pain

The body human is an amazing thing, capable of so much. The body and the mind together can achieve  remarkable feats, endure great pain, cause great pain, create beauty and destroy it. As I sit here, again in great pain, I am forced to wonder just what the limit of endurance is for me. How much pain can I live with before it simply becomes to much?

I wonder sometimes what it's like for others. What level of pain they experience on a daily basis. Is it as much of a struggle to simply get out of bed in the morning? I don't remember what it's like to not be in pain in at least one body part at all times. My pain doesn't go away, it simply relocates. One thing stops hurting and another begins. It's exhausting, physically and mentally. And emotionally.

What truly amazes me is that every time I start to think I can't deal with it anymore I manage to deal with it. It's not fun, I certainly don't enjoy life at this point, but I endure. I survive. And that is certainly all it is, surviving. I'm trapped in my body. I can push the pain to the side, mostly, but it barely allows me to function, it's always there. Waiting.

It's disturbing to me, the one having the thoughts and feelings, to go to bed at night and not really care if I wake up in the morning. Just so the pain will go away. Sometimes it seems a wonder that I haven't become an alcoholic or drug addict simply to escape the pain. And sometimes I wonder what keeps me from doing just that. It would be so simply to bury myself in a bottle, to make the pain stop. But I don't, I won't. And I know not why.

I feel like I've dug such a deep  hole for myself that I'll never find my way out. Every day feels just a little harder than the last. The pain seems just a little worse. The strength to keep going just a little less. The pleasures I find in life a little further apart. The pain affects every aspect of life for me. From what I do or don't do to my attitude on any given day. I avoid many things because of the pain. Or because of my size, or both.

So, how much can one person endure? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally? Dealing with one at a time is hard enough but when hit with all three at the same time it often feels impossible to carry on. Yet I seem to manage. I'm not sure the reason. I don't know if I ever knew one. Is there  a purpose to my life or am I just burning off some bad karma from a previous life? Is this simply the end result of a serious of stupid decisions? I live in a prison of my own making. Built one meal at a time and one injury at a time.

The one thing I do know with out a doubt is, I'm exhausted. Every day seems more of a struggle. Every day I seem to have a little less energy, a little less will to carry on. I need to sit and remind myself of the reasons to keep struggling instead of just giving up.