The on going struggle to survive

The last couple of days I have felt horrid. The nicotine withdrawals climbed into my head and took me to a very bad place. I hate that place. Sometimes I get stuck there and can't find my way out. At least now I have a key to the door. I despise the way I feel while quitting smoking. The control that is has over me, the way it can make me feel. The way it opens the door for the depression. The cravings sneak up and hit me like a wall.

I know that I can do this. I can kick this habit. I want to kick this habit, I need to kick this habit. I will not allow it to have so much power over my life anymore.

I've got a few patches. They help. Some. The worst part of quitting, worse than the depression, worse than the cravings, worse than the mood swings, I have a huge urge to graze. To nibble on this and that, like a little rat in cupboard. I can't give in to that urge either.

I know this, if I can quit smoking, I can do anything. This has become more than a simple goal. It's a personal challenge, a fight. It is a battle of will. Of my will. To find out how strong I truly am. I will not be a slave to nicotine anymore. I refuse.

I have so many new goals for myself. So many things I want and need to accomplish. I have to win this battle I'm fighting with myself. I am, after all, my own worst enemy. But I know, without a doubt, I can not continue to live the way I have been. I can not continue to be miserable. I can not continue to be in pain. I just won't do it anymore.

Some days the pain is so intense through my entire body all I want to do is take drugs and lay in bed. I know that won't help. If anything it would make the problems worse. It's what I've been doing for years. Simply ignoring the issues and surviving from day to day. I've been miserable.

I ask myself many times a day, what can I do to change things, to make things better. The answers frequently elude me. Or perhaps it's that I ignore them. I know that I need to move more. I need to just get up and do anything. Instead, I sit and hurt and do what I can to keep the monster in its cage. When the monster tries to escape it makes things more difficult. The depression takes over. Or tries to. I've finally learned the name of the monster and I've learned how to put it back in its cage. I will not let it take my life over again.

I quit smoking, mostly. I found the strength inside to do it. Some part of me that has been sleeping for so many years is finally awake. It's still groggy, but it's waking. It's the part of me that doesn't want to be fat, the part that wants to be healthy and productive. The part that wants to live past 40.

But this brings me to the question I seem to have such a hard time answering. The question that plagues me daily. That question is, how do I fix myself. How to I fix my body and get to a point that allows me to do the things I want? When you've let your body get to the point mine is at, how do you get back?

I weigh 540 pounds. I'm as big around as I am tall. I have chronic pain. I know all this, I've written about it in the past. I can go round and round and round about it, but that accomplishes nothing.