memories

Seattle from the sound

If this is your boat, I hate you

M/V Island Spirit

The Island Spirit. Regrettably, one of the many bridges I've burned in my past. I had some great times and great friends on this boat and some days I miss her terribly.

Coupeville, Washington

Mt, Hood

Contemplations

I have many regrets in my life. Anyone who doesn't is either delusional or very very sheltered. One of them is that I never documented my many travels. Of course it didn't occur to me at the time, I was in survival mode. When you bounce from place to place with no real thought you don't realize what you are experiencing until later.

Sitka, Alaska looking north

True, I have my memories. Such as they are. But few photos, it never interested me to write about any of the places I've been. Who would want to read about such things anyway? I never thought I would have kids that could benefit from any of it. I never thought I was getting anything out of it. Until now.

I miss traveling. I miss experiencing new and interesting things and places and people. I miss the feeling of adventure it creates within me.

I have no interest in repeating the life of my father, to wander for years, in a giant circle, searching for only he knows what. I want to travel with a destination, with a plan, with a camera or 5. I want to see things I have yet to see, go places I have yet to go. Or perhaps I simply want to go. That very well could be it.

Chignik, Alaska

I have such anticipation for our move to Florida. Because of the destination, because of the chance for new beginnings and drastic change, but mostly for the trip. The things to see along the way, the places to go. The possible experiences. This is what I look forward to.

Oregon coast

I think of all that I've seen and all that I wish I had caught on camera. Orca slapping the stern of the boat with its tail. I was close enough to touch it. The northern lights. Calving glaciers. Places so far from light that you could see billions of stars and understand how man once felt so small.

I've seen the city lights, the northern lights, the green flash of light, the lights from the ocean and the lights in the ocean. How many can say that? I've watched fish swim in glowing water and swam in water so deep the bottom could not be seen.

Oregon Coast Aquarium

I got so completely lost in myself the last few years, lost in the struggle to survive, in the day to day clusterfuck that my life has turned in to that I forgot what it is to live life, to enjoy life. Not simply to survive life.

So much time gets spent on the little shit, on the stress, on the bills, on all the shit that really doesn't matter in the end. When we die does it matter how many cars are in the garage if you never took the time to drive them?

Hendricks Park, Eugene Oregon

So now begins the struggle in earnest, the struggle to get healthy. The struggle to begin    living life again. Because I want to. I want to drive my cars, not watch them collect dust.

medication continued

So it's been almost 7 days since I changed my meds. Now, in that 7 days I've fought one hell of a head cold, so results could be a little off. I stopped taking the Abilify (2mg) and, surprise surprise, the muscle pain and aches seem to have, for the most part, returned to what I normally deal with it. Now, that in and of its self is great news. While I still hurt, it's a hurt that I've dealt with most of my life and not the extreme that I've been dealing with for that last two months. No more feeling like I got ran over by a train, just a truck.

And on top of that, without taking that goddam gabapenton, I feel much more normal. The fog has lifted. I can think again, thoughts are coherent. I don't have brain stutter any more. That stuff is horrible! I can't believe how much better I feel being off of it.

OK, so yes, I still have issues with my feet but between the acupuncture, capcacin gel and TENS unit, it's  controllable, mostly. It does flair up on occasion and suddenly feel like my feet are aflame, but that goes away after a few minutes. And quite frankly, given the alternative, I'm willing to deal with it.

I am still taking the lexapro and the welbutrin. I'm still afraid to stop them. I think I may need them for the rest of my time here on earth to keep me in the land of the relatively sane. I would not want to re-experience the month plus of anxiety, nor go back into the depression. I don't think I  would make it out again.

It is just another reminder. Well, two actually. First, drugs are simply a band aid. Secondly, I seem blessed with a very.....unique body chemistry. I am the one that experiences all those side effects they have to list on the advertisements. You know, that .01% that has something funky happen. That's me.

It's not just prescription drugs, it's all drugs. And alcohol too. When the doctors ask me if I have allergies I say no, but I get cool side effects, let's see what happens with this one.

I have an appointment with my med provider on Wednesday, that should make for an interesting conversation.

to medicate or not to medicate

At this point that truly is the question. It has gotten to the point where the negative aspects of the medications I'm on are starting to out weigh the benefits. So, the decision has been made, by me, to cut out as many of the meds as I can.

It's day 3 now and my feet are on fire off an on but I actually feel awake and not stoned for the first time in a couple months. I stopped taking the Abilify and my muscles are starting to feel better already. I weighed myself and realized I've gained 30 pounds since I started taking it. 30 lbs, on a man who's already morbidly obese.

