Who is your worst enemy?

I know who mine is. Myself. My mind. My plethora of excuses. I seem always able to find a good reason to not do something. I'm tired, I hurt, I just  don't want to. I look at what I've allowed to happen to my body and get overwhelmed. It seems like such a huge (pun most certainly intended) undertaking that just getting started is a struggle.

I try to eat healthy, make better choices and what happens? I gain weight. I try and keep a positive attitude and have days like today that just kick my ass. I try not to feel sorry for myself, and then my chair breaks under my fat ass, reminding me just have large I've gotten. It's a lot to take in and deal with.

I despise being fat and out of shape. I absolutely hate the way I look, the way I feel, the fact that I can't do most of the things I want to do. I didn't really think about much in the past, the shroud of depression kept me from thinking about many things. But now, especially with being single and trying to meet people, I am constantly reminded of how others see me.

If I was a woman, I wouldn't want anything to do with me. I weigh 540 pounds. I'm almost as big around as I am tall. Just making it up the stairs is a workout for me. I know all I need to do is lose weight. Should be simple. Eat less, move more right? That's all there is to it. Except that no matter how hard I try to not let the depression in, many times I fail. Once it's in, it takes over. And then I have days like today. Days when everything feels impossible. Days when I just don't care. When all I want to do is give up.

I hate those days. I hate those days almost as much as I hate being fat. I can literally feel the negative thoughts crawling around in my brain, like a worm. A hungry worm that feeds on my positive thoughts, on my will power, on my desire to do anything. The depression scares me sometimes with how strong it can be. How totally insidious and sneaky. It just pops up suddenly.

At least at this point in life I know what it is, I recognize the feelings and I know them for what they are. I try not to let them take over. But some days, days like today, they're overwhelming. It's like being stuck inside jello, you can see out, just barely. But moving is impossible.

I need some kind of drastic change. I don't know what. Some intense motivation. A muse perhaps. I need someone who can see the person I want to be and help me achieve that goal. I just don't think I have the power to do it on my own. The strength I lack, when taken over by the negative.