you believe in destiny, can you at the same time, believe in free will? Or if it's "gods will", do you have no choice in your actions and life is simply a script written by a higher being? If that is the case, I hope he has an editor and this is just a first draft.

I guess my search for a since of belonging will have to continue. I shall carry on, as I always do. In the immortal words of chumba wumba "I get knocked down, I get up again, you aint never gonna keep me down", only it's getting harder and harder to get back up. What I do know, with absolute certainty, is that I am tired. Tired of struggling, tired of be tired, tired of being in pain, tired of feeling like I don't belong anyplace, and tired of not feeling.

Perhaps I will never find the place I seek, perhaps we aren't supposed to. Is that the purpose of life, to find the place that makes you happy? To find your purpose, your "destiny"? If it is, I need a map or a clue or something, because I feel quite lost at the moment.