I just hope I don't slide backwards with my sanity.

Abilify is a great drug. It works very well. The problem is serious side effects may include:

• An increased risk of stroke and ministroke have been reported in clinical studies of elderly people with dementia-related psychosis
• High fever, stiff muscles, confusion, sweating, changes in pulse, heart rate, and blood pressure may be signs of a condition called
  neuroleptic malignant syndrome (NMS), a rare and serious condition that can lead to death
• Increases in blood sugar levels (hyperglycemia) can happen in some people who take ABILIFY. Extremely high blood sugar can lead to coma or death. If you havediabetes, or risk factors (for example, obesity, family history of diabetes), or have the following symptoms: increases in thirst, urination, or hunger, feel weak or tired, sick to your stomach, or confused (or breath smells fruity), your blood sugar should be monitored
• Changes in cholesterol and triglyceride (fat, also called lipids) levels in the blood have been seen in patients taking medicines like ABILIFY
• Weight gain has been reported in patients taking medicines like ABILIFY so your weight should be checked regularly. Weight gain in children (ages 6 to 17) should be compared against that expected with normal growth
• ABILIFY and medicines like it have been associated with difficulty swallowing which may lead to aspiration or choking
• Uncontrollable movements of face, tongue, or other parts of body, as these may be signs of a serious condition called tardive dyskinesia (TD). TD may not go away, even if you stop taking ABILIFY. TD may also start after you stop taking ABILIFY
• Orthostatic hypotension (decreased blood pressure) or lightheadedness or fainting when rising too quickly from a sitting or lying position has been reported with ABILIFY
• Decreases in white blood cells (WBC; infection fighting cells) have been reported in some patients taking ABILIFY. Patients with a history of a significant decrease in WBC count or who have experienced a low WBC count due to drug therapy should have their blood tested and monitored during the first few months of therapy
• Seizures (convulsions) have been reported with ABILIFY. Tell your healthcare provider if you have a history of or are at risk for seizures
• ABILIFY and medicines like it can affect your judgment, thinking, or motor skills. You should not drive or operate hazardous machinery until you know how ABILIFY affects you
• Medicines like ABILIFY can impact your body’s ability to reduce body temperature; you should avoid overheating and dehydration
• Tell your healthcare provider if you are pregnant or intend to become pregnant. Also tell your healthcare provider about any other medical conditions you have and about all prescription and non-prescription medicines you are taking or plan to take since there are some risks for drug interactions

Gabapentin may cause side effects. Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:

• drowsiness
• tiredness or weakness
• dizziness
• headache
• uncontrollable shaking of a part of your body
• double or blurred vision
• unsteadiness
• anxiety
• memory problems Huge memory problems. 
• strange or unusual thoughts
• unwanted eye movements
• nausea
• vomiting
• heartburn
• diarrhea
• dry mouth
• constipation
• increased appetite
• weight gain
• swelling of the hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs
• back or joint pain
• fever
• runny nose, sneezing, cough, sore throat, or flu-like symptoms
• ear pain
• red, itchy eyes (sometimes with swelling or discharge)

Now, without the gabapentin my feet frequently feel like they've been dipped in lava. But better that than not being able to remember shit, get out a coherent sentence or feel like I'm stoned constantly.

Antiepileptic drugs like gabapentin are commonly used for treating neuropathic pain, usually defined as pain due to damage to nerves. This would include postherpetic neuralgia (persistent pain experienced in an area previously affected by shingles), painful complications of diabetes, nerve injury pain, phantom limb pain, fibromyalgia and trigeminal neuralgia. This type of pain can be severe and long‐lasting, is associated with lack of sleep, fatigue, and depression, and a reduced quality of life. In people with these conditions, gabapentin is associated with a moderate benefit (equivalent to at least 30% pain relief) in almost one in two patients (43%), and a substantial benefit (equivalent to at least 50% pain relief) in almost one in three (31%). Over half of those taking gabapentin for neuropathic pain will not have good pain relief, in common with most chronic pain conditions. Adverse events are experienced by about two‐thirds of people taking gabapentin, mainly dizziness, somnolence (sleepiness), oedema (swelling), and gait disturbance, but only about 1 in 10 (11%) have to stop the treatment because of these unpleasant side effects. Overall gabapentin provides pain relief of a high level in about a third of people who take it for painful neuropathic pain. Adverse events are frequent, but mostly tolerable.

Mostly tolerable my ASS. 

I will wean myself off of the lexapro and welbutrin. I don't want to end up flipping my wig again. And I'm not sure how my body will react if I were to stop those. I'm working on going the more holistic  route

uggh!

