I was asked an interesting question today. Are you and your body the same or separate? And, is hating your body the same as hating yourself?

I can't say as I've ever given this much thought until now. I often feel like I'm trapped in my body. Like a prisoner in the dungeon of some archaic castle. My body is the torture chamber my mind is forced to endure. The pain becomes such a constant part of my life that I have become somewhat detached from it. The result is a very real form of self loathing.

And what is the point of hating yourself? What does it accomplish? Not a damn thing.

I keep opening this only to stare blankly at the white space of my screen in anticipation of something poignant or at least interesting to say. Only to close it in disgust without having altered the emptiness at all.

Maybe it's a statement on the current condition of my life, or rather, of me. Feeling blank, empty, directionless, again. Seems I frequent this stage. Perhaps it's the constant pain I experience, the struggle to simply survive. I have energy for little else it seems.

vacation from hell

the remains of my fan belt

Ahhh, so finally a chance to get away. A few days of camping at the beach. Sounds wonderful. We got out the tent, the new tarps, brand new cot bought just for this purpose and loaded up the van. Off for some rest and relaxation at Ft. Stevens state park. You can see the photo above of what was left of my fan belt when I pulled into the camping spot.

got pollin?

So, got a new fan belt and then realized I had neglected to pack the appropriate tools to replace it. 6 hours later and a call to a towing company, finally got the fan belt replaced. Vacation continues. Until that night when the brand new cot I bought decided it didn't want to hold my ass up and I ended up sleeping in my van.

Fast forward a couple days and one blown up transmission. Yep, that's right, dropped the transmission. Not just a little, but a lot, killed it. Dead. So, a whole lot of money I didn't have later, back on the road and home. I think I'll skip vacation from now on.

fishing?

Now there's something I've not done in a VERY long time. And I am finally starting to feel like doing things. I even bought a new pole and real, some tackle. Things I haven't had in years.

It's slow and gradual, but it is a noticeable change. The medications I was taking, they helped, until they didn't. It's a razors edge and if you don't pay attention to what your body is telling you, well, it's going to hurt eventually.

Doctors are great at pushing meds. Insurance companies are even better. That pill won't work? Here, take this one instead. Unless you're like me and one pill is just as bad as the other. It's funny, all the ways I've abused my body over the years, prescription drugs are what caused the most issues.

But anyway, more on this fishing thing. I've always fished for two things, trout and salmon. Big pole, big line, big lures. With the exception of fly fishing. I've never fished for anything else. Never really occurred to me to try. So I bought myself a nice little bait casting real, something I've never used, attempted to use or thought to use. This should be interesting.

I bought an "ultralight" 5'6" pole. I want to have fun. Enjoy the challenge, not just yank fish out of the water. Now, not knowing what the hell I'm doing, apparently I bought a rod for "spinning" and a real for "casting", like I knew there was a difference. Does it matter that much? I'll find out next week. Or possibly this weekend if it decides to stop raining.

I've been reading and watching videos, trying to learn how to use these funny little plastic worms and other oddities you would never ever try to catch a salmon on. It's like a whole new world of fishing. And I know jack about it. And I like that.

more on meds

So I've now gone 9 days with out most of the meds I was on. At this point it is only welbutrin and lexapro, nothing else. And I feel better. Better how? My appetite is down. My mood is moderating. My swelling and pain levels are down. All in all, much better.

I shall continue to explore other options, other avenues. I shall put one foot in front of the other, as best I can on any given day. I shall continue working toward the goal.

Some days it feels like my life is just one long series of struggles.

So I've decided to take up fishing again after many years. Hopefully it will get me out of the house, help me relax and if I'm lucky, put some fish in my belly on occasion.