Right? OK, so I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today. Just kind of looped from it all. Happens to me on occasion. In the past I would let it get to me and send me spiraling off into the depths of the hell that is depression. Now I take it for what it really is, a message to slow things down, pause, regroup, think and plan.
OK, what the hell was I gonna write in here. I had a thought, I lost it. That happens to me a lot. Maybe I should have been blond. Or maybe my brain is just full. Or maybe I have so much going on in my head that I can't keep things in order. Kind of like a messy garage.
Oh, I remember now. So I was thinking as I was laying in bed last night, about all that I've been through in my life. All the times I should have been dead or seriously injured and I walked away, mostly. Yes, I've got a collection of scars. Many of them. I've done some very stupid things and walked away, or in some cases crawled and then limped. But I'm still here. Why?
How have I survived all that I've seen? How am I still in mostly one piece? And why. I'm not a religious person at all. Not even a "spiritual" person. But I wonder, at this point in my life, what the reason is. Luck? I don't believe in luck. Skill? Hardly. Taking blows to the head takes no skill.
I don't know, I guess I'm missing something. Or have yet to experience something. All I know is, I've been through things that would have killed most people and I've survived. I've sunk very low and come close to suicide more times than I can count or care to think about. But I'm still here. I've experienced physical and mental pain that is indescribable and I'm still here. Am I just stubborn? I've been pushed to the edge of sanity and returned. More than once.
Another thing I've realized and accepted. I earned my aches and pains. I'm fat, but I know why. And I know what I need to do to fix that problem. One day at a time, one step at a time.
But I still feel like I'm missing something. I've felt that way most of my life. Like I should be doing something, but I don't know what that something is. I feel like a lost piece looking for the puzzle. That spot that I fit in perfectly. That spot that completes something. I yearn for that spot, but I know not where to look. It calls to me, but I am to far away to follow the sound.
1 comment:
I'm there to...well I'm somewhere not happy, don't know if its the same place or not. I want to motivate you and give you great advice but I got nothing right now to even give myself...other than, just keep going...pull through...That's what I keep saying to myself today...Im sad cause Im stuck and I don't know why and I have fears of what happened in the past nawing at me and bad thoughts getting in my head like why bother, your not getting any farther just like always....but I can't let myself go there so I close my minds eyes and stick my fingers in my minds ears and say LALALALA as I just keep on pushing through and I hope that when I open them again I will see some progress...but if I don't I'll shut them again and just keep going. That's all I got today...Fighting the feeling of defeat is taking all my focus. I am here though, and I am listening and I'm still fighting.
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