seriously lacking focus

My mind seems to be floating out in space, totally disconnected from, everything. Sometimes it seems that is the only way I stay alive, halfway sane  and functioning. Reality is pain, depression, more pain. My body is tired. My body is sending me a loud, clear and painful message. Fix me or die. So now, all bullshit aside, no more excuses. It's very simple, I can continue committing slow and painful suicide, or I can make changes in my life.


That's what food is to me, a loaded gun with a very very slow bullet. I've been actively killing myself for the last 15 years or more, one bite at a time. Food is an addiction for me, as bad as any drug. It's a compulsion, a filler for something lacking in my life. I find myself eating when I had to intention to do so. I eat to much, without realizing what I am doing. Or maybe just not caring at the time. I disassociate, detach and lose conscious control of my actions. Like a heroin addict chasing the monkey.

This is the first time I have ever thought of food as a drug. It's a hard thing to realize. It's even harder to admit. To acknowledge that I have been actively committing suicide one hamburger at a time. I have to fix this.

It's somewhat eye opening when a person realizes they weigh a 1/4 of a ton. Actually slightly more. My current weight is 547 pounds. I can't walk to the end of my driveway without being in severe pain. Every time I go upstairs, I wonder if I'm going to make it before my heart pops or my knees cave and I do a face plant. Coming down them is even more of an adventure. I'm in constant pain, even sitting or laying down, I hurt. My body has had enough, it can't take it any more.

So here, finally, begins the big fight, the long battle, the war. It's a life or death fight. Only two ways to win, die, or get healthy. I have years of negativity and bad habits to overcome. I must find a different filler for the void I continually attempt to fill with food.  Just being aware I'm doing it is a huge step for me.