Self flagellation Flogging or beating, either as a religious discipline or for sexual gratification

• pursuing the path of penance and flagellation

So is that what I do when I mentally maul my inner self for eating? It's certainly not sexually gratifying, but penance? Perhaps. Is it productive? Most certainly not. Can I prevent myself from performing this almost ritualistic action? I hope to learn how. It is self defeatist at best, harmful at worst. 

One question that must be answered it, why do I do it. What is it that makes it such a necessary part of my life to me? Misery begets misery I suppose and it feeds on its self, creating a constant loop of mental anguish, self punishment and then more eating. 

I thought for many years that my eating was a product of my depression. I'm learning that is not so much the truth. Yes, the depression contributes some, but the eating is a monster all its own. I need to figure out what made the monster in order to learn how to destroy it. To learn its name is to learn to control it. Perhaps, like any other addict, I shall never destroy the monster, but to control it would be enough. To keep it from coming out and devouring all it can find. 

I have perused all the over eaters anonymous propaganda and found it entirely to prone to spewing jesus junk and pseudo-psychological crap disguised at advice. Turn myself over the will of some god? Really? This is a battle I must fight myself, for it is an inner war between parts of my own mind. I simply have no idea what weapons to use.