I was feeling it. Bad. Tired, everything hurt, no energy, didn't feel like lifting. I've heard the term "bonked" used by runners, I think I bonked. Except I wasn't really able to push through that wall. It kind of crushed me. Or at least it started to. So cut back for two weeks. Way back. Last week I only made it to the gym 3 times and when I did make it the workouts weren't exactly strenuous. And I think I needed that.
One of my biggest problems is staying motivated. That stems largely from the depression and anxiety. When I get tired or stressed out I just want to hide. When I get to those walls it's far easier to just say fuck it than to climb them. Or just go sideways for a while hoping there's a door in the wall, or an end to it (hint, there usually isn't). It's very difficult to for me to motivate myself, it always has been. Especially with as slow as my body responds. I try and remind myself that "slow and steady wins the race", or at least finishes it, eventually. And then I read articles or watch videos or talk to people and it's "oh I dropped 25 pounds and look at me now". I've dropped over 200 and I feel like I still look the same. I know I don't, but I feel like I do. Over 750 workouts logged and generally don't feel like I've made a single muscle or gained any strength. So when I start to feel as burned out as I was my first instinct, my first go to, is to say screw it and quit. Not this time. Back at it today with a slightly modified workout plan. Five by fives for a bit.
Five by fives are simply 5 sets of 5 reps at close to your one rep max. The point is to increase strength, breaking plateaus, and periodization. Essentially it's a shock to the system. And ouch! That was kind of heavy. And a little fun again. Oh, and it can make for a pretty fast (under an hour) workout that really kicked my butt. I may do it for more than a week, I haven't decided yet. I do know I've stagnated a bit and I struggle to push myself. One of the problems with not having a personal trainer or a workout buddy is that you have to find your own motivation. Sometimes that's a hell of a struggle. That's where I was. Burned out, tired, bored, feeling like quitting.
And that is truly my biggest struggle. I get through the tired, and the pain, hell, that's my norm. It's the burned out and not wanting to that gets me. It goes hand in hand with the depression. And the depression makes it worse. It's truly a struggle at times. So I have to change things up, try to keep it interesting. Sometimes that's hard. I mean there's really only so many things you can do in a gym that are actually productive and won't cause you permanent bodily damage. So I go high rep/low weight, low rep/high weight, something in between the the two, toss in come of those damn cardio machines every once in a while, and plug away at it. Maybe some day I'll even see a muscle.
On the plus side of things I just weighed myself a couple days ago and I'm down to 383. I'ts been a really, really long time since seeing that number. Like, a couple decades or more. So that's something.
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Food problems.
Do you know any of those assholes that can pretty much eat anything and not gain weight? You know, the ones constantly eating crap? I hate those people. Though at the same time I've always found them fascinating. It's funny to me when I hear some people saying things like "he's fat because he's lazy" and "just blaming it on metabolism, that's all bullshit". I've never heard the same thing said about some skinny dude that eats 2 pizzas for dinner. I read articles about body builders "bulking" and how they consume 15 even 20 thousand calories a day, on purpose. No one ever has negative things to say about them. But if you're overweight you're just a lazy slob who needs to eat less and it's absolutely not about genetics or health issues or environment or anything else. Because you're fat. A lot like the difference between a skinny person going to the doctor and a fat person doing the same. We get "well just lose weight" while the thin person gets treated like a person with an actual health concern. The general attitude toward obese people is pretty disgusting. But that's another rant entirely. This one is about food.
According to Facebook posts and fake "doctors" on television if you just eat "real food", buy organic, never consume sugar, eat "paleo" or "keto" or whatever the current diet de jur happens to be, you'll suddenly find yourself fit and sexy. I don't think any of these people have kids. Or a budget. Or taste buds. It's often said you can't out exercise the fork and there's probably a lot of truth in that. But as with lifting, different people respond differently and different people have different levels of ability.
Before I had my VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy) I had to go on a liquid only diet for a week. My caloric intake per day was down around 500. All fluid. And Jello (I still loath Jello). Chicken broth, tea, anything that was liquid and see through. Now this is a pretty extreme diet and something done under the supervision of doctors, not something I would recommend or ever choose to do again. At 500 calories a day I lost absolutely no weight. And I felt horrible. It was an interesting experience. Many years ago I tried the "Atkins diet". After about 2 months I felt like I had a flue that just didn't go away. And I lost no weight. Like none. At all. Eventually I had the surgery, that helped for a while. And then I stopped losing weight. Wasn't eating more or moving less, it just stopped. It was like my body said "fuck you". I didn't gain weight, but I didn't lose it either. That was about the point I joined a gym.
