Contemplations

I have many regrets in my life. Anyone who doesn't is either delusional or very very sheltered. One of them is that I never documented my many travels. Of course it didn't occur to me at the time, I was in survival mode. When you bounce from place to place with no real thought you don't realize what you are experiencing until later.

Sitka, Alaska looking north

True, I have my memories. Such as they are. But few photos, it never interested me to write about any of the places I've been. Who would want to read about such things anyway? I never thought I would have kids that could benefit from any of it. I never thought I was getting anything out of it. Until now.

I miss traveling. I miss experiencing new and interesting things and places and people. I miss the feeling of adventure it creates within me.

I have no interest in repeating the life of my father, to wander for years, in a giant circle, searching for only he knows what. I want to travel with a destination, with a plan, with a camera or 5. I want to see things I have yet to see, go places I have yet to go. Or perhaps I simply want to go. That very well could be it.

Chignik, Alaska

I have such anticipation for our move to Florida. Because of the destination, because of the chance for new beginnings and drastic change, but mostly for the trip. The things to see along the way, the places to go. The possible experiences. This is what I look forward to.

Oregon coast

I think of all that I've seen and all that I wish I had caught on camera. Orca slapping the stern of the boat with its tail. I was close enough to touch it. The northern lights. Calving glaciers. Places so far from light that you could see billions of stars and understand how man once felt so small.

I've seen the city lights, the northern lights, the green flash of light, the lights from the ocean and the lights in the ocean. How many can say that? I've watched fish swim in glowing water and swam in water so deep the bottom could not be seen.

Oregon Coast Aquarium

I got so completely lost in myself the last few years, lost in the struggle to survive, in the day to day clusterfuck that my life has turned in to that I forgot what it is to live life, to enjoy life. Not simply to survive life.

So much time gets spent on the little shit, on the stress, on the bills, on all the shit that really doesn't matter in the end. When we die does it matter how many cars are in the garage if you never took the time to drive them?

Hendricks Park, Eugene Oregon

So now begins the struggle in earnest, the struggle to get healthy. The struggle to begin    living life again. Because I want to. I want to drive my cars, not watch them collect dust.