More on my choice of surgery

So I have read some very good opinions and thoughts on surgery. Both here and on my MFP page and so I thought I would elaborate some more on just why I'm taking this option.

First let me assure you that this is not a decision I've made lightly. In fact it has taken me a couple years, much research and a whole lot of personal soul searching to make this choice. I have thought long and hard about my options and my choices. I have thought about many different things, the dangers of surgery its self, the change of lifestyle after surgery.

I have even thought repeatedly, what if I start losing the weight required for surgery and find that I feel so much better that I just keep going without the surgery. This is a thought that is still in the back of mind and will be a possibility up to the day of surgery. I have finally addressed the mental issues that caused me to gain so much of the weight. The physical ones, however, are much more difficult to deal with.

I've thought about what it will be like to not be able to eat what I want to eat. To never be able to sit down and chow on a huge piece of chocolate cake. No more 16 ounce rare steak with all the trimmings. A lifetime of paying attention to what I eat, how much I eat, making sure to get the proper nutrients. I've thought about what it means to have my body surgically altered, with no do overs, a one way trip. Once it's done, it's done. I've thought about that a lot. I am not a fan of surgery in any form.

In fact that is probably what I have the hardest time with. Harder than thinking about the change of lifestyle that it will require. Harder than thinking about what I won't be able to eat any more. Just thinking about laying on an operating table and having things altered inside of me, permanently, gives me much pause.

But then I think about what it's like to be stuck in my body as it is right now. The things that have become normal for me. Not wanting to leave the house because I have to worry about things like how far I have to walk and if there is anyplace I can sit and rest. If the store has electric carts so I can do what I need to do. I have to worry about being able to fit in the bathroom. I have to think about what I'm going to sit on and if it's going to support my weight.

I can't play with my kids because I can't get up and down off the floor. I can't take them on walks or bike rides. Going to the park is a struggle for me. I think about all the things I want to do and simply can't because of my size and the condition of my body. I think about the fact that I'm pushing 40 years old and live in so much pain that suicide has at times felt like a viable option. I think about the fact that I am, for all intents and purposes, miserable in my current condition.

I look at people who are able to lose weight strictly with diet and exercise and I envy them. I wish I had that ability. I wish I could walk miles, or ride a bike, spend hours in the gym sweating. But I can't. I try to move as much as I can. But it's not enough. I have changed the way I eat. I've changed the way I look at food. I've changed why I eat, how much I eat, what I eat.

Yes, there are people my size and even larger who have been able to lose the weight with diet and exercise. I truly wish I was one of those people. For what ever reason, genetics, chemical make up of my body, who knows, I am not one of those people. I never have been. It has always been a struggle for me. As a kid, as a teenager and as an adult, I have struggled my entire life with weight. I have dieted, I have worked out, I have done it all. And still I have gotten progressively larger over the years. I've abused my body over the years too, making things even more difficult.

So, no, I don't believe surgery is the easy way out. I don't think it's cheating. I also don't think it's the right choice for many people. But I know that I need the help it provides. The chemical changes that happen to the body after surgery. The change in hunger levels. The lack of absorption achieved. It all goes together to assist with the over all weight loss. And this is what I need.

Sadly, just eating less does very little for me. I will lose weight to a point but it stops. My body has been so abused that achieving any decent level of activity is difficult to say the least.

So I have started the process to get surgery. It's a long process. I started at 575 pounds and in order to be accepted for surgery I have to get down to 500 or less. I have already had to take a two day cardiac stress test. I have to have an endoscopy performed on the 6th of September. I have to attend nutrition classes. I have had to pass a psychological exam as well as an in depth interview with a psephologist. I have visit with the dietitian every month to discuss my diet and my overall progress. It's not just a matter of showing up and saying OK, I'm here. There are many steps to it.

I wish I could do it on my own. Unfortunately I'm not one of those very lucky people able to do so. If you are one of those people think about this every time you get discouraged. Every time you feel frustrated or like you're just not getting anywhere think about people like me, who can't do what you're doing. Think about the people who need that extra help to live a healthy life.

If by some miracle I get to 500 pounds and it suddenly feels like I am able to keep going on my own, believe me, I will. I would prefer to keep all my parts. If for no other reason than that occasional big slice of apple pie or chocolate cake. But please, don't judge me because of my choice. It is, after all, my body and not yours.