Feelin it

20 years of smoking. So many times I got the lecture from non smokers, doctors, ex smokers. I didn't care. I knew from the time I started smoking that they aren't good for you. Hell, you'd have to be a complete moron to not figure that out. But I kept smoking.

I remember colds where I could barely breath and I still smoked. I smoked when I had bronchitis. Numerous times. I smoked through ear infections, bouts of flu. Nothing stopped me. The first thought in the morning was "where are my smokes". The last thing I did before bed was have a smoke. They ruled my life.

I coughed, I gasped, I coughed some more. I kept telling myself the reason I couldn't catch my breath was my weight. Give me a smoke dammit. A pack a day, sometimes more. Every day. For 20 years.

I tried to quit, a few times. I failed. Every time. I tried inhalers, patches, chewing gum. And I failed. Every time.

And then not quite two months ago I decided I was done. I don't know exactly why I decided to quit. I just did. I was done. So I did. Yes, it was still hard as hell. But this time was different. This time is different. I can't really explain it. I have absolutely no interest, at all, in ever smoking again.

When I quit in that past it was all I thought about. Smoking was constantly on my mind. I needed it, craved it, had to have it. It ruled my life. I was a slave to nicotine. Every day, every night, the God of nicotine was in control. And then, suddenly and inexplicably, it/he was no longer in control. I don't know why.

I have no interest in smoking. I don't like the smell anymore. The idea of sucking on one actually kind of grosses me out. But more than any of that, I can breath. I can climb a flight of stairs (or three) and not feel like I'm going to drop dead. I can spend 2 hours moving in the pool and not be out of breath. I can take a deep breath and not end it with a cough. I don't cough when I lay down.

And there's more. I can taste things again, I can smell things again and I don't stink like an ashtray. I have zero interest in going back to how things where before. None.