The biggest problem

with anxiety and depression is that there is no cure. Surgery can't fix it, medication doesn't really fix it. It's not something that just goes away on its own. It doesn't "run its course" like a cold or the flue. It is. It always is. It always will be. A person can learn to limit the negative affect they have on your life, to a point, but always, in the background, lurking, they exist. You can convince yourself you're better but you know you really aren't. And then there's a day when something happens and suddenly up comes the anxiety, the panic, the depression that follows, and it's like starting all over again. And that is what I hate about them the most. They can replace knees, internal organs, fix cancer (some times), sow you closed, give you new parts, they can even do face transplants now. The brain, that's something they haven't mastered yet. Sure, you can throw medications at it, if you don't mind the side effects, but they don't fix the problem, only mask it.

One of my biggest frustrations are the times people say things like "just get over it" or "it's OK, you're just having a bad day, cheer up". Because if a person had cancer that's what you would tell them too, right? Or a broken leg? When a person has diabetes you simply tell them to "get over it". Because sure, they'll just make the diabetes go away, who needs insulin anymore. Oh, that's right, we don't say things like that to people with "actual illnesses". But the mental ones, that's fine. It's no different than telling the struggling obese person to just stop being lazy and eating so much. No matter the challenges they may actually be facing. Because people don't understand depression and anxiety. Because mental illness has a horrible stigma in this country. Because so many people think it's something we fake. Either for attention or so we don't have to do things, or because we like drama. They have no understanding of what it's actually like. And yes, there are people who go with the "oh, I have anxiety" approach to everything when they really don't. Those people really piss me off.

I've learned to cope with the depression. It's been a part of me my entire life. I recognize it, I can work with it, or around it. It's pretty much a constant no matter the day. Anxiety on the other hand. I hate the unpredictability of it. Panic and anxiety can manifest in a multitude of ways and it's rarely consistent. Fight or flight. Hostility, anger, sometimes even aggression, overwhelming emotion, sadness, fear, wanting to hide in a dark room. I've cried watching television commercials. I've had to leave stores, schools, activities with my kids. Sometimes I'm fine, until I'm not. I can go weeks without it being an issue and then a month where it's a constant daily thing. I've experienced the entire range of manifestations in less than an hour and I've spent days stuck in one. No pattern, no logic, no triggers other than stress. It's exhausting. Going to the gym helps. Sometimes going to the gym triggers it. And there is no cure. It's not ever going to go away. It is a part of me.

And now I'm being told that there is a very real chance that I will lose my disability. If that happens I will have no choice but to attempt to go back to work. And I have no fucking idea how I'm going to do that. It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally realized why I've left so many jobs in my life, why I had such a hard time functioning in many of them, why I would simply walk away. Understanding it now, I'm not sure that's going to help. And knowing these things is only adding to the anxiety. While the amount I get for disability is small, it's my only source of income. It's been quite a while since I've held a job and I'm not sure what marketable skills I have at this point in my life. Is slightly crazy marketable? Chronic pain? Probably not. How about a very low tolerance for dumbfuckery? Hey, I can have a full blown panic attack for fun. Sure, I'm totally confident I can find a job. Absolutely.

One huge problem with anxiety and depression is the way they feed each other. Makes for great times. And the complete exhaustion they cause when they're bad. And that then feeds them more. It becomes a self sustaining perpetual loop that is very difficult to stop. Anxiety and panic often result in a sustained adrenaline rush. It's the body preparing for the fight or flight. One would think this rush would be useful for other things, it isn't. And the crash. The crash sucks. The crash is exhaustion at its worst. And guess what that causes?

I use all the tactics I've learned over the last 10 years or so. After the hours of therapy, the thousand or more websites I've read, the books, the articles. And it's still a struggle every single damn day. I have learned to enjoy the positives and let the rest go (eventually) but it's something I have to remind myself every damn day.