Do or die, a moment of personal clarity

Last week was a bad week for me. It was very dark. I fell down into that same old hole I frequently fall into. One filled with pain, depression, a feeling of hopelessness. It's a place I have been to many times in my life, to many times. A place I fall with little warning and must struggle to get out of. It gave me pause to think, a lot, about a lot of things.

I have often contemplated suicide over the years. Sometimes I've gotten very close to actually doing it. It's a feeling I do not like, one that I fear greatly every time it sneaks up on me. Usually right after I fall in that hole. So, in a moment of clarity, it occurred to me that it's time to fish or cut bait, shit or get off the pot, you pick the euphemism. Quite simple really, either go someplace and kill yourself and be done with it, or fix your issues. I suddenly decided that I do want to live. That I have things to live for. That I can be miserable the rest of my life, or I can do everything I possibly can to fix things.

So, the battle begins, again. But for real this time. And it is a battle. A battle with my body, my mind, my pain tolerance. Knee braces, nsaid gel, exercises, slow short walks and a huge change in what and how I eat. I am at war!