And here I am, a couple years later. And I still haven't lost all that much weight. Though it does seem my body composition has changed, a lot. And I've lost a lot of inches. Over 24 inches from my waist. And I know that much of that is my diet. I started counting calories again. Something I absolutely loath doing but find necessary. It's astounding how fast you can eat 2,000 calories in a day if you don't pay attention. There are quite a few apps available for doing this, something that has made it far easier than it once was. I personally use FatSecret because it's simple. Though I avoid the forums and other nonsense like a giant dog turd on the sidewalk. I just can't deal with the level of willful ignorance and rampant stupidity so prevalent on that part of these apps and websites. Anyway... It's been hugely helpful to keep track of what I eat. And really enlightening too.
I'm sure we have all seen the photos depicting calories in, say, a candy bar versus a salad. The problem is, I can't comfortably eat a lot of salad. Or vegetables. Or, well, a lot of the "healthy" food they push when you're trying to lose weight. For what ever reason my body has a very hard time digesting these things. It got far worse after my gallbladder was removed. I think I may have a form of IBS or possibly some other gastrointestinal issue. The doctors aren't quite sure. They tell me "lose weight, it will get better". I've actually been in the ER several times with severe issues. So it's difficult for me to eat low calorie, filling foods. Things like celery and carrots are a nope. Just about any raw vegetable does unpleasant things to me. And that makes it pretty hard to keep the calories down. Limits the options greatly. So what to eat? Well, that is the problem isn't it. I'm still trying to figure that out. Especially with kids in the house. I simply don't have the time or energy to cook for me and then cook for them. Or the budget. I try to stick with lean meats, what vegetables I can eat, salad when possible (and affordable), but it's a hell of a struggle. Maybe I should try that Keto bullshit. Or not. For me losing weight has been and continues to be a life long struggle. My body seems to like fat, it hangs onto it. I walk past a donut shop and gain 5 pounds. So that I'm actually under 390 pounds today is huge for me. Sometimes I forget that I've lost more than 200 pounds. An entire person. Gone.
I guess the point is that being fat, while not a choice (I know, shocking) isn't as easy to fix as so many people want to believe. There are a myriad of health issues that contribute to it. Chronic pain, depression, anxiety, these all make regular exercise difficult. Stomach issues that limit what a person can eat. Bariatric surgery that didn't remove enough stomach. Medications that cause weight gain even when caloric intake remains stable or even reduced (Abilify). It's a constant daily struggle. One I may never actually win. But I'm still trying.
According to Facebook posts and fake "doctors" on television if you just eat "real food", buy organic, never consume sugar, eat "paleo" or "keto" or whatever the current diet de jur happens to be, you'll suddenly find yourself fit and sexy. I don't think any of these people have kids. Or a budget. Or taste buds. It's often said you can't out exercise the fork and there's probably a lot of truth in that. But as with lifting, different people respond differently and different people have different levels of ability.
Before I had my VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy) I had to go on a liquid only diet for a week. My caloric intake per day was down around 500. All fluid. And Jello (I still loath Jello). Chicken broth, tea, anything that was liquid and see through. Now this is a pretty extreme diet and something done under the supervision of doctors, not something I would recommend or ever choose to do again. At 500 calories a day I lost absolutely no weight. And I felt horrible. It was an interesting experience. Many years ago I tried the "Atkins diet". After about 2 months I felt like I had a flue that just didn't go away. And I lost no weight. Like none. At all. Eventually I had the surgery, that helped for a while. And then I stopped losing weight. Wasn't eating more or moving less, it just stopped. It was like my body said "fuck you". I didn't gain weight, but I didn't lose it either. That was about the point I joined a gym.
And here I am, a couple years later. And I still haven't lost all that much weight. Though it does seem my body composition has changed, a lot. And I've lost a lot of inches. Over 24 inches from my waist. And I know that much of that is my diet. I started counting calories again. Something I absolutely loath doing but find necessary. It's astounding how fast you can eat 2,000 calories in a day if you don't pay attention. There are quite a few apps available for doing this, something that has made it far easier than it once was. I personally use FatSecret because it's simple. Though I avoid the forums and other nonsense like a giant dog turd on the sidewalk. I just can't deal with the level of willful ignorance and rampant stupidity so prevalent on that part of these apps and websites. Anyway... It's been hugely helpful to keep track of what I eat. And really enlightening too.
