Some ugly person called me fat.

I can't count the number of times in my life I've been called fat or some derivative there of. Fat ass, fat slob, fat bastard, fat fuck. And of course all the other possible combinations of fat, overweight, hefty, add infinitum.

And really, is it all that bad? Guess what? I know I'm fat. I'm quite aware of it. But it's earned such a negative connotation in out culture that to some it's the largest, worst, most hurtful insult their small brains can muster.

I mean honestly, there are far far worse things to be than fat. Some cultures look at fat as a sign of health and wealth. I'd rather be called fat than stupid. So you can be fat or a rapist, which would you choose?

Contrary to what many believe, being fat isn't always a choice. At least not an active one. I didn't wake up one day and decide I'd like to be fat and unhealthy. I say to myself, self it sure would be nifty to be in pain all the time and not able to move. On the other hand being a jealous asshole is a conscious choice.

Personally I hate being fat. I've let it define me for the majority of my life. When I thought about who I was the answer has always been "depressed fat guy". It rarely, if ever occurred to me that I could be anything other than that. I never really had dreams or aspirations growing up because I never thought any of them possible.

Someone once said you create your own reality. I never really understood what that meant until recently. All the self help clichés are suddenly making some sort of sense to me. Your thoughts become your reality. Think it, believe it, achieve it. If you think you can't, you're right.

According to a book I'm currently reading there are rules of change. Also rules of normal eating (that's the name of the book). The rules of change are:

1. Change is simple but not easy
2. change is incremental
3. change is slow
4. change doesn't happen without discomfort
5. change is facilitated by having or developing specific personality traits
6. if you put one foot in front of the other, you can't help but get where you want to go.

It's funny how so many different areas of life end up offering the same advice. One day at a time, one step at a time.

Another one I found fascinating from the same book was the requirements for accomplishing change. Quite simple really. Curiosity, compassion for self, caring for self, practice, patience and persistence.

I'm finding this book quite fascinating. I've struggled with eating most of my life. I never learned healthy habits as a child. I then developed bad habits as a teenager and reinforced those bad habits into adulthood. I developed mindless habits of stuffing my face when not hungry. Of not listening to my body. I developed, essentially, an eating disorder.

I have no idea how many times over the years I have suddenly realized I'm eating and having no idea why. Not normal eating. Far from it. Apparently hunger isn't simply wanting to chew, swallow or fill you mouth with food. Damn, who knew? Something to change.

If it can be satisfied with something other than food, it's NOT hunger. Yep, working on this one. I work on this one every single day. Because no, I don't like being fat. I don't like it at all. It hurts. It hurts physically. It hurts emotionally. It sucks.


A cognitive-behavioral approach to learning “normal” eating has three facets, all of which must be addressed and attended to in order to achieve full recovery. The facets are as follows:
• reframing irrational beliefs about food, eating, body, and weight to rational ones;
• handling stress and distress effectively without focusing on food and weight; and
• practicing “normal” eating behaviors until they become habits.

Isn't that a nice segue back into normal eating? Some of the things I have to consciously think about are thoughts most "normal" people never have to deal with. Why am I eating is always  a good one. Am I hungry? Or is it something else. Am I full? Do I need more or am I just eating because I can?

In all things seek balance.