what I've learned along the way

After so many years living in a fog created by untreated depression I have realized some very important things recently. The first being that living like I have for most of my life is NOT the norm. That it is possible to change things. That depression doesn't have to rule your very existence. That there is more to life than simple survival. Those are life altering realizations.

But then, how do you change 38 years of habit? How do you change your self after so many years of telling yourself there was no way and no point in trying to change? How do you come back from a place where you have crawled after completely giving up on yourself, life and any chance of ever being happy? How do you change what and who you are?

I've been working on answering these questions for a while now. And as shocking as it is to me, I've actually come up with some answers. I read a bunch of different self help books, watched some movies, spent several years in therapy. Climbed inside my own head to see what I could find. I've meditated, I've thought, I've pondered. And I've learned.

I've learned that wallowing in self pity is absolutely pointless. It serves no productive purpose. In fact, it is quite destructive. Self pity consumes a lot of energy and creates only negativity. Negativity is a trap, a very deep and dangerous one. And when you live with depression it's even easier to slip into.

So what is the antithesis to self pity? Finding solutions. Being proactive. Creating change. You know what needs to be done, you know what you should do. That instinct, that gut feeling, it's usually right, you just have to learn to trust it. Learn to be positive and make your happiness a priority. It's OK to be a little selfish on occasion, to put yourself first. What you want, what you need. If you won't do it no one will do it for you. Most importantly never, ever give up. Not on your self, not on your future, not on your dreams or ambitions. Never stop trying.

Learn to be honest with yourself. About everything. What is the point of no being honest to your own self? Be honest about what you want. Why do you want it? Is it what you want or what someone else wants you to want? I have had to learn to be myself, genuinely and proudly. I am who I am. And I'm OK with that. Yes, there are things I'm working on changing, but I accept those things about me. I don't deny them. I don't lie to myself about them.

I have learned to be true to myself. To be honest. To understand what I need, what I want. I am facing my problems head on instead of ignoring them or accepting them as the way things have to be. I did that for most of my life. I lived in a constant state of depression because I accepted that it was the norm. That there was no way to change the way I was. I did the same with my size. I simply accepted it. There is a subtle difference between accepting yourself for who and what you are knowing that you have the ability to change if you want and simply accepting things and giving up without hope.

I have also learned to be honest about what I want. For the most part anyway. I'm still a work in progress. But if you want it, the only way to get it is to admit that you want it. If you want to be healthy, if you want to be happy, admit it. Be up front about it. It's ok. Don't let fear stop you. I did for a long time. Fear is dangerous and healthy at the same time.

Fear can stop you from doing something completely bone headed. You don't jump of a cliff because you fear what would happen. But at the same time you don't change a bad habit because you fear what it would be like to change. I spent most of my life fearing things. Fearing to change, fearing to be who and what I really wanted. Don't let fear stop you from being who you want to be.

Habits can be changed, broken, stopped all together. How much of life is just a habit? I ate poorly because it was a habit. I ate quickly because it was a habit. I don't exercise enough because it's a habit. I think the way I do because of habit. The wonderful thing about habits is they aren't permanent, or at least they don't have to be. They can be changed.

Here is another little tidbit I picked up along the way. Say yes to contentment and no to complacency. And know the difference. That's the hard part. I've spent a great deal of my life being complacent. Not much of it being content. At least not honestly. I have spent much time telling myself lies and convincing myself they where the truth. I'm not sure I know yet how to be content.

Another is; be tough on yourself, but not cruel.I have spent many years being cruel to myself, in more ways than one. Constantly beating myself up for things I had no control over and for many that I did. Hating myself for my choices and the consequences of those choices. I have beat myself bloody from the inside out. I am working on stopping that. I have to learn to hold myself accountable for those things I can control, but not to take the whip to myself. It's not as easy as it sounds. Many years of habit. I'm working on being kinder to my self.

So, here are a few more things I've learned along the way. Some I struggle with every single day, others come easier with time and still others I have yet to tackle.

• Be honest about what you want
• Don't let fear stop you
• Be positive
• Change bad habits instead of accepting them
• Find balance in all things
• Consistency is the key to change
• Take the first step, that's the only way you're going to get anywhere 
• Appreciate and enjoy life. It's far to short to spend miserable
• Learn continuously 
• Be proactive, not complacent
•  Find what you love and do it
• Every problem has a solution

I can be the person I want to be and so can you.