tired

I'm sneaking (or creaking would probably be more appropriate) up on 40 and I'm realizing that I have no idea who or what I want to be when I grow up. Like a compass in a magnetic storm, I can't seem to find a direction. I just sit here and spin in circles, accomplishing nothing other than getting another day older. I feel lost in chaos. Simply surviving has almost killed me.

I awake feeling blank and empty and I go to sleep feeling the same way. Only knowing that another day in a long line of days has passed beneath my keel. I ply the ocean of life with no rudder and no sail, completely at the mercy of the tides. It's no wonder I so frequently end up on the rocks. I can feel the ship beneath my feet but have no means of which to steer a course. It seems I have drifted into the doldrums with no way out, or at least it seems there is no way out. My ship lacks any oars.

Occasionally I manage to catch a breeze of drift into a current for a short time. I make some progress, think I may finally make way, only to find that movement carries right back to the same spot. I learn a new skill and I swear to myself that I will use it diligently, only to allow it to gather dust in the corner of my mind. And I don't know why. I truly don't.

I have found myself lately quite angry, lost, disgusted and tired, oh so very tired. These aren't the same emotions I've experienced most of my life, they don't come from a place of depression, they come from someplace else, someplace deeper. I've got find the strength to make the changes I know I need to make and to stick with them. Most days that seems utterly and entirely impossible.