I'm sure we have all seen the photos depicting calories in, say, a candy bar versus a salad. The problem is, I can't comfortably eat a lot of salad. Or vegetables. Or, well, a lot of the "healthy" food they push when you're trying to lose weight. For what ever reason my body has a very hard time digesting these things. It got far worse after my gallbladder was removed. I think I may have a form of IBS or possibly some other gastrointestinal issue. The doctors aren't quite sure. They tell me "lose weight, it will get better". I've actually been in the ER several times with severe issues. So it's difficult for me to eat low calorie, filling foods. Things like celery and carrots are a nope. Just about any raw vegetable does unpleasant things to me. And that makes it pretty hard to keep the calories down. Limits the options greatly. So what to eat? Well, that is the problem isn't it. I'm still trying to figure that out. Especially with kids in the house. I simply don't have the time or energy to cook for me and then cook for them. Or the budget. I try to stick with lean meats, what vegetables I can eat, salad when possible (and affordable), but it's a hell of a struggle. Maybe I should try that Keto bullshit. Or not. For me losing weight has been and continues to be a life long struggle. My body seems to like fat, it hangs onto it. I walk past a donut shop and gain 5 pounds. So that I'm actually under 390 pounds today is huge for me. Sometimes I forget that I've lost more than 200 pounds. An entire person. Gone.
I guess the point is that being fat, while not a choice (I know, shocking) isn't as easy to fix as so many people want to believe. There are a myriad of health issues that contribute to it. Chronic pain, depression, anxiety, these all make regular exercise difficult. Stomach issues that limit what a person can eat. Bariatric surgery that didn't remove enough stomach. Medications that cause weight gain even when caloric intake remains stable or even reduced (Abilify). It's a constant daily struggle. One I may never actually win. But I'm still trying.
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Am I "over training"?
Maybe? Though I'm still not convinced it's possible. One of the signs of over training is a change in mood. More specifically a a jump in anxiety type symptoms. There are others. Extended muscle soreness. Depression. Weight gain (or no weight loss). Decreased libido. Loss of concentration. Lack of energy. Over training is actually a recognized medical condition, though as far as I can tell it's never been officially studied. It even has a technical definition. "A physiological state caused by an excess accumulation of physiological, psychological, emotional, environmental, and chemical stress that leads to a sustained decrease in physical and mental performance, and that requires a relatively long recovery period." Sounds fancy doesn't it? And it's rare, or so they say. What isn't as rare is excess cortisol levels. And that can be caused by many things. Including depression, because depression sucks and totally screws with your body. Cortisol is a steroid hormone, in the glucocorticoid class of hormones. When used as a medication, it is known as hydrocortisone. It is produced in humans by the zona fasciculata of the adrenal cortex within the adrenal gland. It is released in response to stress and low blood-glucose concentration. The adrenal gland also produces testosterone. So if it's busy pumping out cortisol..... As well as Epinephrine (Adrenaline) and Norepinephrine (Noradrenaline). These all contribute to depression. So while I may not be "over training" I'm thinking I may be pushing myself to a point that really isn't beneficial.
There is a thing called a "workout hangover". It's just short of over training. Maybe that's where I'm at. Though when I read the symptoms of what classifies as over training I seem to pretty much nail all of them. HERE is a good article that describes the "workout hangover", what causes it and what to do about it. I've been looking at my weekly average for volume and it's, well, kind of high. And I don't mean that in a braggadocios way, I average 75,000 pounds lifted per every one hour gym session. Now I don't feel like that's a lot until I look at what other people do. Leg days are almost always over 100,000 pounds. My lightest days are arms (strictly triceps and biceps) and chest. And those are never under 30k pounds. I lift between 30 and 100 thousand pounds in an hour. 5 days a weeks. And I'm wondering why I'm feeling burned out. I noticed lately that my depression and anxiety are far, far worse so I've been pushing harder in the gym, only to notice them getting worse. I think I'm understanding why. One article list; "You feel drained and crappy after what normally would be a good workout.". Yup, that about nails it right there. And then there's the one about "aches and pains". Though that's a hard one being as I deal with chronic pain.
I want to push myself. Hell, I need to push myself. And I am loath to make excuses, that's a habit I got out of a while ago. But I think I also need to accept the reality that I'm pushing just a little to hard and if I don't stop it's going to be more than just a little burned out. "If you’re a weight lifter and are overtrained, your parasympathetic nervous system becomes overly stimulated, leading to a decrease in testosterone, an increase in cortisol, a crushing fatigue (mental and physical), and a stubborn tendency to hang onto body fat." And if you already have clinical depression and anxiety it makes that shit worse. So I guess in the end it's really not worth it. What is the point of working out to feel better if it's not making me feel better, the opposite in fact? I think it's time to take a couple weeks, while not off, at least down. Work some lighter weights. Get some more cardio (I fucking loath cardio). See what happens. Sometimes I wish I could afford a personal trainer. Or at least a workout partner.
