Once again I get to spend Christmas not feeling good. Seems like almost every year I get sick for my birthday. I know that my health has steadily gotten worse over the last few years. I've always been fat, but damn, this is getting out of control. I hurt constantly, I can't sit, stand or even lay down in the same position for any length of time. I can't walk very far without having to stop and rest. Stairs are a nightmare for me. My knees hurt, my feet hurt, my back hurts. Everything hurts.
I went to see a surgeon the other day about a growth (lump) I have on my backside and all the little bastard did was lecture me on being overweight and smoking. Like I don't know I'm fat and need to lose weight? Like I'm not faced with that fact every minute of every day?
It's gotten bad lately. I just don't feel good, at all, any of the time. The pain has gone from annoying to constant and sometimes excruciating. I'm scared at this point, I know if I don't turn it around I'll be dead before I'm 40. I need to fix it but I don't know how. I have thought about gastric bypass surgery but my insurance won't cover it unless I'm diabetic and I can't afford it out of pocket. I know that if I exercised that would help but hell, it hurts to get out of my chair let alone do something physical. I would love to get a bowflex for my garage but certainly don't have the 2000$ they want for one of those. I'd join a gym but I know myself well enough to know I would never go. There is something about dragging my fat out of shape ass to work out with a bunch of gym rats that makes me feel even more self conscious than I already am.
I am making a goal for myself, a promise to myself and more importantly, my children, by this time next year I will lose at leat 100 pounds. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to do it. I want my life back, I want to be able to be active again. I want to not be embarassed to go out in public. I want to be able to walk without feeling like I'm going to die. I want to be able to sit on a piece of furniture and not have to wonder if it's going to hold my weight and break under me. I want to be able to buy clothes in a regular store. Most importantly though, I want to have the energy to play with my kids, I want to be healthy enough to know that I'm still going to be alive to watch them both graduate highschool.
Perhaps I will have to find a way to pay for surgery, of find the money to put a bowflex in the garage, something. There has to be a way for me to do, I need to find my motivation and keep it. I need to find my drive and determination I seem to have lost several years ago. I need to climb out of the hole I've been living in for way to long and get my life back. Maybe all that therapy is finally paying off, I don't know. Or maybe, it's the fact that every night lately when I lay down to go to sleep, I wonder if I'm going to wake up in the morning or if this is the night my heart finally pops on me. Will this be the night the sleep apnea takes me out? Or will I live another day in pain?
When you have to take pain killers just to be able to sleep, you have issues. When going to the bathroom causes you to be out of breath, you have issues. When you don't go to stores you can't park directly in front of because it hurts to bad to walk across the parking lot, you have issues. Yep, I have issues. I will fix them, I must fix them. I am going to fix them. I just have to figure out how.
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