Exhaustion.

How many times in life have you reached that point where you are just completely and utterly exhausted? I know over the last few years of my life I have gotten to that point numerous times. Always for reasons I didn't understand. Sleep apnia, depression, massive amounts of stress. They all added up.

Now, I understand those reasons. I'm aware of them and what they do to me. But this has been different the last several days. This has been a full body, mind and spirit exhaustion. A feeling of being completely drained. Not caused by depression or poor sleep. Not even caused by stress. It seems to be caused by a great deal of inner reflection. Of thought. Of contemplation of past, present and future. Of thinking about the now and the later. It's tiring. Truly.

It's funny to me when I sit and think about my past. The places I've been, the things I've experienced. I've always focused on the negative and never given the positive much thought at all. Until now. All things considered I've had a pretty god damn awesome life. I can't believe it's taken me this many years to finally realize that. I've seen and done things most people only hear about or see on television.

I forgot where I was going with this. I tend to get side tracked, not only in writing, but in life. In thinking, in living, in relationships. Easily distracted? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm still looking for something I have yet to find. A purpose to it all. I just don't know.

One of many reasons for me deciding to fix my self, my body, my health is because I have so many things I still want to do. I don't have a bucket list, I have a life list. But in order to do those things I have to first be alive and second be able to move. So the mission to better my health began.

The last several days I have slacked in that department. At least with the physical health. But I have come a long way mentally. Just to lay in bed, in a dark, cool, quiet room and think about.....everything. To let thoughts flow over me one by one. To be able to pull the thoughts out of nothing and work on them, like a puzzle. To find the peaces I thought lost long ago and put them in place. To put my mind back together. Exhausting. But oh so satisfying.

I know where I've been. I finally understand what it did to me and how it has affected my life, my decisions and my health. I accept the past. I know where I am and how I here. I know the choices I made, good and bad, to bring me to my current place in life. Some of it I wouldn't trade for the world. Some of it I wish I could simply erase. But I can't. I am here. I brought me here. I accept my present.

This leaves the future. So many possibilities. So many directions to go. So many choices to make. This is what leaves me exhausted of late. The future. The
uncertainty of it. The infinite possibilities. I feel like..........

I

 I'm at the base of this tree. The tree of life. And I have so many branches above me, waiting for me to climb them. But I have to choose carefully, some of the branches are not strong enough to support me. Others lead to nothing. Still others just bring you back to where you started. Some branches I have already traveled and know where they lead to. Unfortunately I failed to mark them when I traveled them.

Laying at the base of any other tree would be relaxing. Comforting. A nice way to spend a sunny afternoon in the spring. But staring up at the tree of life and wondering what branch you should take, exhausting. But at least I'm looking up now. Now it's time to go back to working on the body again. I think it's less exhausting.