Depression, it sucks

Depression is a lot like chronic pain, people don't know you have it unless you them. You look fine from the outside and on most days you can fake it pretty well. And then there are the days you can't. And they suck. Also, much like chronic pain, there's not a hell of a lot you can do about it. Meds can mask the symptoms but never make them go away completely. Meds will mask chronic pain but never make it go away completely. It's the gift that keeps on giving. And that right there is, for me, one of the hardest aspects of depressions to deal with. I know I have it, I know I will always have it and I know there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I don't have nearly as many bad days as I once did. I have learned how to survive with it. But it's not going away.

Depression is living in a deep, dark ocean. There are stormy days when the waves crash against the rocks in an attempt to destroy them and there are days when it's flat and calm, almost frozen. But the waves are always moving. The only way to keep afloat is to ride them. The problem is there's a giant hole in the bottom of the boat you're trying to plug with one foot while rowing with one arm and bailing the water with the other. It's exhausting simply keeping yourself from sinking. And sometimes sinking seems like such a wonderful idea. To stop the struggle and simply allow the ocean to devour you. And then the storm settles, the seas calm and the boat keeping you afloat is almost empty of water. The sun comes out for an hour or day and you think "this is nice", forgetting there's another storm brewing on the horizon.

Several years of therapy helped me live with depression. Or more accurately, to survive with it. To accept it for what it is. To surf the waves instead of floundering in them. But it's still a struggle. I hate the way it makes me feel. And I hate knowing why I feel the way I do and that there's not a thing  I can do other than ride the waves and bail the boat. It affects every aspect of my life. My sleep, my pain level, my hunger. It eviscerates my motivation and gives me the urge to bury everything under a mountain of food. Old habits die hard. It makes me want to climb in bed and ignore the world but robs me of my ability to sleep.