10 Ways To Be Happy, On Purpose
“He who depends on himself will attain the greatest happiness”
~Chinese Proverb
I was at a Women’s Leadership Conference about a year ago and had an “ah-ha moment”. We were all introducing ourselves and asked to share a few things to help with the process. One question left me baffled and ultimately changed my life; “What do you do to make yourself happy?”.
I've asked myself this question more times than I can count. I've had others ask me this question. The sad truth is, nothing. I need to change that.
At the time I honestly didn’t know. I had a great job, friends, and family. I was independent, young, healthy, and yet I couldn’t figure out what made me happy. I vowed that day that I would be happy on purpose because I was tired of waiting for happiness to happen.
It’s not been an easy road, but it’s been the most fulfilling adventure I’ve ever been on and I feel that I should now share what I’ve learned with others.
1. Know Yourself
“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is nobody else who is you-er than you.”
~Dr. Seuss
How many times have we heard “no one will love you until you learn to love yourself” or “nobody knows you the way you do”?
So get to know the right-now-real you, both the good and the bad, and own it. Write down your qualities, characteristics, values, strengths, and weaknesses. What makes you happy? What drives you crazy?
I think my next blog will be all about that. I've never really thought about that much, at least not on purpose. I've spent so much of my life struggling to simply survive I never got around to thinking about me, not in a true since anyway. Time to change that.
The good news is that if you don’t like certain aspects of yourself right now, you have it in your control to change that. But to change something you first have to know what you’re working with. So do some serious soul-searching and figure that out!
This should prove interesting. Certainly something I've never been very good at. I have always gone with the denial and avoidance methods of survival.
2. Discover who your idealized self is and start working towards that.
“Open your eyes and look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?”
~Bob Marley
To put it simple, hell no I'm not satisfied. But I will change that.
The question we all got asked when we were little was “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Now the question is “WHO do you want to be when you grow up?” You’ve taken a good hard look at who you are in this moment, and now is the time to figure out what’s next.
Think of the “ideal you” and start doing the things that your idealized self would be doing. There was an article on Pick The Brain a while back entitled “How To Fake It Until You Make It” in which the author, David Wright, suggests that we imagine the qualities that your idealized self has (the work it takes) and start putting them into practice.
It’s time to stop playing make-believe and to start taking action! Let’s DO this!!!
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”
~Dr. Seuss
3. Be Authentic
“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
~Bruce Lee
Always be true to yourself. When working towards becoming your idealized self it’s important not to lose sight of who you are in favour of who you think you should be. Don’t compromise your values, morals, or true personality. Your individuality is important! Some people live their lives trying to be more like somebody else. My question to you is this: If you’re trying to be somebody else, who’s going to be you?
There may be certain things about yourself that you’d like to change or improve upon, but be absolutely sure that you make these adjustments for yourself and for your best interest. If you change anything in your life for the sake of someone else, and it’s not really what you want, you will only become resentful and unhappy.
To be truly authentic, one must rise above the crowd and be a true individual. Find your truth; a reason for which to live and die.
I've been searching for that in one form or another most of my life. Still it eludes me.
“Few are those who can see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts”
~Albert Einstein
4. Understand that you can only control yourself.
“When there are no enemies within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you”
~African Proverb
As I started my journey to being happy on purpose, I realized very quickly how little in my life was within my control. I had no power over other people; others will do, think, and feel what they want and there’s little I can do to change or even influence that. I could only manipulate my environment and the things that happened to me to a certain degree.
I finally took this stance with my ex wife.
I started to wonder if I could control anything in my life at all and I realized that I can only control myself. More specifically I had control over my attitude and my reactions to what the world throws at me.
I believe there are some Buddhist mantras about this particular realization
For example, if you lose the life of a loved-one, you are going to have feelings of grief and even despair or anger. You need the grieving process as a human being and part of being authentic is being true to your emotions; otherwise you are in denial of what you truly feel and want. You can, however, choose the attitude of “moving on” or choose to dwell on it. You can choose to react by lashing out to those around you and hiding in your room with nothing but your grief and anger for company. OR you could choose to spend time with people who will make you feel better or immerse yourself in a project or work to keep your mind off things until you start to heal.
The idea that you have such little control over life might be scary for some, but you can also choose to look at it as freeing yourself from worry. If I have no control over something, there’s no point worrying about it because I can’t change it anyways. If I have control over it then I can take action, and again I no longer have to worry because something’s being done!
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
~Maya Angelou
5. Achieve balance in all things.
“Before Enlightenment – chop wood, carry water. After Enlightenment – chop wood, carry water.”
