A swirling mass of chaos

My mind, my thoughts, they're swirling like a great boiling cauldron in the middle of a deep storm tossed sea. So many different things swirling past. Some moving quickly, past in a blink and gone. Others seem to pass in front of me over and over again. I'm trying to calm the storm, or at least weather the storm. Until is calms, somewhat. Or I manage to build a bigger ship to sail the seas. A ship that stays off the rocks and makes way in the wind, with full sails instead of dragging anchor.

The thoughts that are floating past me are about the past, the future, the choices I've made in my life and those I still need to make. Thoughts about how I ended up where I am and how I move forward. I have the right to be happy. The only one keeping me miserable is me. I finally realized that last night. I have convinced myself over the years that I didn't deserve anything, that I was not worthy. Always an excuse. Why I didn't get the job or the promotion, why I have no friends. Reality shines a very harsh light when cast upon ones self.

It's odd how all the therapy, the self reflection, the antidepressants, they helped me simply survive. Until suddenly, like fuel to flame, a simple conversation with a friend lights me up from the inside. I finally, after many many years, I feel things again, I care about things again, I feel alive again.