Why now?

I've been asking myself this question a lot recently. Trying to figure out just what has changed with me to change so much the way I want to live. I have spent most of my life as a larger person. And most of that time I pretended I was fine with it, that it didn't bother me. And I suppose to some extent that was true. When you are buried under a blanker of depression you don't care about much of anything, certainly not personal health. When you struggle regularly to find reasons to keep getting out of bed, going on a diet seems rather pointless. When you are struggling to make in through the week you certainly don't worry about next year.

I think a large number of people who are obese also suffer some form of depression. Sometimes it's much more subtle than others, but it's still there. My depression was far from subtle, at least to people who knew what to look for. I faked it pretty well off and on over the years but in the end the depression would always come back and swallow me whole. And that is what has changed in me. That's the biggest part of it anyway. I have finally, after so many years, gotten a handle on the depression. Yes, it's still there and always will be, but it doesn't rule my life anymore. Living doesn't feel pointless and death welcome. I don't climb in bed and hope not to wake up. I actually want to live and enjoy life. I want to be able to do all those things I've put off for so many years because of my size and health. I've survived, now I want to live.

The first step, of many to come, is to get my body back. To get myself healthy again. To get to a weight that is sustainable and that allows me the mobility I so desperately miss. I wish it was easy for me, but it's a daily struggle. It's a struggle with pain, with staying motivated, with fighting the constant tug of depression. I have to focus on the goal, on what is I want and why I want it. I can't stay lost in the past and I can't succumb to the abyss of depression. Not again, not ever again.

So what did change in me? I decided that if I was going to kill myself I should just get it over with and if I wasn't then I needed to change things and get better. I took a good hard long look at my life and decided that, as miserable as I was at that point in time, I still wanted to live. I wanted to see my children grow up. I wanted to accomplish something. I wanted to see more and do more. So I took the first step in what is going to be a very very long walk.

I look at where I am and where I want to be and at times it seems so very far away. But then I look at where I was a couple years ago and realize just how far I've come from that dark place. If I can make it this far then I can keep going.