~ Zen Buddhist Proverb
There is a Yin and Yang; everything has its opposite, and the key is harmony between them. For example you must strike a balance between selfishness and selflessness. Chose either extreme you will quickly find yourself unhappy. If you always give to others you end up being useless to everyone because no one will take care of you for you, and a person who never gives to anyone will live a lonely and unfulfilling life.
Oh how fucking true that is.
The same can be said for striking a balance between your emotions and your logic. Are you being true to your emotions (giving them validation) or are you totally absorbed in them (giving them control)? Your logic and your emotions should work together to guide you in a balanced and healthy way of living.
I've been working on this one lately. Well, for a while now. I've gone way to the logical, emotionless side of things and it's not worked well for me. I've spent so many years of my life closed off emotionally. Avoiding them any way I could. I'm working on achieving that balance and keeping it.
6. Learn to let go.
Learn to let go of the things that are not within your control or that happened in the past. Instead embrace and work on your self-control and self-esteem. You will be more at peace with yourself and can then enjoy life despite what the world throws at you.
I have spent a great deal of my life stuck in the past. Not learning from it, but living in it. Letting the past control my now and my later. The past can't be changed and dwelling on it is simply futile and frustrating.
Ask yourself “How is this working for me?” Does it help you to feel sad or angry all the time? Is it productive and useful when you lash out when someone or something upsets you? Is it healthy to become obsessed about an issue, person, or event that you have no control over in the first place?
To let go is to fear less and love more. It means knowing that you can’t do it for someone else, that you have no control over another, and that the outcome is not in your hands. Letting go is making the most of yourself, not blaming another or trying to change them. It means caring about someone, not caring for them, and allowing another to make mistakes and be a human being. To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
“If things start happening, don’t worry, don’t stew; just go right along and you’ll start happening too.”
~Dr. Seuss
7. Give your life meaning and actively seek your inspiration.
“Love the life you live. Live the life you love.”
~Bob Marley
So many of us go around searching for the meaning of life or waiting for inspiration when really it’s within ourselves and up to us – no one will do this for you!
I've heard this many times. I want to believe it true. I keep waiting for the inspiration within to make itself know. It's remained eerily quiet as yet. Perhaps it does no exist within me, I don't know.
While at the Woman’s Leadership Conference I had the privilege of listening to our guest speaker, Canadian Olympic Gold Medalist, Clara Hughes. She shared with us that she suffers from Clinical Depression and that sometimes she gets so down in the dumps that she forces herself to ACTIVELY seek her inspirations. Clara stated that inspiration hardly ever just falls on your lap and that if you need it you have to go and find it for yourself.
Don’t look for the meaning of life; instead give your life meaning! One way that I did this for myself was by becoming a “mother” to something – I got a dog. His name is Charlie, and he’s been such a blessing for me. We’ve worked really hard on establishing a good relationship and I’ve learnt a lot being a “Pack Leader” for him. In doing what was good for Charlie (teaching him commands, working on his walking habits, regular grooming, giving him lots of love and work for him to do) I also became a better person. I learned to be more patient, how to be more assertive, and have become more active.
So go out there and find your meaning! Get inspired! Join a not-for-profit group, volunteer, get a pet, become a Big Sister or Brother, and go to some self-improvement or awareness workshops. Invest in yourself and you’ll soon reap the rewards of being content and feeling productive in your life.
8. Focus on the positive.
“There are two ways to live; you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle”
~Albert Einstein
The expression “everything happens for a reason” annoys and upsets some people because it suggests that your path is predetermined and that The Fates or God is in charge of your life. The idea that a child dying of cancer, for example, is meant-to-be is frustrating and unfair; but the reality of it is that you have no control over your outside world. So I choose to think “in everything I have to find my own reason”. Instead of asking “why did this happen to me?” I ask myself “What positive thing can I find in this?” By focusing on the positive of any situation (and trust me if you look hard enough you’ll find it) I help keep myself positive and happy.
Working on learning how to do this.
The good wouldn’t be as sweet without the bitterness of the bad. You go through the tough times to strengthen you for the excruciating ones to come. It’s in experiencing these tough times where you will truly be able to live with gratitude for what you have that is good.
“Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.”
~Bob Marley
9. Surround yourself with like-minded people.
“A man should choose a friend who is better than himself. There are plenty of acquaintances in the world; but very few real friends”
~Chinese Proverb
Change is never easy. It’s even more difficult if the people you choose to spend time with aren’t the “right people”. Just ask someone who’s had to kick a bad habit (smoking, drinking, drugs, junk food, etc.) what it’s like being around people who haven’t quit or cut back yet. It’s easy to fall back into your old habits because they come with a certain comfort. It’s the same when you’re trying to be positive and happy and surrounding yourself with people who are negative and miserable. Misery loves company right?
