That Zen thing

Went to the pool today. I so needed that. The movement, the tired feeling, the muscles waking up to say hello, remember us. I walked the pool for over two hours. Up and down, down and up. Like mowing the same strip of lawn over and over again.

The more I walked the more I gained focus. And lost it at the same time. The things around me slowly faded into shadows as I walked up and down, down and up. I felt the water being pushed by my body. The bubbles and waves I made as I moved forward. And I walked.

As I walked I let my mind wander. I let thoughts float through my consciousness. Some floated through, hanging around for a while, other, like quick birds or fish, darted past with great speed. Gone before they completely formed. And I walked some more.

I have no idea how far I walked in distance. Mowing that section of pool, over and over again. I don't it even matters. I felt my body getting what it needed. And I walked and I thought. I had thoughts of the future and I had thoughts of the past. I had an occasional thought of the now. Mostly my thoughts were of the past and of the possible futures.

I walked, pushing a wall of water in front of me, like a leviathan rising from the sea, spreading destruction in front of me as I walked. I watched the wall of water grow as I increased my pace, fueled by memories and by possibilities. With each lap it seemed a different thought or memory would have it's turn. So I walked some more.

I enjoyed the feeling of the warm water supporting me as I walked. I enjoyed its caress as I pass through it, pushing it aside and to the front of me. Like my thoughts, the water flowed past. Or perhaps it was I flowing through the water. Not sure it matters. What matters are the thoughts. The memories. The possibilities for the future.

I thought about what it was like before, in my previous previous life. High school and before. Before the pain, before the world crushed my spirit and my hope. As I walked I felt the water removing the past from me and opening the future in front of me. Just on the other side of that wave I'm pushing. I thought about what I was once capable of doing. The miles long bike rides, the hikes up mountains. I thought about how far I could swim at one point in my life. And then I thought about how my weight slowly stole all that from me.

So I kept walking. I didn't get tired. I could feel my muscles start to complain, but I did not listen. I continued, up and down, down and up. Watching the wave as I pushed it faster and faster. I felt my knees complaining, but I did not listen to them, I walked some more. And I embraced the thoughts. The memories. And the anger. The anger at myself, at my family, at society. The anger I have stored for so many years.

As I walked, I felt the water slowly wash away the anger and bitterness and replace it with something strange, something different, something I don't remember ever really feeling before. I had to think about this new feeling as I walking. Up and down, down and up. What is this emotion. Hope. A feeling of hope. A positive outlook on the future. So I kept walking.

As I walked up and down and down and up I felt new thoughts, new ideas flow into me. Hope for my future. Desire to change. Need to change. I walked for over two hours today. In the water up to my shoulders. Up and down the pool, lap after lap. I to breath after breath deep into my lungs, taking in each new thought or memory with each deep breath.

I think it was a real Zen thing. One of those moments in time that create change. Change in me at least.