REFERENCES:
https://www.t-nation.com/training/what-overtraining-is-and-isnt
https://www.precor.com/en-us/resources/7-signs-tell-if-youre-overtraining
https://www.bodybuilding.com/content/the-truth-about-overtraining.html
https://www.muscleforlife.com/8-signs-of-overtraining/
There is a thing called a "workout hangover". It's just short of over training. Maybe that's where I'm at. Though when I read the symptoms of what classifies as over training I seem to pretty much nail all of them. HERE is a good article that describes the "workout hangover", what causes it and what to do about it. I've been looking at my weekly average for volume and it's, well, kind of high. And I don't mean that in a braggadocios way, I average 75,000 pounds lifted per every one hour gym session. Now I don't feel like that's a lot until I look at what other people do. Leg days are almost always over 100,000 pounds. My lightest days are arms (strictly triceps and biceps) and chest. And those are never under 30k pounds. I lift between 30 and 100 thousand pounds in an hour. 5 days a weeks. And I'm wondering why I'm feeling burned out. I noticed lately that my depression and anxiety are far, far worse so I've been pushing harder in the gym, only to notice them getting worse. I think I'm understanding why. One article list; "You feel drained and crappy after what normally would be a good workout.". Yup, that about nails it right there. And then there's the one about "aches and pains". Though that's a hard one being as I deal with chronic pain.
I want to push myself. Hell, I need to push myself. And I am loath to make excuses, that's a habit I got out of a while ago. But I think I also need to accept the reality that I'm pushing just a little to hard and if I don't stop it's going to be more than just a little burned out. "If you’re a weight lifter and are overtrained, your parasympathetic nervous system becomes overly stimulated, leading to a decrease in testosterone, an increase in cortisol, a crushing fatigue (mental and physical), and a stubborn tendency to hang onto body fat." And if you already have clinical depression and anxiety it makes that shit worse. So I guess in the end it's really not worth it. What is the point of working out to feel better if it's not making me feel better, the opposite in fact? I think it's time to take a couple weeks, while not off, at least down. Work some lighter weights. Get some more cardio (I fucking loath cardio). See what happens. Sometimes I wish I could afford a personal trainer. Or at least a workout partner.
REFERENCES:
https://www.t-nation.com/training/what-overtraining-is-and-isnt
https://www.precor.com/en-us/resources/7-signs-tell-if-youre-overtraining
https://www.bodybuilding.com/content/the-truth-about-overtraining.html
https://www.muscleforlife.com/8-signs-of-overtraining/
Tuesday, October 2, 2018
Anxiety blows.
If you've read any of my ramblings you know I live with anxiety and depression and how I feel about that fact. And you also know that one of the things I've done to combat these problems is gym. And it's worked fairly well for a while. Until recently. And that concerns me. Lately I've felt similar to how I did when the meds stopped working. And I really don't like that. The anxiety seems to get a little worse every day. I'm constantly exhausted yet can't seem to sleep. Getting myself to the gym is a struggle and once I get there it takes a great deal of effort to accomplish anything. Because that's what anxiety does. The bastard.Physical signs and symptoms may include:
- Fatigue
- Trouble sleeping
- Muscle tension or muscle aches
- Trembling, feeling twitchy
- Nervousness or being easily startled
- Sweating
- Nausea, diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome
- Irritability
I can tell you the irritability, hell all of these, are certainly true. I ache for no reason. Everything hurts. Everything annoys me. Can't sleep. It's exhausting. And that contributes to the anxiety. I try to fight it every day but sometimes it seems like I'm losing the battle. The anxiety feeds the stress and the stress feeds the anxiety and round and round we go. Woo Hoo.
Some people hear anxiety and think "oh so what, get over it" because they have no idea what it's like to live with every day. Remember that first time you did something you didn't want to really do? The way you felt the first time you flew or jumped off the high dive? The first time you experienced turbulence or realized you really didn't like high spots? That combination of adrenaline and fear and nervousness and..... Now imagine that feeling never really goes away. Ever. That's life with anxiety. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. It leads to other issues. And there is no cure for it. Medications can mask the symptoms if you're okay with the side effects. I wasn't. Some of the meds they put me on made it worse. That was fun. So I stick with the gym. Except lately the anxiety and depression have made even that difficult. I'm working on finding a solution, at least short term, but so far it eludes me. I just keep plugging along, hoping it will get better. That's all you can do sometimes.
One of my biggest peeves are people who say "oh I have anxiety" when they don't. No, there's a big difference between actual anxiety and feeling nervous every once in a while. Or not feeling comfortable in large groups. Or stressing out about that test you know you aren't going to pass. Those feelings go away. True anxiety doesn't. Ever. There are methods for working with it but it always is. The panic attacks are always sitting there quietly waiting for the wrong moment to manifest. The chronic pain and fatigue are constant. The stress is puts on the body and mind is exhausting. And I'd wish it on no one.
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