So surround yourself, instead, with people in whose presence you feel optimistic, happy, and vibrant. If you can’t think of one person in your life that meets this standard it’s probably a good sign that you need to find new people!
I’ve had to “weed out” people who I thought were my friends – these were the people who always seem to be gossiping, talking about negative things, and focusing on the downside of every situation. I learned to be picky about the people I spend time with and limit the amount of time and energy I spend with those who tend to be toxic to my well-being. And no, it wasn’t fun or easy doing this, but it was worthwhile because they were just bringing me down.
Sit down and write out two lists for yourself – on one side write down the names of people who give you good energy and on the other side write down those who more often take your energy. Then try to steer clear of those who drain you and make an effort to spend more time with those who motivate you and are positive.
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter won’t mind.”
~Dr. Seuss
10. Keep going
“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
~ Martin Luther King Jr.
I was watching Firefly (2002-2003 TV series) and there was a saying that a few soldiers shared that was an even better version (I think anyway) of the Martin Luther King Jr. quote: “When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl you find someone to carry you”.
Sometimes you can’t do it on your own. But you can’t just stop either. I went and talked to my doctor about my depression when it got so bad that nothing I did seemed to make a difference. I talked to my friends and family about it and found support and love when I did. I got the help I needed when I could no longer do it on my own and it’s made all the difference in the world.
I’m proud to announce that I am doing much better now. I know what makes me happy and I do it for myself. I am purposely happy every day, even when it’s rainy and cold and everything seems to be going wrong.
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”
~Albert Einstein
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Melissa Morrison is a Job Developer with YesYouCan Employment Consulting in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario Canada. She works with people who have disabilities in finding meaningful employment and facilitates motivational and job-ready workshops. Find out more about Melissa and YesYouCan here.
How to fake it till you make it
1 Imagine the qualities that Awesome You already has. You know, the You who is already doing what you want to do, who is living the life you want to live. What is that version of you doing that you’re not? I’m not talking about the perks that come with a great life, like spending loads of money going to places and living it up. I’m talking about the WORK it took for the Awesome You to get where he is. Does he get up early to write for an hour? Does he exercise twice a day to keep that magnificent shape he already has? Does he read and comment at certain sites to keep a high profile and stay on top of news and trends? Is he outgoing? Does he network? Start DOING those things and success will follow!
2 Break those bad habits! Would Awesome You pig out late at night? Or party on a night before an important meeting? No, of course not. Because he does the RIGHT things. Come on, we all know what we should and shouldn’t do. But it’s easy to fall into bad habits when you’re not really thinking about yourself. However, if you’re paying attention to the role you’re playing (Awesome You), then your more conscious of what you’re doing and more likely to do the right things.
3 Dress the part. People judge you based on your appearance. While we’d all love to be appreciated for our inner selves, it’s that outer part that others see first. And how you look will affect whether or not people WANT to get to know you. How does Awesome You dress? If you’re unsure, consider some people who are already doing what you want to do. How do they dress? I’m not talking about the rock stars of the world who dress like they want, fashion be damned. There’s time to craft your rebel look AFTER you’ve found some success. Find a style which allows you to blend in and show that you belong to whatever group you’re trying to be part of.
4 Make believe. When I was a kid, I used to love pretending I was other people. I was Spider-Man, Underdog, and for a while, I was convinced I was an alien. What can I say, I had an active imagination! When we were kids, we could pretend to be anything we wanted and nobody laughed or pointed fingers, because they were all busy pretending to be other things, too. And so long as you weren’t BOTH pretending to be Captain America, no problem. Why not carry some of this into adulthood? Your imagination hasn’t died, has it? Use it to psych yourself up to change. If you look up to a certain person, pretend to be them. I’m not saying to adopt their personalities, but you can adopt certain qualities they have. For instance, if your hero, or your idealized self, practices guitar for two hours a day, you can do the same. If your hero or idealized self likes to go to the beach to write every morning, you can too! Imitate their qualities; role-play a bit. Have fun!
5 Surround yourself with people who have made it. Nothing holds us back like those who remind of us how we used to be. Especially those friends and family members who don’t like your change or want to constantly remind you of your failings as a way to cling to their own status. If your friends and family aren’t supportive of your efforts to change, find new people who won’t remind you of the Old You. Surround yourself with people already doing what you want to do. Find a mentor, if you’re able. Not only is this a positive reinforcement for becoming the Ideal You, but being around successful people will give you opportunities you’d not otherwise have, living in the past.
So go out and be Awesome.
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