blah blah blahs

First, a yummy recipe I stumbled on:

HEALTHIER SPINACH ARTICHOKE DIP

• 1 box frozen spinach, thawed and with the liquid squeezed out
• 1 bag frozen artichokes, thawed and with the liquid drained away
• 2 wheels of Laughing Cow Swiss cheese (you can do the light version here as well)
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• ¼ tsp cayenne pepper
• salt and pepper to taste

I love artichoke dip.


I have a continuing, on going, persistent, clinging, cloying, annoying case of the blahs. The blues. The almost but not quite depressed. I can feel the meds keeping me from slipping over the edge and into the abyss, but barely.

I despise this feeling. It consumes me. Swallows any and all motivation I may be able to muster, ever briefly. This feeling, it has a voracious appetite and it's hungry for my life. It eats my ambition and masticates my motivation.

Yet somehow, through it all, I have apparently lost weight. Not a lot, but at least going in the right direction. I keep thinking if only. If only. If only. If only what? If only I got off my ass? If only I had energy? If only. A common yet pointless mantra in my life. Always an if only. Enough with the if only already.

I need to get off my ass, get over these blahs that have plagued me most of my life, put my big boy pants on and do something. Anything.

Relaxation is one of the most complex phenomena
- very rich, multi-dimensional.
All these things are part of it:
let-go, trust, surrender, love, acceptance, going with the flow,
union with existence, egolessness, ecstasy.
All these are part of it, and all these start happening
if you learn the ways of relaxation.

Osho

Say yes more often!
 

"If you see a difference between where you are and where you want to be - consciously change - your thoughts, words, and actions to match your grandest vision.

This might require tremendous mental and physical effort. It will entail constant, moment-to-moment monitoring of your every thought, word, and deed. It will involve continued choice-making - consciously. This whole process is a massive move to consciousness. What you will find out if you undertake this challenge is that you've spent half your life unconscious. That is to say, unaware on a conscious level of what you are choosing in the way of thoughts, words, and deeds until you experience the aftermath of them. Then, when you experience these results, you deny that your thoughts, words, and deeds had anything to do with them."

- excerpt from "Conversations with God"

I think I've done this to a point. I think I've come an amazing distance from where I once was, not all that long ago really. Where I spent most of my life. I find however, that I so easily slip back into those old way. Like a comfortable pair shoes or your favorite pants, they go on so easily. I have this problem with the  way I see the world, the way I see food, the way I see myself. So many years of negativety just doesn't don't away. 

I so easily get discouraged, when the pain gets to me, when the stress gets to me, when the depression gets to me. It often feels like two steps forward and one step back. A huge improvement from 1 forward and three back. But it would be very nice to simply move forward without the back stepping.