So I keep hearing this rumor about summer. Apparently our 10 days of nice weather are coming soon. God I hate this state. I do honestly believe that one of the many reasons I'm so fat is the climate in this area. All I want to do is hibernate and wait till it warms up. Of course when it warms up I'm hot because I'm so damn fat. Oi, I just can't win can I.

I keep thinking about my/our move to Florida. To live in a place with some kind of culture. Things to do. Diversity. It excites me. Here, all I feel like doing is sleeping. The sleeping is killing me. I have to find the energy to move, to exercise. That's pretty hard when just getting out of bed feels like an accomplishment.

I see so many things I would like to do and yet I have the energy to do none of them. Uggh! Frustrating.  And the issues just seem to continue adding up. The more I focus on the issues the more the depression tries to get free. And it makes me want to eat.

I'm bored, and it makes me want to eat. It's very hard to "just do something" when in constant pain. It hurts to walk or stand for any period of time. So I sit and I eat, or I think about eating or a get mad at myself for eating. Circles. I go in circles.

I need to stop the circle, make it an octagon perhaps, a tetrahedron even. May still be going in a circle but it takes a bit longer to get round.

Pain, the one constant in my life

The one thing that always is. That never leaves. The one thing I can count on. Pain. This pain or that pain, something is always in pain. One thing stops hurting and another begins. I try and accept my pains for what they are. To live with them. I do try.

Some times the pain is so bad that I just want to end, some how, some way, to make it stop. The only solution is entirely to permanent and final. Drugs don't work. Sleep doesn't work. I've tried a very long list of remedies and none have yet to work. 

There must be something that can be done. Living like this sucks. 

how to change a habit

click here for original full size image

I am so ready to go. I want to get the fuck out of here, move on, head south. I feel stuck here. Like I'm hanging in limbo. I hate limbo. I need something new. I need a huge change.

6 life changing questions

I did not write these questions. I've read various versions here and there. This particular list was written by  James McWhinney. If you answer these honestly (and why lie to yourself?) the information you will get when done is fabulous. After all, as short as life is, why spend it miserable?

1. What do I absolutely love in life?

List anything that you love about the world and the people in your life. Think about any activities that get you excited and enthusiastic and make you feel most alive. This can be absolutely anything: music, sports, cooking, teaching others, learning, watching movies—anything. Within your love for these things lies deep passion.

• My kids
• Photography
• The water/Ocean
• good music
• watching the sun set

2. What are my greatest accomplishments in life so far?

List all of the moments that you are proud of as well as the times that you’ve succeeded. To have accomplished these, you would have used some of your key strengths. See if you can identify why you succeeded. Also, list any activities, hobbies, or anything else that you do that you complete with ease. Within these lie greatest strengths.

3. What would I stand for if I knew no one would judge me?

List everything that you would do if you weren’t afraid, even your wildest dreams. This will help you discover your greatest values.

• I have no fear of others judging me. The fear I experience is self generated 

4. If my life had absolutely no limits and I could have it all and do whatever I wanted, what would I choose to have and what would I choose to do?

Describe your ideal lifestyle. List what you would do throughout the day if you knew that you were bound to be successful, what kind of person you would be, how much money you would earn, and where you would live.

This question allows you to realize who you would truly want to be if there were no limits. By aligning with this you can begin working towards the life that you truly want to create. Know that you wouldn’t have a desire if you didn’t also have the ability to fulfil it.

• The answers to this question are the reasons I'm moving to Florida

5. What would I do if I had one billion dollars?

List everything that you would really love to do if you had all the money in the world. Okay, so you would probably travel the world, buy a house or two, and give some money to your family. Then what would you do with your time?

This question helps you to think without limitations. When we are able to remove limitations and boundaries, we can discover what we really want to do.

6. Who do I admire most in the world?

List your greatest inspirations and the qualities that you admire about these people. Think about what really inspires you in this world. What you admire about others is also a quality that is in you. Know that you admire someone because they have similar qualities to you.

Taking the time to answer these question will change your life. The more that you can implement your passions, strengths, values, desires, and motivations into your days, the happier your life will become!

You can study to become a doctor, lawyer, teacher, or anything else, but this knowledge will only take you so far. Meanwhile, discovering the deep wisdom of self-knowledge will ensure that your life is far more meaningful and fulfilling. I’ve got a feeling that is what Einstein meant when he said “Information is not knowledge.”

The most valuable knowledge that you will ever discover is, and always will be, within.

I have to go back on occasion and revisit these questions, ask them again and see if the answers have changed at all. They do, to  a certain degree. But the general ideas remain the same.