Most people feel sad or low at some point in their lives. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:
- Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
- Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
- Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
- Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others)
- Restlessness or feeling slowed down
- Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
- Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)
If you've ever heard that phrase "my give a damn is busted" you've heard a pretty accurate description of clinical depression. It makes everything hard. And I mean everything. Hard to get out of bed in the morning, hard to go to sleep at night. Hard to function in the daytime, to find motivation, to simply function. You have no drive, no ambition, no will to do much of anything other than exist. Constantly tired, annoyed, even angry for no tangible reason. The thought of doing what others do every day is as daunting as climbing Everest in the winter wearing nothing but shorts. Frankly it sucks.
I've dealt with it my entire life and up until a few years ago really had no idea what it was or why I felt the way I did. I always knew there was something "wrong" with me but no one ever bothered to explain it to me and I didn't know how to find the answers. When you wake up every day and wish you hadn't, when you spend your free time thinking of all the different ways you could end your life, you know you have a problem. It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally realized just how bad the problem was and decided to do something about it. And I still wish there was more I could do. While I, for the most part, don't sit and contemplate ending my life, I do struggle every single day to keep going. Some are better than others, I have the occasional good day. But it's something I know will never go away, I can only learn to live with it. And that is the struggle, to live, not simply to survive. There is a difference. To exist only requires breathing another day, it takes little effort. To live though, that is much more difficult when you have depression.
I recently turned 42 and I realized what simply surviving had done to me, how it affected every aspect of my life. Jobs, choices, relationships, more choices. Moving here and moving there and making more choices. Gaining weight and allowing my health to deteriorate to the point it did. For me, as I get older self reflection becomes easier and I find that I'm much more honest with myself than I was earlier in life. In the moment I would almost always find a way to blame anyone or anything other than myself for my choices and actions. When leaving a job or a lover or a location, it was always some outside force that made it necessary, never me. When you survive with depression it's very difficult to be honest with yourself. When you simply don't care, or can't care, it's easy to "go with the flow". Or at least that's why I always told myself. Just go with it, don't fight for it, that would take effort. Just move on, float away. Ship the oars and let life take you where it will. Even if it's straight off a cliff.
So here I am at 42, learning to live for the first time in my existence. I've conquered the majority of my demons, I've accepted who and what I am, I've addressed my many issues and while I still struggle with some of them every day I can now recognize them for what they are. I have finally, after entirely too many years of saying "fuck it", made a commitment to my health, both physical and mental. Now what? What do I do with the rest of my life? At 42 I feel like my options are somewhat limited. My choices brought me to where I am today and I can't change that, what I can control is my future. And I have no idea what to do with it. I still struggle with the "give a damn", I still struggle with the depression. And I know I always will. But I have built the tools to work with it instead of fighting it or simply floating along. Yet I have no idea what to do. I lack direction, as I always have. The difference is that these days I have children and wife. I have responsibilities and commitments. I can't simply say fuck it and float away until I finally bump ashore someplace. It's time to put the oars back in the water and pick a direction.
I am, above all else, a father. My children are the number one priority in my life and I know that I need to do something to give them the future and the life I was never given. My children are the primary reason I'm alive today and certainly the number one motivation for finally addressing my issues. I wanted to be here for them, both physically and mentally. I make that my goal every single day. But there is more to life than just my kids. And my kids, they want to do things, to get out of the house, to play. And those things are often a struggle. I still find myself wanting to hide, to ignore, to be left alone. I know why I feel that way and sometimes I catch myself in time to adjust, but not all the time. I think about going back to work and I wonder if I can. Sometimes I miss it, having a place to go every day and something to do. My daily workouts at the gym help with that to some extent, but that costs me money, I'd like to actually make some. I wonder, given my past choices would anyone even offer me a job? Would I manage to keep it? I don't have the best record when it comes to that.
So at this point I have no idea what direction to go or what I want to do. I shall continue to focus on my children and on my health. I shall continue to visit the gym 5 days a week and eat better so that I can feel better. And maybe, just maybe an idea will works its way into my head one of these days.
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