The life of Rain: Habits

It is easier to prevent bad habits than to break them.
~Benjamin Franklin

We all have them. Some good, many bad. We form them from birth. Using a toilet instead of the floor is a habit. Chewing your nails is another. Brushing your teeth and bathing every day is yet another. Many of our habits are so routine we no longer think about them. When you get in your car and put on your seatbelt without a seconds thought, that's a habit. When you sit at your desk and munch on junk food, that's another. Not all habits are bad, but the bad ones seem often to be the easiest to form and the hardest to stop. Ever smoke? Ever try to quit?

Your life today is essentially the sum of your habits.

How in shape or out of shape you are? A result of your habits.

How happy or unhappy you are? A result of your habits.

How successful or unsuccessful you are? A result of your habits.

~James Clear

Have you ever just stopped and wondered why you do the things you do? What caused you to make that choice or commit to that action? What instigated that particular response? It's usually habit. Why do we eat what we eat? Habit. Why do we get up when we do, do the things we do every day? Habit. Pay attention to how you get dressed, or how you shower, or how and what you cook. It's all habits. Habits we rarely choose to change. Change is frightening. If I take a different route to work what could possibly happen? I could be late, I know how long this route takes me. I could get lost and then be late. Or I could discover something new and exciting. Humans like routines. We learn them from a very young age and tend to stick with them until we die. Unfortunately some of those ingrained routines bring about our demise much sooner than we expect. So how do we change them? How do we replace a bad habit with a good one?

Psychologists define a habit as learned actions that are triggered automatically when we encounter the situation in which we’ve repeatedly done those actions. The human brain is constantly striving for more efficiency. It is, after all, working from the moment we're born to the moment we die. It's responsible for everything we do, from breathing to defecating. We don't think about it when we breath, or when we blink. In fact, we don't consciously think about many of the things we do every day. They're habits. Our mind makes them such so it can be busy doing other things. What are you thinking about when you drive? Not the actual act of driving. What are you thinking about when you eat? Not the act of eating. Not usually. And that is the crux of the problem right there. When we learn a new habit we start to do it without thinking about it. When you're a smoker you don't think about the fact that every time you go outside you put a cigarette in your mouth. Or when you drive you do the same. It's not until you become purposefully aware of your actions that you begin to change them. The same is true of everything we do.

Every habit you have — good or bad — follows the same 3–step pattern.

Cue (the trigger that initiates the behavior)
Routine (the behavior itself; the action you take)
Reward (the benefit you gain from doing the behavior)

If you want to change the habit, change one of those three things. If hunger is the cue and the routine is fast food, what's the reward? A full belly in a hurry and little initial expense? What comes after the initial reward though? Can you get the same reward with a different routine? Probably. Is it easy? No! The key is to think past the initial reward. It's a birthday party, that's the cue. Eating the cake is the routine. Having a belly full of cake and that initial sugar rush is the reward. But what comes after that for many of us? Another slice of cake. Because we want that instant reward again. And again. Especially those of us with addictive personalities. Is there anything wrong with having one piece of cake at a birthday party? No. Is there something wrong with having three? You tell me. How do you feel an hour later? Good habits have long lasting, positive rewards. The problem is that often those rewards aren't immediate. Many bad habits provide instant, if fleeting, gratification. With often long term consequences. We like instant gratification don't we? But how often do we actually think, really think, about the long term consequences for that instant gratification?

The simplest way to form a new habit is to create a new cue. That's how we teach animals and children, that's how we can teach ourselves. Cues are simply reminders. A good reminder does not rely on motivation or memory or habit, it simply cues you to do something. I pack my gym bag every evening and leave my notebook on my desk with my phone and my pills on it. Every morning I see my gym bag waiting for me and it reminds me to go to the gym. Every morning I see the log book and it reminds me of what I am doing at the gym and just how far I've come. Going to the gym is now a habit. One I enjoy.

But first you need a motivation to change a given habit. And that brings us back to the long term consequences versus the initial reward. Drinking is fun, it helps us relax, it makes us the life of the party (or so we think). We aren't thinking about the hangover the next day while hanging out at the club with friends. We aren't thinking about what we're doing to our liver, or what could happen if we make poor life choices while inebriated. How many people took that first drink on Friday night knowing they'd be driving drunk later and killing someone? Or waking up in the drunk tank? Or with some random person? Or not waking up at all? But that didn't stop them from ordering their favorite drink the instant they stepped in the door, because that's the cue. It's not until you stop and think about the consequences that you become motivated to change. And some people it takes even more than that. I had to hit 600 pounds and lose my mind. It wasn't until personal hygiene became a very real issue and I could no longer fit in a car that I finally decided to make a change. Now, I will say that finding motivation to do ANYTHING is far more difficult when you live with depression. Getting out of bed can be a struggle. But it is possible. Especially when you start to form better habits.

Bad habits interrupt your life and prevent you from accomplishing your goals. They jeopardize your health — both mentally and physically. And they waste your time and energy.

~James Clear

In order to change a habit you must first understand what made it a habit to begin with. This can be really damn hard and time consuming. Finally understanding why I was over eating and not exercising took several years. Deciding to change it took even longer. Accepting and understanding what caused my habits to form was the first step in changing them. Finding the motivation to change them was the second. You need to know the why. Why did it become a habit and why do you want to change it?

That often requires some critical thinking and a large dose of reality. If you keep binge drinking every weekend what is going to happen to your body, your life, your future? If you hit 600 pounds, what is going to happen if you keep eating? Are you OK with that? If you are, if you truly are, then carry on. Or just kill yourself now and be done with it. That is the end goal isn't it? Avoidance and death? Bad habits all have a purpose. Avoidance, an attempt at fulfillment, slow suicide. There are many reasons for them, the point is, you have to discover what your reason is. That's really the very first step in changing it. And then you need to find all the reasons to change that habit. Do you want to live longer? Do you want to be able to play with your kids? Fit in your car? Change jobs? Make your relationship work or find one? These are all the things that motivate you to change. Some people call it a "Why list". Get clear in your mind what the benefits are of making a change. If making a change rationally seems good but it doesn’’t feel good, it won’’t stick. Emotions have more power than many of us realize.

Imagine what will happen if you don't change a bad habit. It's a great motivator. Imagine hitting 600 pounds and not being able to do, well, pretty much anything. Imagine dragging an oxygen tank around with you if you keep smoking. Or simply not being able to breath. Imagine the lives of your children without you (that's one thing that kept me from suicide more than once). Or simply imagine going to bed every single day hoping you won't wake up in the morning. Personally I don't need to imagine, I survived it. And never, ever getting to that point again is a huge motivator for me. When I crave junk food, or pizza, or chocolate or any of the other foods I've gone to in the past, I simply remember what it did to me and how much I despised my life. Change doesn't always feel good, not at first anyway. Going to the gym every day hurts sometimes. There are days I'd much rather come home, park my ass in front of my computer and not move, but I know where that road ends. So I'm changing that habit and replacing it with a healthier one. Conversely, imagining what will happen when you change a bad habit to a good one is equally motivating. Imagine fitting in decent clothes, or a small car. Imagine finally being able to take that flight without buying two seats. Or playing with your kids without worrying you're going to die from the effort. Imagine that person you like finally noticing you, or getting that promotion or new job. Imagine being able to walk through the store on your own instead of riding an electric cart and enduring the looks and snide comments. We all formed our habits for reasons, we can all find reasons to change them.