Self-esteem answers the question, “How do I feel about who I am?” We learn self-esteem in our family of origin; we do not inherit it.""
""Kids with low self-esteem can find challenges to be sources of major anxiety and frustration. Those who think poorly of themselves have a hard time finding solutions to problems. If given to self-critical thoughts such as "I'm no good" or "I can't do anything right," they may become passive, withdrawn, or depressed. Faced with a new challenge, their immediate response might be "I can't."""
Something I have learned about myself recently, or maybe I should say that I accepted, is that for most of my life I had very little if any self esteem. I never realized just how much that can affect a person. I always pretended to be sure of myself and confident when I was actually scared to death most of the time. I never learned to believe in myself when I was a child. I was too busy coping with the constant change and chaos in my life. More moves than I can count. I was in a constant state of catch up. Constantly adjusting or wondering when everything was going to change again.
After a while I just quit adjusting, what was the point really. I started to think of myself as a thing that didn't matter. My parents tried the best the knew how, that though was the problem, they simply didn't know how. So over the years I developed a very negative view of myself. I was constantly the new kid. I never had the "cool" clothes or toys or what ever. I was always bigger than other people my age. And I got teased mercilessly for it. No matter how many times you say to yourself they're only words, I don't care what others think and all the other things we tell ourselves, when you hear it long enough and loud enough you start to believe it. When you don't get told any different at home you start to believe it. And when you give up at 12 years old, well, it sets you on a very difficult path. One I am still straying onto on occasion.
I never learned self esteem as a child. I learned the opposite. The answer to the question "How do I feel about who I am"? I wanted to disappear. I at times wished I was dead or that I would just float away, never to be seen again. I hated myself. I could never find any solutions to the problem life sent my way. My "solution" was one I learned from my father. Move. Leave. Run away from it. It will be better someplace else. I always told myself it was the people around me. It was everyone else's fault, what had I done.
Over time, not much time, it happened fairly fast, I became depressed, withdrawn, passive. I floated through life. I felt nothing, cared about nothing and I filled myself with food. That was, after all, something I had control over. Food gave me something to feel. So I ate. I didn't deserve anything else. After all, I was useless. A burden. A drag to be around. No one liked me, I didn't fit in anyplace. Everyone was out to get me. I was a very sad, very negative person who constantly turned to the one friend I had, food. Food was always there for me. Ready to fill me up.
And then I realized that I didn't have to live the way I have most of my life. I'm not sure exactly when I realized this. It's one of those things that sinks in kind of slow. Has lots of layers and years of practice to sift through. Like water in a sand filter. I realized that self esteem, like self confidence, like caring about self, like living, can be learned any time. Granted, it's a hell of a lot harder later in life than it would be as a child, but it can be done.
They are all connected. All the aspects of ones self. Esteem, confidence, respect, the will and desire to live a full life. One builds on the other and all together they form the self that is. If you don't have one, like a building lacking a corner stone, all the others fall over. And if, like me, you made it through life lacking several, well, you're lucky, as I am, to still be around. But there is also hope. These essential blocks of self can be built. It takes time, it takes determination and it takes patience, but it can be done. I'm proof of that.
Starting with self esteem is as good a place as any. I read someplace that there are 6 pillars of self esteem. And some of them make a great deal of sense to me. As someone who has spent life lacking greatly in these things, I can completely understand how they can help achieve the goal of better self worth.
The first is to live consciously. I spent a large portion of my life on auto pilot. So out of touch with things that I don't even remember large blocks of time. As my shrink once told me, I was in the trunk of the car instead of the drivers seat. I was detached to the point that at times I felt like I was watching my body and my life as an observer, like a movie. All I lacked was the 7 dollar popcorn. I have managed to pull myself back together and be aware of my surroundings, of my actions, of my choices and the consequences there of. I am, again, or maybe for the first time, consciously living my life.
Then we have self acceptance. This is a hard one to explain. It's not acceptance followed by acquiescence, it's acceptance followed by options. I am what I am, but am I happy with what I am? I accept who I am, but I also accept that I can change who I am. To a point. I can change that I am morbidly obese. I accept that it's true, I also accept that it's possible to change that truth.
And that brings us to self responsibility. I am responsible for my choices. For my actions. For the results of those actions. I am morbidly obese because of the choices I made in life. I can change that by changing the choices.
Self assertiveness. Drive. Ambition. Goals. Wanting to accomplish something or change something. Without being assertive you're just along for the ride. Letting the world push you where it will. I wasn't assertive and life tried pretty damn hard to push me into an early grave.
Something I try to remember but often forget. We view the past through a very distorted lens. Some glamorize it while others villainize it. I see the past very differently than my parents do. But then I have to remember that past is exactly that, past. It can't be changed, only learned from.
I pose to you this question; Since death alone is certain and the time of its arrival uncertain, what should I do? You could die tomorrow, do you really want to spend today wallowing in self pity and feeling bad about your past choices? I did, for way to many years of my life.
