Looking inward, a journey into self

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. - Marcel Pagno

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about. - Dale Carnegie

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Hellen Keller

Beware of your thoughts, they become your words. 
Beware of your words, they become your actions. 
Beware of your actions, they become your habits. 
Beware of your habits, they become your character. 
Beware of your character, it becomes your destiny. 
-Unknown
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So in my previous post I talked about, or rather the author of the article I "borrowed" talked about making some lists. Lists about self. I've never really tried this approach much. It's been suggested to me by people over the years, but I've always pretty much shrugged it off. I've never been good at true introspection. It's scary in there. Mush easier to blame all external sources for my issues. Well, it seemed easier at the time.

That has changed a lot over the last year or so. I've started to understand myself, to listen to myself. My therapist asked me some time ago what my ideal self would be doing. Where that ideal self would live, have, be surrounded by, feel. I really couldn't clearly answer the question. I suppose I had a vague idea buried in the depths of my mind. It's slowly bubbled up, thought by thought.

The hardest part for me, when answering these questions, is being honest with myself. Then comes imagining them possible. And finally, getting over the silly feeling of feeling silly. It's the logical side of me trying to take control. The depression screaming at me that there is just no point. The depression, it can be quite loud at times.

I'm learning, one day at a time, to acknowledge the depression. To accept it for what it is and to stuff it back in the hole it climbed out of before it climbs out and swallows me whole for an unknowable period of time. It's getting easier every day.

So then, the ideal me according to me? What is that person? Who is that person? What is it I want to be? Or not want to be. First and I think most importantly, I want to be healthy. In all that word entails. Body, mind and spirit. Healthy. Not a rock hard body, or running marathons on the weekends for fun. Just simply healthy. I want to be a healthy weight. I want to not be in pain. I want to be able to walk, to run, to swim and do all the other things I want to be able to do.

My health, or lack there of, has a huge effect on my life. It's like an anchor attached to me with a massive chain. I know I have the key to the lock, it's just a matter of getting to the lock. That chain is slippery. It has a very thick coat of excuses, poor choices, depression and failure covering it. For every link I pull towards me it seems the chain grows two more to replace it. And I paint on a thicker and thicker coat every single day. I know I'm doing it yet I seem powerless to stop. It's such an ingrained habit, such a part of my life, that leaving it behind is like cutting off a limb. But, like a gangrenous toe, sometimes cutting it off is necessary to save what is left.

So we've established that my ideal me would be healthy. But what else is there? I think the rest is fairly simple, in theory anyway. To be a good father to my kids. To give them the life I never had. Security. Stability. A home that doesn't move every few months. Financial stability. That is what I am thinking of. I want, no I need, the ideal me to experience financial stability. I don't need to be wealthy. I just need to be able to pay the bills. To know that I can provide for myself and my family. If I can accomplish these things I will have accomplished the ideal me. Of course there are many other small things that I would enjoy, but these are the most important to me.

• I would love to improve my photographic skill to a point I could make money with it. 
• I would love to be more creative
• I would love to have a job that I loved. A job that made me happy and eager to go to work every day.
• I would like to be debt free (goes with the financial stability)
• I would like to have an actual circle of real friends. People I actually interact with in person and not just on the computer.

In the article she also asks you to list your qualities, characteristics, values, strengths and weaknesses.  I despise these questions. I never know how to truly answer them. It seems a favorite topic of job interviews. I didn't know them then, not to sure of them now. Though, I need to think on this and come up with some real answers not simple platitudes. I'm asking myself for myself. I need to be honest.

Qualities? What exactly does this mean. An essential or distinctive characteristic, property, or attribute? Good grief. I don't know. I'm me, I've never thought much past that. What is it that makes me me? What are my strengths, my weaknesses?

• I'm a horrible procrastinator. Or perhaps a fantastic one. I can put just about anything off for any length of time. In fact, you could say I excel at procrastination
• Creating excuses. Something else I am very good at. Goes hand in hand with the procrastination I suppose.
• I'm a clinically depressed  person. This is part of me. This will never change. What can and will change is how I deal with it. My depression greatly influences my life in a very negative way and I must learn to change this if I'm ever going to become anything other than a clinically depressed person.
• I'm stubborn as hell.  I suppose this could be both good and bad depending on the circumstances involved. When I truly decide to do something, I do it. If I can quit smoking (and I did) I can do anything I put my mind to. 
• I generally lack focus. I think this has a lot to do with my past and is one more of the many things I'm working on every single day. I could give any number of excuses (in my mind they're reasons) for this. But why? I must learn to focus. On many different things.
• My verbal communication skills are far and away worse than my written communication skills. I can't seem to get the thoughts from my mind to my mouth in one piece. They scatter, come out in jumbled up messes, if they make it out at all. 

• My written communication skills. Perhaps not communication so much as a cathartic outlet for my pent up frustrations and thoughts.  When I sit in front of the computer words seem to flow out of me and into the keyboard. I may be the only one these words have any meaning to, but they flow none the less.  

The million dollar question. What makes me happy. I think that needs a new blog post because it will require some serious thought.