My name is Rain and I'm an addict

I despise a part of myself. That part of me that must eat, even when not hungry. That part that turns to food for comfort but instead finds only loathing and disgust in self. This part of me that needs food like a vampire needs blood. Or at least thinks that it does.

I eat because I must. Because my rebelling mind allows for no other option. At times it even takes over, shutting off all else and locking me in the trunk, along for the ride if I like it or not. And I'm here to say, I don't like it, not one tiny bit.

This part of me makes me angry, it makes me frustrated and most of all, it makes me fat. It keeps me fat. This part of me that I can not seem to control. This part of me that I despise. I know not why it gets so loud at times, controlling me from within. It becomes an all encompassing roar that will not be ignored. The more I attempt to silence it, the louder it becomes.

It reminds me somewhat of the feelings I experienced when quitting smoking. As I imagine a drug addict feels when wanting for the next fix. I know that I'm an addict. I'm not sure why, the food I eat does very little for me. Yes, it tastes good but that is followed by self disgust and guilt.

I fear of late that I will not be able to conquer this addiction. That the food will win and in winning take my life from me. I can not, will not allow this to happen. But, I feel as if I'm a war that can not be won, at least not by me. I know there is no truth to this feeling but that does not end its existence.

I know what I need do, I know what I need change. What I lack is the strength of will to force myself to do these things. How do I find this strength? I have done so much to change my life recently and I struggle with this issue every day. Of all I've done, this battle seems the hardest.