""Kids with low self-esteem can find challenges to be sources of major anxiety and frustration. Those who think poorly of themselves have a hard time finding solutions to problems. If given to self-critical thoughts such as "I'm no good" or "I can't do anything right," they may become passive, withdrawn, or depressed. Faced with a new challenge, their immediate response might be "I can't."""
Possessing little self-regard can lead people to become depressed, to fall short of their potential, or to tolerate abusive situations and relationships.
Something I have learned about myself recently, or maybe I should say that I accepted, is that for most of my life I had very little if any self esteem. I never realized just how much that can affect a person. I always pretended to be sure of myself and confident when I was actually scared to death most of the time. I never learned to believe in myself when I was a child. I was too busy coping with the constant change and chaos in my life. More moves than I can count. I was in a constant state of catch up. Constantly adjusting or wondering when everything was going to change again.
After a while I just quit adjusting, what was the point really. I started to think of myself as a thing that didn't matter. My parents tried the best the knew how, that though was the problem, they simply didn't know how. So over the years I developed a very negative view of myself. I was constantly the new kid. I never had the "cool" clothes or toys or what ever. I was always bigger than other people my age. And I got teased mercilessly for it. No matter how many times you say to yourself they're only words, I don't care what others think and all the other things we tell ourselves, when you hear it long enough and loud enough you start to believe it. When you don't get told any different at home you start to believe it. And when you give up at 12 years old, well, it sets you on a very difficult path. One I am still straying onto on occasion.
I never learned self esteem as a child. I learned the opposite. The answer to the question "How do I feel about who I am"? I wanted to disappear. I at times wished I was dead or that I would just float away, never to be seen again. I hated myself. I could never find any solutions to the problem life sent my way. My "solution" was one I learned from my father. Move. Leave. Run away from it. It will be better someplace else. I always told myself it was the people around me. It was everyone else's fault, what had I done.
Over time, not much time, it happened fairly fast, I became depressed, withdrawn, passive. I floated through life. I felt nothing, cared about nothing and I filled myself with food. That was, after all, something I had control over. Food gave me something to feel. So I ate. I didn't deserve anything else. After all, I was useless. A burden. A drag to be around. No one liked me, I didn't fit in anyplace. Everyone was out to get me. I was a very sad, very negative person who constantly turned to the one friend I had, food. Food was always there for me. Ready to fill me up.
And then I realized that I didn't have to live the way I have most of my life. I'm not sure exactly when I realized this. It's one of those things that sinks in kind of slow. Has lots of layers and years of practice to sift through. Like water in a sand filter. I realized that self esteem, like self confidence, like caring about self, like living, can be learned any time. Granted, it's a hell of a lot harder later in life than it would be as a child, but it can be done.
They are all connected. All the aspects of ones self. Esteem, confidence, respect, the will and desire to live a full life. One builds on the other and all together they form the self that is. If you don't have one, like a building lacking a corner stone, all the others fall over. And if, like me, you made it through life lacking several, well, you're lucky, as I am, to still be around. But there is also hope. These essential blocks of self can be built. It takes time, it takes determination and it takes patience, but it can be done. I'm proof of that.
Starting with self esteem is as good a place as any. I read someplace that there are 6 pillars of self esteem. And some of them make a great deal of sense to me. As someone who has spent life lacking greatly in these things, I can completely understand how they can help achieve the goal of better self worth.
The first is to live consciously. I spent a large portion of my life on auto pilot. So out of touch with things that I don't even remember large blocks of time. As my shrink once told me, I was in the trunk of the car instead of the drivers seat. I was detached to the point that at times I felt like I was watching my body and my life as an observer, like a movie. All I lacked was the 7 dollar popcorn. I have managed to pull myself back together and be aware of my surroundings, of my actions, of my choices and the consequences there of. I am, again, or maybe for the first time, consciously living my life.
Then we have self acceptance. This is a hard one to explain. It's not acceptance followed by acquiescence, it's acceptance followed by options. I am what I am, but am I happy with what I am? I accept who I am, but I also accept that I can change who I am. To a point. I can change that I am morbidly obese. I accept that it's true, I also accept that it's possible to change that truth.
And that brings us to self responsibility. I am responsible for my choices. For my actions. For the results of those actions. I am morbidly obese because of the choices I made in life. I can change that by changing the choices.
Self assertiveness. Drive. Ambition. Goals. Wanting to accomplish something or change something. Without being assertive you're just along for the ride. Letting the world push you where it will. I wasn't assertive and life tried pretty damn hard to push me into an early grave.
Something I try to remember but often forget. We view the past through a very distorted lens. Some glamorize it while others villainize it. I see the past very differently than my parents do. But then I have to remember that past is exactly that, past. It can't be changed, only learned from.
I pose to you this question; Since death alone is certain and the time of its arrival uncertain, what should I do? You could die tomorrow, do you really want to spend today wallowing in self pity and feeling bad about your past choices? I did, for way to many years of my life.
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